Friday, January 20, 2012

Your 2012 Resolution Will Not Trump My 2011 Resolution.

I've been toying around with this entry for about 2 weeks.  It started out incredibly negative and full of anger.  The second draft was less angry, more introspective.  This draft is one I'm contemplating not even publishing because I'm feeling kind of over it, but here it goes...

Basically, long story short(er), 2011 was a tough year for me filled with a lot of loss and grieving over losing old friends and acceptance, then I'd get a glimmer of hope, then the cycle began all over again. By the end of 2011, I had gotten myself in a pretty good spot as far as friendships were concerned. As cliche as it sounds, I knew who my true friends were and I was okay with it.  Hell, I was more than okay with it-  I'm more grateful than ever for the incredible few people who stuck by me through my move- those people who were there for me when I needed friends the absolute most.  THRILLED to have them in my life.

I don't really make New Year's resolutions. There are lifelong goals and things I'm constantly working on and I set them throughout the year, but they aren't so much "resolutions". There are challenges that crop up and I deal with and there are decisions I make to better things for myself and I work towards them. Last year, I had to work really hard on letting go of people that were very important to me. It took literally all year to make this happen...

This isn't the first time I have been used up and put in a position where I am forced to "clean house" and cut out people who are doing more harm to me than good.  I've had a couple other phases I can recall where I had to step back and say, "holy shit.  This person is really hurting me" and block them out.  It was really hard the first time because I used to be a total doormat and a sucker for those in need (emotionally wrecked people).  Those types of people will take and take and take until you tell them to go fuck themselves.  It became easier the second and third time because once I realize what's happening and that someone is using me, I'm out.  Usually.  It depends on the relationship I have with the people, I suppose.

In 2011, I was forced into a lot of new situations that were scary and tough because of my move.  One of those situations was to actually ask for help.  To reach out to friends, family and acquaintances for help because I was alone and scared and needed support.  That alone was hard for me to do.  I'm stubborn and independent and want to be able to take care of myself, but I couldn't last winter.  Or spring.  I needed help and asked for it for maybe the first time ever, and the people I counted on the most couldn't be there for me.  People I have been there for numerous times and have put myself through the ringer for couldn't be bothered.

It's been a very painful process to come to this realization, but a necessary one.  It was one of those (unfortunate) goals that popped up last year that I resolved to resolve.  It became my number one 2011 resolution.

That's why when one of those people decide that their 2012 resolution is going to be trying to repair their being absent and living in their own selfish world for the past few years, it becomes painful all over again.  "Too little too late" doesn't begin to explain how I feel on the situation, but it's nice, simple and to the point.  What once was a gaping open sore that had the scab picked at for an entire year finally healed over and became a scar.  A scar which reminds me when I happen to see it not to make the same mistakes.  I've gone to great lengths to not have to see that scar daily.  I've done all that I can without completely cutting ties so that I keep my sanity.  It's been great for me and really key in helping me move forward.  It's how I was able to get to the healthy place I am, now.

I intend on keeping my momentum moving forward.  This week has been so healing.  I overcame many incredible challenges at work, began a new yoga class, got some time with friends, and I've been inspired and feel rejuvenated.  I'm feeling confident and proud of myself for all of my hard work emotionally and professionally I've done in the past year.  I'm not going to let someone else's resolution get in the way of all of my hard work.  The sad part about it all is that because of the absence and complete lack of interest in my well-being over the past year, they have zero idea where my life is and how I've gotten here.  It's a real shame, but "how are you doing?" and "what's new?" have been too hard to ask in the past year, so why would it start now?

Hopefully my 2012 resolutions will end up being a bit more positive to report on next year.  I am feeling incredibly optimistic tonight after a great week.  I will continue to accomplish goals and surround myself with positive people who support me, and that will ensure things only go up from here.


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