Thursday, February 3, 2011

Still Waiting For Something to Give...

Today was not a great day, I can say without hesitation.  The weather is beating this poor state down and making it it's bitch.  If Connecticut had a face, it would be black and blue and it would be crying and telling everyone who asked what happened that it "fell down the stairs."  The weather blows, and since I actually decided to do something with myself last weekend (NYC for Dismemberment Plan reunion), I ended up getting sick.  I spent most of yesterday laying around with my heating pad, dozing on and off and taking lots of medicine.  I feel better today, but was stuck, yet again, inside all day because of the weather.  Needless to say, it's been getting lonely around here since my boyfriend never gets snow days...

I think it's a mix of being sick, feeling sore, being cooped up in a small apartment for days, but everything that had been sitting on the back burner of my brain and heart came to the surface today with another snippet of possibly bad news.

I have really been putting a lot of stock in moving closer to Hartford (a city up here in CT).  We had an apartment that is seemingly perfect fall into our lap when a friend of mine from work let us know that she and her fiancee had just bought a house and had to give up their apartment that they adored.  Fortunately for them (and unfortunately for us), they closed on the house a lot quicker than they had originally expected which puts us in a place to have to make a decision very quickly.  Each time we've made plans to see the apartment, the weather has made us their bitch, as well!

On top of this, the fact that our lease is up in June kinda puts a damper on the whole plan...  Sure, there are other apartments in and around Hartford, but I've really been falling in love with everything I've been hearing about this one...

Today I just really felt the weight of how important our next location really is.  Everything I've hoped for up here in Connecticut just hasn't quite panned out.  I've tried a lot, and things work to a certain extent, but nothing has been great or turned out better than planned or been a nice surprise.  Nothing so far.

15 Mins. of chipping work.
It gets frustrating and it gets hard to keep going.

I've been saying that moving close to the city is my last hope here - to find somewhere I can actually fit in, make new friends and call "home," and if that were to fall through, I don't know where it would leave me, but I saw glimpses of it today, and it wasn't pleasant.

After taking that all in and a nice hot shower, I decided to focus on the only true good thing that I do love about Connecticut-- and that is cooking dinner for Dan, eating dinner with Dan and laying around and watching my stupid shows at night with Dan.

I can escape and be creative in the kitchen and I've always loved cooking.  I also love to make people happy, so serving food to anyone at all I really enjoy.  I go all out--for instance: tonight it was chili, so I had all of the fixin's laid out to choose from.  Red onion finely chopped, shredded cheese, sour cream, etc.  I use the best ingredients and also made salads and cornbread to accompany the main course.  This was all just for Dan and I to enjoy.

And the night cap?  Making fun of TV together.  I mean, we obviously enjoy the shows we settle in to watch, but there's just so much to laugh about when it's just the two of us, and thank christ for that.

So...  here's to keeping in mind why I'm here, and the only reason I'm here...  And here's to hoping that I soon have other reasons to be here...



  1. I really hope you find what you're looking for, Rachael. But what if you don't? When do you say, "Enough is enough"? Have you thought of a backup plan?

  2. Believe me-- this is the question I ask myself every day that I break and cry. It happens about once every other month (which is much better than it used to be). I've found a new source of hope with moving closer to a city. Where I am now has great steamed cheeseburgers, but literally nothing else. There's no life in this tiny town and I can't take it anymore.

    I've always thought I could make new friends anywhere, but if there's nowhere to even go where there are PEOPLE, it's impossible...

    This will be my last shot, and if this doesn't work out, I'll have to really start thinking about Plan B... I've thought about moving closer or to NYC because there's tons of work for me there, but I'd hate not living with Dan (that's the only great thing about my CT set-up) and I'm not a HUGE fan of NYC other than visiting and hanging out. :-/

    We'll see... I think it's only fair to give this state a year. That's a decent amount of time.

    I only know a few things for sure:
    When the weather changes, I'll be far happier, more forgiving and optimistic and I'd be miserable without Dan. I'm going to keep that in mind for now and hope for the best. :-/