I realized tonight, a lot of times, my immediate reaction is "no." Not like "no, I don't like that" or "no, I won't try that," but more "no- my situation won't allow it." I've had to learn to let go of so much that I find it easier to set myself up for the disappointment ahead of time.
Dan asked me tonight if we could talk about going on a vacation. While it sounds nice and mushy, there's a bit more to it than that. It isn't a, "let's sit down and plan out a trip to a place we'd both love to go to." It was a, "There's a Groupon travel deal that's pretty sweet." "Where to?" "Cancun. All-inclusive." While I would love to do one of those beachy resort vacations with Dan at some point, I've also kind of thought it'd be fun to do one of those with a big group and do a more romantic "check that destination off your bucket list" kind of vacation with Dan by ourselves. Maybe that's why my thoughts immediately went to the "can't do it" zone... Portugal was incredible, but was a family vacation and other people's engagement trip.
Here's the real deal- I work at a very inflexible place with very little vacation time. I live far away from my family and friends. I get very little time to get to go see them and it's very rare that anyone ventures up this way (once a year maybe if I'm lucky). So a lot of my vacation time needs to be set aside for things like holidays that I don't get normal time off for. That makes REAL "vacation" time super precious. I don't know if I want to spend my real vacation time in Cancun instead of Napa or Europe or planning our future instead.
That leads to the next brain blockade. My future. 2012 is already planned. There won't be any new exciting life changes in 2012 that I need to save my vacation time for, and that's a real bummer. Cancun, all-inclusive resort with watered down drinks and mediocre food? Sure... Why not? What else am I going to spend it on? (That's the "fuck it" part of my brain talking...)
I know that sounds really bratty. I would be happy to go anywhere with Dan. I really would. And if that's where we can go easily, and there's not going to be other places/vacations we're going to plan out, then I'll take it. I guess maybe in my head, I'm just wanting that adventurous life to begin this year, and maybe taking a good travel deal is worth it. I don't know... I just don't know.
What I do know is that I need more relaxation and yoga and letting go of things I can't change. What I need is a damn weekend with Emily. She's like a wise guru, that one... Throw her mom in the mix, and I may very well be cured.