To Vacay or Not to Vacay (and most importantly - WHERE?)

I realized tonight, a lot of times, my immediate reaction is "no."  Not like "no, I don't like that" or "no, I won't try that," but more "no- my situation won't allow it."  I've had to learn to let go of so much that I find it easier to set myself up for the disappointment ahead of time.

Dan asked me tonight if we could talk about going on a vacation.  While it sounds nice and mushy, there's a bit more to it than that.  It isn't a, "let's sit down and plan out a trip to a place we'd both love to go to."  It was a, "There's a Groupon travel deal that's pretty sweet."  "Where to?"  "Cancun.  All-inclusive."  While I would love to do one of those beachy resort vacations with Dan at some point, I've also kind of thought it'd be fun to do one of those with a big group and do a more romantic "check that destination off your bucket list" kind of vacation with Dan by ourselves.  Maybe that's why my thoughts immediately went to the "can't do it" zone...  Portugal was incredible, but was a family vacation and other people's engagement trip.

Here's the real deal-  I work at a very inflexible place with very little vacation time.  I live far away from my family and friends.  I get very little time to get to go see them and it's very rare that anyone ventures up this way (once a year maybe if I'm lucky).  So a lot of my vacation time needs to be set aside for things like holidays that I don't get normal time off for.  That makes REAL "vacation" time super precious.  I don't know if I want to spend my real vacation time in Cancun instead of Napa or Europe or planning our future instead.

That leads to the next brain blockade.  My future.  2012 is already planned.  There won't be any new exciting life changes in 2012 that I need to save my vacation time for, and that's a real bummer.  Cancun, all-inclusive resort with watered down drinks and mediocre food?  Sure...  Why not?  What else am I going to spend it on?  (That's the "fuck it" part of my brain talking...)

I know that sounds really bratty.  I would be happy to go anywhere with Dan.  I really would.  And if that's where we can go easily, and there's not going to be other places/vacations we're going to plan out, then I'll take it.  I guess maybe in my head, I'm just wanting that adventurous life to begin this year, and maybe taking a good travel deal is worth it.  I don't know...  I just don't know.

What I do know is that I need more relaxation and yoga and letting go of things I can't change.  What I need is a damn weekend with Emily.  She's like a wise guru, that one...  Throw her mom in the mix, and I may very well be cured.

*sighs*

Always,
Rachael

Finding Closure in Opening Up

My whole body keeps urging me to write.  I feel the need to communicate and pour so much onto a "page", but when I sit down to write, nothing solid comes out.  Right now, there are just fragments of what's been swimming around in my noggin' for the past week...

Bday flowers  from my work that perfectly
match my new bag

Since my birthday, I've been dealing with that whole loss thing a bit more, I've been to Maryland to see old friends and family, and I had a really nice week at work last week.  I was recognized for my efforts and the changes that I've had a hand in making since I started here (freelancing) a year ago next month.  That's putting last week very quick and simply.

It wasn't quick or simple, of course, because that's not how my life, my brain or my heart works.

While the good seriously outweighed the bad in the past couple weeks, the bad is still apparent.  I think it fell out of my face on Friday night since I was home talking to my mom and actually could discuss everything with someone who has seen my life from start to finish.  If anyone can sympathize and/or see it from the outside, it would be my mom (she's almost too brutally honest sometimes and will tell me the real deal even when it hurts).  I was hoping for some sort of insight or some hidden nugget of explanation that I somehow overlooked or missed over the last 5 months of reflection, but even she couldn't seem to understand what has happened since I moved.

So--I have really started the wheels in motion to move forward.  Maybe it was the talk with my mom and solidifying that there isn't any explanation, and there is no going anywhere (positive) from here--maybe that was the "closure" I needed, but I have made a few plans to go forth.  I'm making changes and I think they will all eventually be for the better.

With that under my belt, I slept very soundly last night.  The trip home was much needed.  It reenforced how important family, good friends (and cats) can be to a gal's mood and outlook.

Pete and Abbey

Dan and I both got a bit caught up by being surrounded by my parent's cats all weekend, so I've been looking into the best kinds of cats for people who are allergic.  I know it sounds silly to get something you're allergic to, but what a difference they make in your mood!  I think it's worth it...

Friends venturing out to the woods to see me at my parent's house makes me smile.  Big.  It was a wonderful weekend and just what I needed.  Can't wait for my next trip home.

xo,
Rachael

Positive(ly) Portugal

There are two huge beaming positives that came from my vacation to Portugal.  The first, I picked my camera back up after what I'd love to say was months, but more accurately is probably years.  For some people who don't know, I originally went to college to study Photography.  It was my major.  It is why I was accepted to The Maryland Institute College of Art (well, mainly).  I fell in love with photography in high school.  I had/have a passion for all things people, and snapping one moment in time of one person, one look, one tiny piece of someone drew me in and I found myself loving all forms of artwork I could use to explore people (always wanted to draw portraits, never landscapes-- same went for my photography for the most part).  When I found video, I realized I could use it to capture moments like photography, but also use it to tell people's stories, and I fell in love with that medium, as well.

For some reason, when I graduated and found myself strapped with more responsibilities, I found less time for exploration and artwork.  I think we all go through that phase where things we love to do find their way to the back burners for us while we spend most of our time and energy as young adults on creating a career path (that we hopefully enjoy) and finding a balance between work and relationships with friends and loves.  Sometimes it takes it's toll on our hobbies and passions, and it takes something big (like a very expensive European vacation) to remind us that there's more to us than work and relationships.  There's more to pad the happiness with, and sometimes I forget them (a small list:  books, poetry, documentaries, photography, painting, drawing, makeup, nail polish, funky fashion, design, cooking, people-watching, singing, etc.)  I've never had a successful vacation, so I didn't realize how important and useful they are in forcing you to rediscover these seemingly obvious joys.

Lagos, Portugal
(aka "Beach Don't Give a Fuck")

The second wonderful experience I walked away from Portugal with was the healing power of European self-image.  Know what I adore about Europeans?  They don't give a fuck about what their bodies look like.  Europeans are far more concerned with their mental health and with simply what makes them happy.  Because many of the things that Europeans find happiness in HAPPEN to be healthy (walking instead of driving everywhere, fresh local ingredients close by to cook with and consume, etc.) they don't have the obesity issues crammed down their throats constantly like we do in the states.  The most beautiful and freeing experience is to go to a European beach.

Dan and I feeling free at the beach.

I remember going to the beach in the Dominican Republic and seeing the visiting Europeans being so free with their bodies (sometimes topless, sometimes just in skimpier suits, sometimes just in regular suits with complete confidence) and thinking it was really shocking and a little gross.  I wasn't used to seeing cellulite, stretch marks or saggy breasts hanging out so freely-- signs of aging.  Signs of enjoying life and good foods and probably wine and beer, too!  These people on the beach weren't unhealthy.  They were simply real and honest.  They weren't photoshopped.  And the strangest part about all of this-- they were smiling.  Laughing, even!

Happy for hours on this beach.

It may be because of the state of mind I was in at that time in the DR, or the people I surrounded myself with, but being on the beach in Portugal was a completely different experience for me.  Not only was I being cheered on to lose my shorts by the company I was in, but the general population of people on the beach were REAL people.  They had physical signs of living life and not spending every day dieting and denying themselves good food or lazy days if they so choose.  It was completely natural and no one-- NOT ONE person looked at anyone else with judgement.  Find me a beach in the US where a gal with extra flab in a bikini isn't ridiculed and/or made fun of (even if it's behind her back).  I mean fuck just a bikini-- in a swimsuit at ALL being more than 120 lbs, you're going to get glances and you're going to feel uncomfortable in your own skin.  It's unfortunate...

Obligatory Vacation Shot.

And while it's with me now, and will probably fade with time, I have that European mentality about my body.  I felt just as good in my bikini on that beach as I ever have about my body.  It probably says a lot about the people I was with as much as it does the culture I was in the center of.  I didn't feel judged, and it was incredibly freeing.

I'm going to try and hold tight to these two positive aspects of this trip and remember them when I'm feeling too American.

xo,
Rachael

P.S.
For all of my trip's photography, you can visit here.

Portugal In Progress...

 Enjoy many more photos from my trip thus far.  Updated daily HERE.

xo,

Rachael

Putting It Out There

After an 11 hour shoot day, I drug myself home to pile on a new coat of under eye makeup, powder and a sweep of blush to try to hide some of the zombie green that was settling into my skin for the evening.  I grabbed the tray of veggies I cut up the previous evening, the tri-flavored hummus platter and two bags of pita chips I snagged from the grocery store Sunday and got right back into my car to head to a stranger's house.

I've gotten a little ballsy since I moved to CT.  I've had to be...  moving at all took some balls, but in order to meet new people at 27, find a new job with no real networking connections, and fill out the rest of my life that needs a little padding, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and do some things that scare you or that you're not incredibly comfortable with.

One thing that was a necessity was finding a new local doctor/specialist to help me deal with my next steps in dealing with my endometriosis.  While sitting in the waiting room, nervous, I scanned the room for pamphlets, magazines, posters of uteri and fliers--anything at all to take my mind off of a new set of doctors, nurses and fellows that would be acquainting themselves with my nether regions.  There was a flyer on the wall--one lone white 8x10 piece of paper with an email address and the words, "Endometriosis Support Group.  If interested, please contact ___".  I took a picture of the flyer and decided to email the address later in the week.  2 months passed and I never heard back.

I had really forgotten about the whole situation until May 27th when an email arrived from a gal named Julie introducing herself and explaining that she was the contact on those fliers and had been swamped with work, but had free time, now, and wanted to devote some of it to finally getting this group together. She explained her own diagnoses and a little about herself and offered to host the first meeting at her house and gave a list of dates and times to choose from.

After a few emails back and forth introducing ourselves to each other, the day was set, and we all brought (way too many) appetizers to share.  There were 4 of us total (a fifth that didn't reply), and we all spent a few hours getting to know one another, sharing tips, stories and concerns with one another.  It was almost scary how quickly we all were bonded by this disease, which, by the way, wasn't the only thing we talked about.

I'm sure that some of these girls will become friends that I hang out with outside of our little group.  It was really a wonderful evening filled with great conversation, food and wine, and I couldn't be happier that I stretched outside of my comfort zone.  I really got to meet some extraordinary women because of it.

Popina

Next stop:  Portugal!  I (unapologetically) ripped off Kelle Hampton's new bathing suit and I couldn't be more thrilled with it.  Super retro/pin-up (with a detachable halter strap).  It's yellow with white polka dots, but you can't tell from the shitty pic.  Also, got my first Victoria's Secret swimsuit top (helllooooo, tittays) and a swim skirt from Popina (same place as the one piece) because my least favorite part of my body is right where that swim skirt covers.  Hopefully this will be the most comfortable I've been in beachwear in a while...  I also spent a good amount of money on skirts and sundresses.  I'm looking forward to sun and culture...  Hoping for relaxation and a good amount of time with Dan.

Top: VS, Skirt: Popina

This week has been incredibly stressful work-wise, and I've gotten very little sleep.  Hopefully the next update will be from a far more relaxed gal.  :)

xo,
Rachael


P.S.  I'm totally obsessed with this song "Ambling Alp" by Yeasayer.  Give it a listen on my playlist (turn up your speakers!!).