Snow on My Parade

In Connecticut today, it snowed.  It's October, and it legitimately snowed.  Not a flurry.  Not a light dusting.  Close to a foot (at least) out there, currently.  I had an appointment to have my oil changed and tires rotated, and as I drove to the dealership, the snow started falling.  By the time I left the dealership, all of the cars were covered in snow and I wasn't there for 45 minutes.  My original plan for the rest of the day was to pamper myself.  Go get my nails done.  Relax.  I've been going non-stop since before I left for St. Louis for work.  I've been dealing with a lot lately, and it was all catching up with me this past week.

I took the long way round to get home to just drive near the nail shop and told myself if it wasn't too bad, I'd go ahead and have them done...  Well, I got to the nail shop and it was that bad.  It was REALLY bad...  but I went anyway.  I can't describe how badly I needed today- a day of rest.  A day alone.

The drive home was scary.  Lots of trees down.  I parked in our driveway and not 10 minutes after I got home, I heard a large crash.  I ran to the back window to see what had fallen.  There was a tree branch that had my car pinned in.  Our driveway is surrounded by large trees.  There were more branches cracking and dangling over our cars...  We all moved quickly.  The neighbors and I dragged the massive branches as far as we could to get them out of the way and drove to the school that's a block away to park.  My wheels spun and my neighbor had to push my car to get it into the spot...  October...

Today was depressing for a lot of reasons.  The snow/freezing cold was certainly a big reason...  Anyone who knows me know how badly I hate winter, and to have it creep up months early is almost enough to make me want to off myself...  but on top of that, it is what usually is my favorite weekend of the year.  Halloween weekend.  Normally, I would find myself in some bar surrounded by friends, all in costume, drinking and laughing the night away.  Two years ago, I had the best Halloween I've ever had in Baltimore.  Everything about the night was wonderful.  Dan and I both dressed up, had friends who we don't see often come stay with me and we used my old place of work (I miss dearly) as a playground between bars.  It was fucking perfect.  Last year I was in a friend's wedding, so Halloween wasn't really celebrated as much as the marriage was, of course.  This year, I had my dream costumes (that I've wanted to do for years) all ready to go and realized I had nowhere to go...

Tonight I don't just find myself with nowhere to go (because CT doesn't really do Halloween like MD does AND because of the weather), but also alone.  Dan took a shift at the hospital tonight...  When he asked what I thought of it, I said "do whatever you have to do" because I don't want to dictate what he does, ever, but I guess it really kind of hurt more than I was expecting.  Partly because it's an important weekend for me, last year was a rough Halloween weekend for me, we went through the trouble of getting costumes, I have been a wreck lately...  for so many reasons, I felt like I needed this weekend and I thought he would, too...  

On the other hand, since I've been such a wreck lately, the solitude has been really nice.  Sometimes I need alone time.  I need time to process thoughts and feelings.  I've been really depressed and stressed out lately and there's a lot going on in my brain.  There's a circus happening in there.  So many questions and doubts and worries and very few answers or positive.  It's rough.  It's a rough patch.  I'm unsure of how to fix any of it.

I'm so exhausted.  Mentally, I'm just drained.  I've been really fucked with for the past month and I've reached my breaking point.  My head is saying "enough!" My heart is deflated.  My defense mechanism is up and in full effect.  Unfortunately, it doesn't know how to only to be on duty while at work...  

It's these times where I know therapy isn't going to help.  It's purely situational.  So I have to fix my situation.  As usual, the responsibility falls on me to fix things for myself (surprise, surprise).  I just don't know where to start this time...  I think I do, and then I quickly realize I don't have many choices or at least not the ones I would like.  It's easy to give up when you're constantly let down.  Not sure how I'll crawl out of this one...

And on that note, hope everyone else is enjoying their Halloween weekends.  Have a drink and a dance for me.

xo,

Rachael