New Favorite Holiday

I was a lucky gal this weekend.  I was surrounded by wonderful friends, yummy food and tons of laughs.  I barely slept, but it was totally worth it.  Long, deep conversations were punctuated by reliving memories and telling stories.  Everyone in our crew this weekend, including ourselves, have been through big changes since the last time we were all together.  Eli and John and Jess are all engaged (Eli to Leslie, not John and Jess), Kevin's the chief of transplant surgery in Richmond this year and Dan and I are settled into our new apartment in Hartford.  Okay, maybe our lives haven't changed AS drastically as the rest of the crew, but we feel like we've grown and changed quite a bit since our last time hanging with everyone.  Things definitely feel different for us.

The most important and noticeable difference in all of us is our level of happiness.  The last time I saw Kevin was before I moved from Bmore, and John and Jess I've seen since then, but only quickly and out at loud clamoring bars.  Eli came to visit us right after we had moved to Hartford, but we were still quite frazzled and definitely not as happy/comfortable as we are now in our lives.  The same can be said for everyone else in their situations the last time we were together.  No one was unhappy, per say, but we were all still working on getting there.  Our priorities have definitely changed and we have all focused on that.  John and Jess have since moved in together in Annapolis, Eli is dating and engaged to a lovely gal (from what I have heard) and Kevin is loving his work.  Everyone had these borderline-goofy smiles all weekend like we were drunk off how content we all are.  It was a nice positive vibe going around that we all shared.  It's a welcomed rarity.

The only thing that could have made the weekend better was if Adina, Emily and Neal were also up, along with my family.  It's always nice to see Dan's huge supportive family and family friends, but it definitely makes me miss mine.  The Labor Day party (25 years strong) will hopefully become a tradition not only for our newest guests, but someday maybe my family, as well.  I've been a part of 3 Labor Day parties so far and each time has been such a great time.  It reminds me of how Oktoberfest at the Maryland fairgrounds used to be for me.  It was always a given that the day would be amazing no matter who was in attendance or what the weather forecast was looking like.  It hasn't failed, yet, and neither has Labor Day.  (All Labor Day pics can be found here.)

In other news, I'm gearing up for my surgery.  No Lupron/reversible menopause!!  The docs decided surgery and an IUD was the best prescription this go-around, so we'll see how that works out.  I've had a really rough pain day today and was supposed to have our second Endo-Connect meeting with the gals tonight.  I was completely ready to go all day, but the longer the day went on, the more I questioned if I would be able to make it.  The drive home from work is where I really started questioning attending, and by the time I had made it to CVS to deal with the beastly pharmacist who was clearly having a worse day than mine (but with far worse coping skills than me), I was unable to motivate myself to do anything more than lay in bed, sandwiched between my two heating pads, crying in a dark room.  I called Julie to apologize for having to miss our date and to pass along my apologies to the other gals, but that if anyone could understand not being able to make an engagement because of pain, it would probably be those gals.  They all followed up to make sure I was okay and to tell me they were sorry I wasn't feeling well.  They also offered to help nurse me back to health after surgery if I needed help, but my mama will actually be coming up to take care of me.

I'm so thrilled that my mom will finally get to see where I live, but I'm bummed that I'll be a sore lump the entire time she's here.  My parents are planning another trip up in October, so I'm really looking forward to that.  I'm also looking forward to surgery.  I really can't wait for this pain to subside.  Even if it only helps a little, it would make my life so much easier.  It's hard to be happy when you're always in pain.  Dan's been really helpful in reminding me that the pain from surgery will be different than the endo pain that I've been dealing with for the last 6+ months and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...  I hope.

The next time I blog, I'll probably have a frankentummy.  Til then...

xo,
Rachael

Abracadabra!

It's almost as if I waved a magic wand with that last post.  Everything is better.  It's an odd balance between everything feeling more normal/comfortable and me feeling more content.  It's nice and cozy, here.  People have been coming out of the woodwork-- old friends, new friends--  And not in response to anything in particular.  It's just been people showing they care or miss me in small ways that just happen to mean the world, which got me thinking...

With these little random texts I've gotten or comments on a post or emails or calls, it fills me with this warm, drunk-on-love feeling.  I get really smiley and happy, then a little teary-eyed, then excited.  So excited, in fact, that I usually end up clenching my fists and squealing.  I just get so overwhelmed with these random acts of kindness that I can't contain the happy.

I've noticed that since these little sweet notes have been making their way to me, I've been handing them out without even thinking--not just responding to the messengers, but commenting when I normally wouldn't, or texting someone if I think of them without hesitation.  Spreading the love, I guess.  It's contagious.

And the best part about it all is that it makes me feel insanely good to do it.  Knowing that I probably made someone smile gives me a buzz.  It's how I want to be known and remembered.  Someone who was thoughtful and cared.  When you aren't feeling that way, I guess you're less inclined to hand out compliments and attention thinking that you aren't someone anyone wants to hear from, but it simply can't be the case-- Everyone enjoys a compliment or an "I'm thinking of you" every now and again.

The most important compliment I've received lately was appreciation out of nowhere.  An old friend contacted me to let me know that I had always been an important person in her life when I was around in Baltimore.  That I was the only person who tried to include her and that I always knew and still know the right things to say when she asks for advice or needs someone to simply listen.  It was some kind of reassurance and acknowledgement that I couldn't have dreamed up on my own.  It was important and beautiful and made me feel like a lot of the normal everyday things I did in the past didn't completely go unnoticed.  Validation feels good.

We recently watched an episode of The Marriage Ref where the complaint from the husband was that his (crazy) wife over-used Thank You cards.  She would hunt down people who helped her in the grocery store who probably didn't remember her at all and would give them notes.  I assume if you're giving Thank You notes for every little thing, they lose some of their luster and importance, but I hardly see over-appreciation a negative.  She probably makes so many people's days with those notes while only annoying a few...

Adina and I discussed how wonderful these flecks of appreciation are, but how truly sad it is that they're so rare.  I think more "Thank You"s are in order.  Thank someone in your life for something today...  I am going to try and make a habit of this.  In this moment, this positivity doesn't feel forced.

xo,
Rachael

False Optimism No Longer a Positive

Again, I'm having this urge to write, but nothing solid to put down.  I'll start here--

Emily and I got these Q&A A Day books where there is a question each day for a year, and the page has 5 slots to answer per question.  The book lasts for 5 years so you can go back and compare how your life has changed with each question answered each year.

August 24th's question is:
"Write your recipe for creativity."

My answer:
"Depression/worry/motivation for change seem to fuel creativity for me.  Music, writing and collaboration of ideas can also inspire creativity."

My urge to create/write/draw, etc. usually comes on strongest when I'm feeling low.  There is a fine line, however, between feeling low and motivated/artistic and feeling low and only wanting to be laying in a dark room doing nothing...  Lately I've been finding myself in the latter category besides occasionally writing.

Because of the "theme" of the blog, I usually try to keep my negative blogs to myself, but I'm pretty much done with the fake optimism.  Like I said two posts ago, I'm kind of tired of keeping my chin up.  I've had to be so strong for so long (a year) on my own, and I'm exhausted.  That's the best way I can put it.  I'm emotionally exhausted.

I feel like I've half been lying to myself by saying that I'm so happy and everything is working itself out up here when it really isn't.  Everything between Dan and I is great.  Better than ever, really (aside from our future being put on hold, currently), but everything else is not okay.

I'm not okay with no one coming to visit me or see where the fuck I live, now.  I'm not okay with my family not visiting me or my "friends" not even attempting to make plans with me.  It's been a fucking year.  It's as if they don't realize that I can see facebook and watch their lives play out in photos and status updates talking about all of the other trips they somehow found time to take and all of the other plans and friends they put effort towards.  First it's money, then it's a car being out of order or a house problem or lord knows what else...  Why do I keep trying?

It shocks me on many levels to think that all of these people have zero interest in how I'm doing up here, especially after what I've gone through for/with some of them.  It's like a joke.

And maybe the reason I haven't been able to find new friends up here isn't because they have nothing in common with me.  Maybe it's because I took on this new outlook on life-- this lie to yourself and pretend you're positive and happy as much as you possibly can, until someday, hopefully, you start to believe it.  I never tried that way of thinking before and I seemed to get on with life fine.  I wasn't always happy, but I'm not now either.  Maybe that way of thinking is what I needed to get me through the first hump of moving--  before I really knew I had lost so much back home.

Now, I need to see clearly and I need to be honest.  It isn't pessimism, it's honesty.  I can't lie to myself any longer.  People upset me.  I've had to take Xanax for actual anxiety attacks, not just insomnia, more and more frequently.  It's all really due to not dealing an denying and pretending.

I can't change others.  I can't change the fact that I had shitty friends to begin with before I left Baltimore, and that I couldn't see they were shitty until I did leave.  Come to think of it, they were shitty then, too.  People are users.  They will use you up until you're dry if you let them.  Or, you find out the hard way like when it's your time to be in need, and you see that there's no one there.  Especially not the ones who seemed to need you the most.

But I can change me, and I need to get back to being myself.  I need to get back to being honest above all else.  I do have positives in my life, but they are real and not fabricated.  I have Dan and I have friends that aren't too far away.  I need to focus on them and let go of the rest.  It's hard, and I will more than likely need to seek out therapy to work my way through it all.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know it's not going to be fulfilling if I'm faking my way through it...

I'm not forcing the glass to be anything, anymore...  This is just where I am, currently.  Forcing myself to be honest.  Forcing myself to live in the moment.  Forcing reality.

Here goes nothin'...

xo,
Rachael

Week in Review

This week was interesting, for sure.  The week started really tough.  It's no secret that I've been a bit fragile, lately.  Dan and I went out Tuesday for dinner and I decided to bring up some thoughts I'd been having for quite a while.  To my surprise, Dan had a lot of answers for me.  The conversation started out slow, and he told me he was grasping for the right words because he wanted it to sound romantic, but I told him that I wasn't looking for romance-- I was looking for the truth.  From that point forward, the conversation went swimmingly and we really got a lot accomplished.  I finally had answers to questions I've been pondering for months, now.  The answers weren't exactly what I wanted to hear, but the clarity I gained was nothing less than positive.  Come to find out, Dan and I have been on the same page for the past few months, but it took that long for him to figure out some things and it took that long for me to get the balls to start the conversation.  Things have been so much better since then.  Even though we kind of feel like the fairy tale path we were on was kind of  rained on, we can at least bond further over the acknowledgement of the situation.  Moving right along...

We wrapped up the week by heading down to NYC to meet up with our wonderful friends Doug and Natalia to go to the Movielife's sold out reunion show.  I was sad that we didn't get to stay overnight and get some of today together, but we didn't want to get stuck in the city because of this hurricane shutting down the trains.  Anyway, the openers were kept a secret until they started playing.  We were in line for drinks when I heard a live band coming from the main room.  I told Doug someone was playing and he immediately said, "That's Brand New."  We grabbed out drinks and ran towards the stage and sure enough.  There they were playing (arguably) my favorite of their songs, "Okay, I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't."  It was stellar.  They only played about 6 or 7 songs, but they were all great and everyone was so pleasantly surprised.  Our second surprise came when Crime In Stereo took the stage and crushed it.  They are so great live.  Dan and I saw them in DC at the Black Cat long ago.  It was fab.  The Movielife played and are far better live than they are recorded, I believe.  Nat and I stayed towards the back and danced while the boys hit the pit.  It was a good time.

We left the show in search of food, but ended up spending a bit of time chatting in the park, then hit up Hard Rock for late night eats.  It was so nice to see them.  I wish we lived closer.

We made the last train out of NY at 1:50am which put us home at 4:30am.  The train ride didn't disappoint, of course.  Plenty of entertainment listening to a mess of 17 to 20-something year old british males argue, fight and discuss their love of Twilight, Two and a Half Men and banging easy American girls.  The best part about it was that they were all wearing seersucker suits, bow ties, and dress shorts, all in pastels.  I can't help but think of the movie Funny Games when I see prep-school guys dressed in such a way.  That movie is so fucked, so I was slightly uneasy sitting there avoiding eye-contact for the hour and a half trip.  Dan was passed out in my lap before we left Grand Central.

In about an hour, we're supposed to really start feeling the effects of Irene here in CT.  I'm kind of looking forward to it.  I'm sure it won't live up to the hype, but I enjoy a good storm.

Always,
Rachael

P.S.
Congrats to Doug and Nat on their engagement!  Still waiting on the details, but I'm assuming it happened sometime today.  <3

Chronic Pain

I've never considered my endometriosis "chronic pain" until now.  It's hard to be happy at all when you're in pain all the time.  It's even harder when you have a history with depression, you've left your family and lost your friends and are quite alone in a state you're still unfamiliar with after a year of residing in it.

I started this blog to try to keep myself positive while embarking on this new journey.  To try to find the silver lining in the lonely days, but there are some days where that silver lining is just buried too deep...

I went through hell this past year.  I realized who my true friends were (lets just say it wasn't the hundred who showed up for my going away party...  or even 5 of them), I suffered through a long, depressing, snowy and icy winter nearly alone, aside from Dan who was just starting some rough rotations and have still been trying to fit in at work.  Last week was my one year anniversary up here in Connecticut and to date, I still haven't had one Maryland friend come and visit me.  I've, in fact, only had 4 visitors.  My sister and her husband, Boots from Ohio and my beloved Adina from Pennsylvania.  Dan has had plenty of visitors.  He has good friends who care about him and care about staying in touch.  It's nice to be a part of that, at least.  My parent's haven't even been up to see where I've been living...

The year in review is tough for me to swallow.  I see life's happiness as somewhat of a pie chart.  The happiness is nearly equal parts friends, family, relationship, career and future goals and plans to look forward to.  Something to work towards.  I feel like at the end of this year in CT, I only have one of those things here.  That's the relationship.  I'm missing friends, family, career fulfillment and things to look forward to.

What do you do when you're in a situation like that?  Do you stick it out longer and hope for the best?  Keep waiting and just try your damndest to stay optimistic?  I've been in a similar situation before.  I feel that it's become a pattern.  I'm always forced into a situation where I have to choose either waiting longer for what I want to happen (that may or may not ever come/happen) OR leaving and starting over again elsewhere.  Last time I left and started over.

I'm boggled as to why I always get sucked into these situations...  It truly makes you reevaluate yourself.  It makes you take a long look in the mirror.  I've never loved what I've seen, so that's no big surprise.

Maybe that's just it.  Maybe it really is just that simple.  People see what I see, and they just don't want it...

I'm so burnt out on trying to keep my chin up.  I'm so tired of people telling me to try art classes or dance classes to "keep busy".  I don't want to keep busy while I sit and watch everyone else living.  I want to fucking live...  I really hoped I'd be at that point after a year, but alas...  here I am.  Puffy eyes and all.

Maybe surgery will go horribly wrong.  Now there's that silver lining.

xo,
Rachael

The West Memphis Three and Me

A mixed bag of emotions.  A mixed bag of really strange and wonderful and not so wonderful things all at once.  Just when you think the roller coaster is pulling into the station for it's last go-around, someone takes a hammer to the loose spikes on the rickety old thing and new passengers hop in the cars for another ride.

Most importantly, on Friday, August 18, 2011, the West Memphis 3 were released after spending half their lives-- 18 years-- behind bars.  If you don't know about the case, I highly suggest reading up on it at the very least, but also watching the Paradise Lost documentaries.  Those docs certainly changed my life.

Long ago, I caught the HBO original Paradise Lost documentary on late at night (insomnia was at an all time high back then).  I was probably sitting there in all black, maybe a Marilyn Manson t-shirt, heavy eye makeup, etc.  I was a little goth teenager in a small Southern Maryland town.  Even my own uncle (or drunkle as I like to refer to him) accused me of being a "devil-worshipper" which was completely bonkers since I didn't even believe in a devil!  Regardless, their story touched me because I identified with the accused on many levels, but realizing the power of a documentary changed my life.

I ended up going to school originally for photography, but once I took a video class, I was sold and never looked back.  From the moment I picked up a video camera, I was making mini-documentaries.  All of this was truly because of Bruce Sinofsky and Joe Berlinger's unique and deeply committed style of filmmaking and storytelling.  I was lucky enough to meet Bruce in a film class I took in college and proceeded to overload him with questions about Paradise Lost, the case, the teens accused, and the crazy stepfather character in the films.  I asked how he could possibly be so professional and keep his cool while uncovering injustice right and left.  Other students in my class looked at me like I had lost it (or snorted an eight ball of cocaine before class because of the speed of my questions), but they clearly hadn't seen the films or else there wouldn't have been one side-eye-- all eyes would have been locked in on the celebrity/hero that was sitting at the head of our classroom.

This case has held a special place in my heart for a long, long time.  I have never been so interested or sickened by a case...  The fact that these boys (I call them boys because they were when they were arrested, but they are pushing 40, now) are finally walking free makes me cry.  It hurts my heart to think about all of their lost time.  What awful things they had to endure for the past 18 years...  and the fact that they are on the streets walking free right now--  if anyone had any doubt that these boys actually murdered 3 children, there's NO WAY they would be free.  Thank christ for Peter Jackson (yes-- Lord of the Rings Peter Jackson) and his film partner who funded the defense in new forensic and DNA testing for the past 7 years which brought up enough evidence to prove the boys could in no way be linked to the murders.

I would do just about anything to hug them.  All three of them.

I cried as I watched them speak.  I cried again watching them walk out of prison-- Damien feeling sunlight on his skin for the first time in 10 years--  And I'll probably continue to cry for them as more and more information is released proving just how wrong Arkansas was for locking up these three innocent men.

I cry for the families of the victims, too.  It's hard to watch old footage of them screaming for death penalties and talking about how they would love to rip their faces off and murder the wrongly accused teens, but what other outlet did they have?  None--  Now, just so everyone knows, almost every parent of the victims (except the one who's DNA was found at the crime scene) says the WM3 are innocent and has asked their forgiveness...  That's saying something.

Anyway, this overshadows anything else going on in my life currently.  I'm certainly at another point after hitting my one year anniversary in Connecticut of re-thinking some things and re-evaluating where I want my life to be/go, but that's for another post.  Right now, my heart is full of love and hope for the WM3.

xo,
Rachael

Menopause at 28...

Sounds awesome, right?

This week I've been doubled over, crying, not sleeping, constantly nauseous, exhausted, sweating profusely (from being attached to a heating pad constantly), and holding or pressing on my stomach.  My endometriosis has resurfaced with a vengeance this week.  I suppose it's slowly been creeping back, but the pains I've been feeling this week have been unbearable.  I don't remember the cramps being this bad except during my first periods following my surgeries.  All the spots that had been lasered and scraped at start bleeding and it's obviously painful.  That's what it's felt like this week, but the hard part is, there's no light at the end of this tunnel this time.  I don't have months/years of less pain to look forward to because I haven't just had surgery.

For years I have been avoiding the drug called Lupron.  It has been used to help treat the symptoms of endometriosis by putting women into a reversible menopausal state (it is also used to treat men with advanced prostate cancer).  Along with not getting your cycle, you get the hot flashes, joint aches, bone loss, mood swings, etc. etc. etc.  All the fun stuff you hear women talk about when going through "the change".   My doctor in Baltimore wasn't a big fan of this option, either.  He knew it sounded as horrible as cramping from endometriosis can get...

I always said I would rather just manage the pain with medication for as long as I possibly could.  I have had some success with the surgeries, so I would prefer that I could take that route again.  My new doctor doesn't seem to think that's a good option unless I was ready to try to get pregnant in the next year (which obviously I'm not close to) since the surgery helps increase fertility.

After not sleeping last night, I had to call and make an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday.  I've spent most of the day upset, anxious and dreading the thought of having to take this treatment path.  It's horrible, but there are really very few options for endometriosis.  I cry any time I actually let myself think about getting the shots and what it might do to me and the new stresses my body will have to deal with, and more scary to me-- my mind.  I am pretty open and honest about my bouts with depression.  I've had problems with birth control in the past that made me more sensitive and moody and I hated life that way...  I can't imagine willingly singing up for something that may make me depressed and miserable...  and to have to go through it up here alone...  It's really hard.  It's not an option I'm wanting to choose, but I don't feel like I have a choice.

I guess I'll see what he has to say Wednesday...

xo,
Rachael