Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2012 is already scheduled to be a year to watch everyone else live out their dreams... It's sad that timing (yeah, I'll call it "timing") has fucked me once again... The more I find out, the more angry I get. Everything feels so out of my control. It's times like those that I make snap decisions and irrational moves (which is kind of exhilarating).
I spent most of 2011 watching other people live. I've explained this to many as me sitting in one place not progressing. I'm staring into the mirror seeing my face age, and having nothing to show for it. I haven't become anything new in the past year- not even a particularly better version of myself. I'm just here. Aging. Spinning my wheels. Contently, otherwise, I suppose...
I'm doing all that I can not to burst and let everything that's swimming around in my head take over, but it's tough. You reevaluate at the end of each year and see how far you've come or mark the milestones and this year, I have none aside from financial victories and material items (new car, a few new disgustingly expensive handbags, etc).
It was 2010 that I moved for Dan, left my old job, found a new one, etc. I lost a lot of friends in 2010-2011, and gained two close friends. In 2011, I have become more confident and kicked complete ass in a job that rarely challenges me. I'm not sure how proud one can be of that accomplishment?
When reading my new year's post from last year, a word that showed up a lot was "proud." I guess if I had to choose anything to be proud of in 2011, it would be becoming aware that I can do most anything on my own. I've been forced to figure quite a bit out, and I did each time (finances, health issues, depression, lack of friends, etc). I know that if the snap decisions and irrational moves tapped me on the shoulder, I could keep up with them, if that makes any sense. And that does give me some sort of pride/comfort.
I feel a hell of a lot more comfortable in this state than I did this time last year, and I feel more confident in my relationship. That hasn't swayed. It's just hard to see around all of the roadblocks that have been set in my path by others that I have no say in. There comes a time where you have to make your own future plans and stop passively waiting and dreaming. That's my hope for the new year-- I hope that I will grow a pair and make some moves. Some incredibly irrational and impressive moves to shake this world of mine up. After all- we only have one life to live, right?
I often think of parenting and how I would raise a child/children of my own. I think of how my parents raised my sisters and I and I'm constantly reminded of the values they instilled in me that I take a lot of pride in. One shining example is simply manners. Maybe it's because we were more Southern than the people I'm used to being around up here (though some of the kids I grew up with had zero manners and lived less than 10 miles away) or maybe because that's how my parents were raised and it's what they knew. Whatever the case may be, my first reaction to ANYTHING that is said to me is wondering how my response will be taken by that person and how to respond without hurting anyone's feelings--even if it's work-related or opinion-based. Unfortunately, a lot of times, that means me just keeping my mouth shut and never voicing my true opinions or watering them down to be palatable by the sensitive. This is totally fine (and appropriate) in most cases. However, I'm starting to find that the squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease and I'm tired of being fucked. Maybe other people's feelings should be less of a concern than my own these days. I want to find a balance. I need to find a balance.
I'm not one for resolutions, but I reflect all year long. The year wasn't bad. It wasn't great. There were wonderful moments and memories made this year, just no milestones to etch into a timeline. I'm sure I'll have many more years just like that, but I won't be thrilled about it. My goal is and always will be to find my raison d'etre.
Adina and I chatted over the weekend about life and where ours stand currently. We both realized that we have no regrets and not many people I know can say that. We live our lives regret-free, and I think that is heavily tied to always striving to experience new things and always be open to moving and evolving. She and I have both always been this way, and I guess that's why I'm feeling so uncomfortable standing still. Having to fake smiles and congrats is uncomfortable and feels like regret is lurking around the corner... It's not my style.
So, to wrap up, cheers to an explosive 2012 - to LIVING and no longer standing still.
-Buying my Mazda 3
-SYTYCD w/ Adina & Mandy
-Portugal w/ Dan's fam
-Labor Day Party (Jess and John, Kevin, Eli)
-Twilight Zone Halloween
-Miss Kitty Portrait and Jenny w/ the Green Ribbon
-Visiting Em & J in Bmore
-Thanksgiving & Xmas w/ fam
-Parents visiting in CT