Ventilation

I feel like I'm drowning.  Each time I allow myself to start feeling optimistic about how things are going up here, something happens to chop that feeling right off.  It's pretty amazing how specifically I can pinpoint these events-- Me super hopeful and excited about things/the future and then something falling apart immediately after.  It's hard not to feel frustrated and hopeless.

I've been told that I shouldn't let myself get so upset over things that aren't in my control or that aren't my fault, and for some reason that's exactly where my head goes whenever something goes wrong.  I am quick to blame myself.  Even though my health issues are not my fault and this hospital bill out of the blue is not my fault and friends disappearing and reappearing when it's convenient for them is not my fault, but I always find a way to make it my fault.

I convince myself that I'm not good enough or smart enough or a caring enough friend to have my old friends want to make an effort toward staying in my life.  Same with marriage- Not good enough or pretty enough or thin enough.  My medical bills were not my fault, but I guess I should have tried finding out how much everything was going to end up costing before I had the surgery done.  It was my choice to move to CT from a good job with great health insurance, and buy a new car without knowing about CT Property tax.  These are things I can somehow put on myself instead of blaming my insurance company, doctors, friends, etc.

I can honestly say that I've reached a new point of stress in my life that I don't think I've ever felt before. I've worked so hard at keeping flawless credit and staying out of debt and feel like the bottom just broke out from underneath me.  I'm drowning.  One of these hardships has a domino effect on my mind and my thought process and my anxiety.  The hospital bill makes me think about the job I left and the surgery I had before that I didn't pay a dime for because of the great insurance I once had, which makes me think about not having my cushion I've independently built up for myself,  which reminds me of how hard I've been working to get to a point where I'm happy career-wise in CT, which reminds me of how much I've done and given up in general which makes me think about what I gave it all up FOR, which in return makes me think, once again, about not being where I had hoped we would be.  It's all quite depressing and nerve-wracking.  You get to a point where you can't breathe anymore.  I can't find anything to look forward to.  I can't find any positives to balance out the tremendous amount of negative.  I knew my year was planned out for me already with other people's weddings, bachelor parties, holidays with family (I now have to use my own vacation time for)...  nothing for myself, really.  Nothing for my relationship.  That was tough enough to swallow every day, and now all of this?

It's so hard.  It's such a rough area right now.  I keep thinking about how many times I've really been shaken since I've been in CT and it's been several.  I keep saying it feels like a joke and I'm waiting for someone to jump out and say, "JUST KIDDING!"  Or that it feels like a test-- someone's just pushing me to see how much it will take before I break.  I think I'm breaking.  I think this is it for real.  I can't stop crying.  My jaw is twitching on its own.  I'm constantly on edge.  I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.  It's too much to take.  The amount of times I've had to pick myself up off the ground and try to get back up and keeping going since I moved up here is ridiculous...  I don't know how many more times I'll be expected to do this.  On top of all of this, my physical pain has gotten really bad again...

A huge part of me wants to throw in the towel, curl up in a ball (preferably under a rock) and just take some time off work and lose it for a while...  It's bad.  Thoughts and feelings I haven't felt in so long.  I'm not going to be able to afford therapy or any other medical expensive, luxury expenses, etc. for a long, long time.  Guess it's a good thing I don't have a wedding to plan or any children on the way.

Amazing how much life can turn around in a day...

xo,
Rachael