Chronic Pain

I've never considered my endometriosis "chronic pain" until now.  It's hard to be happy at all when you're in pain all the time.  It's even harder when you have a history with depression, you've left your family and lost your friends and are quite alone in a state you're still unfamiliar with after a year of residing in it.

I started this blog to try to keep myself positive while embarking on this new journey.  To try to find the silver lining in the lonely days, but there are some days where that silver lining is just buried too deep...

I went through hell this past year.  I realized who my true friends were (lets just say it wasn't the hundred who showed up for my going away party...  or even 5 of them), I suffered through a long, depressing, snowy and icy winter nearly alone, aside from Dan who was just starting some rough rotations and have still been trying to fit in at work.  Last week was my one year anniversary up here in Connecticut and to date, I still haven't had one Maryland friend come and visit me.  I've, in fact, only had 4 visitors.  My sister and her husband, Boots from Ohio and my beloved Adina from Pennsylvania.  Dan has had plenty of visitors.  He has good friends who care about him and care about staying in touch.  It's nice to be a part of that, at least.  My parent's haven't even been up to see where I've been living...

The year in review is tough for me to swallow.  I see life's happiness as somewhat of a pie chart.  The happiness is nearly equal parts friends, family, relationship, career and future goals and plans to look forward to.  Something to work towards.  I feel like at the end of this year in CT, I only have one of those things here.  That's the relationship.  I'm missing friends, family, career fulfillment and things to look forward to.

What do you do when you're in a situation like that?  Do you stick it out longer and hope for the best?  Keep waiting and just try your damndest to stay optimistic?  I've been in a similar situation before.  I feel that it's become a pattern.  I'm always forced into a situation where I have to choose either waiting longer for what I want to happen (that may or may not ever come/happen) OR leaving and starting over again elsewhere.  Last time I left and started over.

I'm boggled as to why I always get sucked into these situations...  It truly makes you reevaluate yourself.  It makes you take a long look in the mirror.  I've never loved what I've seen, so that's no big surprise.

Maybe that's just it.  Maybe it really is just that simple.  People see what I see, and they just don't want it...

I'm so burnt out on trying to keep my chin up.  I'm so tired of people telling me to try art classes or dance classes to "keep busy".  I don't want to keep busy while I sit and watch everyone else living.  I want to fucking live...  I really hoped I'd be at that point after a year, but alas...  here I am.  Puffy eyes and all.

Maybe surgery will go horribly wrong.  Now there's that silver lining.

xo,
Rachael