Very Merry

What to say about xmas?  Aside from the fact that it was a bundle of amazing wrapped in a bow made of awesome, it was more than I could have hoped it would ever be.  My mom really went overboard this year on the presents (no, I am not complaining).  Dan was shocked at the gross amount of presents under (or way around) our tree.  To be fair, there were presents for 7 people under the tree...

Anyhoo, I got everything that I asked for and a few surprises, so I'm assuming Santa agreed that I was a very good girl this year.  Some of my favorite presents included my cashmere Marc Jacobs scarf, MJ mouse necklace and MJ (diaper) work bag that holds EVERYTHING and then some (so nice to not have to carry 4 separate bags to work, now).  I got a nice Steve Madden black leather jacket, and a new Obey blanket jacket/wrap (most comfy thing on earth - like an acceptable robe to wear in public).  Lots of make up and brushes from Sephora ended up in my stocking somehow and my sister showered me with fun little Alexander McQueen themed items (2012 calendar, armadillo shoe ornament, paper doll book).  Dan got me gorgeous little skull earrings with real diamonds for eyes plus Willy Wonka on DVD (can't believe I didn't already own that) and Lemmy's autobiography which I didn't even know existed.  I'm quite pleased with everything.

It was fun sharing a family tradition with someone new.  It's interesting to see how others do things different than your own family and what you've always know to be "normal."

We snuck out to Casey's for drinks with old friends both Saturday and Sunday night and got to visit with extended family on xmas day.  My grandmother had a blast.  It's been a while since I've seen her laugh so hard which made my day.  Aside from it being too short of a visit, I couldn't have asked for more.

The drive home was miserable.  Driving a manual is a blast EXCEPT when you're in traffic and I happened to be in traffic for about 2.5-3 hrs of the 8.5/9 hr commute home on Monday.  It was not fun.  I was exhausted by the end of it, but we headed to Dan's parents to exchange gifts with them.  That was a blast, and I quickly perked up.  Dan's dad shared this amazing Brooklyn Sorachi Ace and we toasted to a happy xmas.  I got the most beautiful hand carved turquoise bracelet from Brian and Rosalie.  It really was a wonderful xmas.

Hope everyone else had as lovely a time as my family and I did.  Feeling very lucky this year.

xo,
Rachael

A True Xmas Miracle!

Well, I must've been good this year.  I only really wanted one thing for xmas, and I got it.  Dan is coming home with me for the holidays!  I can't explain how exciting this is for me and how much it really means to me...

It's a big deal because xmas for my family has always been the same since we were kids (mostly) - we get up early xmas morning, wake my mom up, she gets ready and turns on the video camera (to all of our dismay) and then we enter the "wooden-floor-room" (it's the rarely-used living room.  Most people have that nice/uncomfortable room that rarely gets used, no?) where the xmas tree and all of our glorious presents (from each other and Santa) live.  My sisters and I open our presents at the same time, while shouting out "thank you"s and "Oh my god!"s.  After we are done we run into the family room to get our stockings and run back to the tree and dump them out.  After we finish that, my mom and dad take their turns opening gifts.  You may think that this sounds like the routine from when we were children, but this is exactly what happened last year.

The only thing that has changed in our routine EVER in all my 27 years of xmas was when my sister's husband joined the family.  I remember feeling really angry about it, at first.  It's so silly, because I was an adult when this happened, but it still was this weird feeling about how our family xmas was going to be different.  Honestly, it wasn't very different at ALL, since we all act completely like ourselves around Rod.  It was just the anxiety of the change, I suppose.

He is the only person who has ever joined the Shaw family for xmas morning.  That's a pretty big deal, if you ask me.  I have had past boyfriends come over for dessert on xmas evening, but none of the full-on Xmas morning shebang OR the visiting extended family on xmas.  That's a really really big deal to me.

I can't imagine my life without Dan in it, so imagining the holidays without him there is really strange, even though because of work, he hasn't been able to spend any of the main holidays with my family, so far.  Thinking about xmas without him (he was originally scheduled to be on call xmas day) put me into a pretty shitty slump.  It was a mix of my being sad that I'd be spending another important family gathering without my best friend who is always at my side otherwise, and feeling like it was unfair.  Self pity, if I'm being honest.  I felt like I had done so much and sacrificed so much to be up here to share my life with Dan and his family that I didn't think it was fair that on the rare occasions that I'm able to to spend time with my family, he can't be there to share it with me.  It was really putting a damper on everything.  I just kept letting that shitty down feeling seep into everything else around me.

As you can see from my last post, I was feeling like most everything was going wrong and you start really questioning why you have made the choices you've made.  Why nothing you want to happen is happening and, "why me?" lives in the front of your brain.  It's easy to start questioning things that are completely out of your control, but like a flip of a switch, as soon as Dan informed me he found a coworker (I love you, Christina!) to take his shift at work so he could come home with me, my outlook on everything changed.  I've turned into this "glass half-full" person in an instant.

It's what makes me sure that I made the right decision in being here to be with Dan.  He makes me a happier person- a better person.  My positivity goes beyond being happy about him coming home with me, but extends to others.  I'm joyful and grateful and want to share it.  I find myself (who a week ago was deeply involved in shit-talking sessions) lending a different/positive perspective for people feeling discouraged.  Maybe it's also the yoga, but it's definitely a different feeling and it feels so good.

One big shining example of how my mood/outlook has shifted since news of our holiday plans changed is that when we settled in on Saturday night to do our xmas cards, it was quickly apparent that our list is a lot shorter this year.  Same with my shopping list.  I have a lot fewer people to send holiday greetings to this year, which if you keep in touch with me at all, you know I've been struggling with since I moved.  I explained to my friend at work today, "I see it not so much as a shorter list, but as a stronger list.  A more solid, less bullshit list."  And that's TOTALLY okay with me right now.  I have Dan, and that's obviously more important than the people who fell off the list over the past year.

I wish I could explain the elation I feel about the upcoming holiday and how good knowing why I'm so excited for it makes me feel.  It's a comfortable feeling that I have possibly never felt, or at the very least, not since June...  My anxiety and depression stem from the unknown and second-guessing and wondering.  Right now, I don't feel like I have to wonder.  I don't need to question anything.  It's a nice cozy feeling and that feeling is where happiness- for me- blooms.

May all of your holidays be as warm as my heart feels right now.  If you're having any winter blues, I suggest a little chat with me.  Not only do I understand those blues 100% and sympathize with them, but I also have a lot of positivity to share right now.  It's a rarity, I'm well aware, and don't want to waste it!   Maybe Sophie's half-full glass really is working an xmas miracle.  <3

xo,
Rachael

I Wouldn't Care About All the Kicking if I Were in a Coma...

It's hard to walk into someone else's family gathering when you've just left your family behind you, 6 hours away.  No matter how high the flames or how strong the wine, there was a little voice in the back of my head saying, "you don't belong here."  I know that the people there would never want me feeling that way, and it wasn't anything they were doing in particular to make me feel that way.  It was that the holidays are upon us and I wasn't with my family.  I was with a family I see frequently...  far more frequently than my own.

It broke my heart.  Walking up to the bonfire, tears welled up in my eyes.  I stood there stiff, staring into the fire.  I faked a smile and stayed for longer than I wanted.  I wanted to shake all of them and say, "don't you realize I'm supposed to be with my family right now?!"  Instead, I answered their "what's wrong"s with "I'm very tired."  It wasn't all a lie, at least.

Being home for the short few days I was made me realize just how wrong of a fit I am in Connecticut.  The people, the weather, the drivers...  everything.  It just doesn't match.  I'm like a square peg in a round hole (or the other way 'round).  I have a feeling I'm going to be very unhappy for another two years because I'm not seeing much of an out.

I left the show I was counting down the days for early because of seeing some bullshit on facebook that made me cry.  I feel like I'm repeatedly being kicked while I'm down.  It's hard after more than a month of beatings to come back with some sort of rally cry and not just fold and start feeling sorry for yourself.  I honestly just feel like this is a really shit time for me and I'm going to have to suffer through it the best I can.

Somedays, I feel it so deeply in my heart that things would be easier if I just didn't wake up (not talking about suicide, folks).  Not easier just for me (mostly for me), but for everyone.  Everyone is so happy doing what they're doing.  It seems like I'm the odd man out not feeling it these days.  I'm tired of being the wet blanket, and it's obvious my friends are, too.  I'm ready to just fade out. If I could have anything at all in the whole world right now, it would be a 3 month break from my life.  I just want to go somewhere far away for 3 months, not have to worry about my bills or losing my job when I came back, and just resume 3 months from now.  Hibernation of sorts.  A mental health vacation...

It may become a forced vacation in the near future if things don't somehow turn around...  Not sure how much longer I can do this.  I'd consider picking up heroin so those around me would set up a sweet rehab intervention, but alas- there aren't enough people around me to notice some sort of dangerous drug habit. Oh, well.  There's always the slim chance of getting hit by a bus and slipping into a sweet 3-6 month coma...   *dreamy sighs*

xo,
Rachael

Get Busy Living Or...

In all my (more recent) years of therapy, something I really got out of it was my therapist telling me to set timelines and goals for myself.  I have trouble with giving people and situations the benefit of the doubt a lot-- to a fault.  I know what many of you (if there are any men reading this) are thinking.  No- I'm not talking about having babies and my clock-ticking.  I'm not talking about rules society set up for us and following that kind of a timeline.  I'm talking about setting boundaries for myself on things I have absolutely no control over.  Yes, I get anxious when I have no say in what is happening to me.  That might be a bad quality, but I can't really help it, I can only try to soothe it as much as possible.

One way of doing that is giving myself some control by setting limits to what I will allow to happen.  How much of my time I will allow someone to waste, how much of my energy or emotions I will allow someone to take, etc.  Those kinds of limits and timelines.  If I don't do this, I allow people to take and take and take until I wake up one day and go, "holy shit.  I just wasted so much time.  I could have been doing something that would make me happier."

I think most people find this to be true with jobs.  Most people I know settle into their jobs, relationships, area they live, etc.  And then they bitch.  I don't want to fall into that cycle.  I have made some bold moves in the last year and a half.  You don't know how something can turn out if you don't try, so I've been trying.  I've been really trying.  Pushing myself way out of every comfort zone I've ever come to know (and love).

I guess now comes the time that I have to start setting some timelines for myself.  I did set one when I moved.  I swore I would at least give Connecticut a year before I ran and that timeline came and went.  It was hard to stick to at times.  There were definitely days where I was ready to head out and maybe not run home (since very few of my friends from back home were there to help me keep my chin up at all - I guess Dan can thank some of them for me feeling too lonely to even go back to what used to be my "home" on those days), but run.  I have even the tiniest bit of knowledge of a place like San Diego and I know for a fact that I fit in better there, the people are nice and friendly and open and that there are actually jobs in my field there.  Some days I thought, "If I'm going to start over, why not do it in a place I know I can transition smoothly into?"

The answer is pretty obvious.  I moved for Dan.  I'm here for Dan.  Dan has to be here for the duration of his residency (which is two more years)...  So unless I'm ready to give up Dan (rest assured, I am not), then I'm not ready to flee.

Things I saw for myself happening aren't.  Things that were well on their way (at some point...  I think?) are not any longer.  Things are at a stand-still in all areas for me, currently.  And while it is incredibly cliche, there is a Steve Jobs quote that stands out in my head daily, now:

"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something...almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose." - Steve Jobs


It's inspiring.  So inspiring that today I lived so honestly and boldly, I think I'll actually sleep comfortably tonight knowing that I lived today how I would have if I were dying soon-ish.  I was very deliberate with my actions and words today and it felt amazing.  I lived for me today, not someone else.  I really wish it wasn't under the circumstances it was- I wish I wasn't defending myself - but I stood up for myself and for what is right.  I felt like I had nothing to lose because in my situation, I'd rather have "lost" than continued the way things were.  I know I'm being incredibly vague, but it's just one of those topics I can't really be loud about here.

So today, I inspired myself.  It's rare.  It shouldn't be.  I'm going to start taking more of an active role in my own life.  There will always be things I have no control over, but if I'm not happy, I can't sit and watch anymore.  It's not in me and it's not something I want for myself.  I'm not a person who has ever lived with regret and I don't plan on starting now.  I'm too old for that shit.  Too old and too good for it.  Sorry.  I'm not saying me exclusively.  It's meant to be an inclusive statement.  If you're 15 and being treated like crap or living for someone else and not doing what makes you happy, you're too old for that shit.  It's no way to live...

I guess that's where I'm trying to get back to.  "Living."  I feel like that's stopped for me since June.  I need to live so I won't regret anything when death comes a knockin'.  I'm not saying that to be morbid.  I'm saying that to be honest.  It's something I think about and something everyone should.  I think the world would be a different place if more people even considered it.  Forget just being upset over petty bullshit, but people would be REALLY living.  Not putting off their dreams for one reason or another.  That gets dangerous- procrastination.

The next step, I have no idea.  I don't have control over much, but I'll figure out what I do have control over and I'll make it mine.

xo,
Rachael

Halloween Memories

This was the first year that I actually got to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters.  It reminded me of being a kid and our Halloween traditions and rituals my parents lovingly built for us.  For a while, when all the neighborhood kids were youngin's and the neighbors actually all spoke to one another, we would take a hay ride from house to house where each neighbor would set up a fun halloween activity.  I remember being blindfolded and reaching in to feel the "eyeballs" (wet grapes), "brains" (cold spaghetti), and so on.  We would bob for apples at one stop and take in warm apple cider at the next.  The dads were involved by driving us all around in the wagons of hay secured to the backs of their tractors.  It seemed normal at the time, but looking back on it, it was probably pretty unique.

We lived in the middle of nowhere and on "our side of the fork", there was really only our one little street  (Sunnyside Drive.  No, seriously.) that was lined with houses.  Because there were only a handful of houses to get candy from, the parents made it extra special for us.  Some houses would go as far as playing halloween sound effect tapes when we approached to really set the mood.  Imagine that.

I vividly remember being so proud each year of our costumes.  My mom would hand-make all of them.  We would go to Jo-Ann Fabrics, pick out our costumes from massive catalogues of designs and buy the pack of patterns, the fabric, any extra glitter or hardware we needed, and then my mom would somehow find time to break out her sewing machine (while working full-time) and make us the most impressive costumes.  There are a couple of pictures of all us neighborhood kids in a group and amongst the store-bought plastic masks and cheapy transparent costumes overtop their regular jeans and sweaters, we three stood out.  The other parents must've secretly hated mine.  I would have if I were them.

I remember the first time I bought a costume for myself (as an adult), I felt like I was cheating.  I felt like I had copped out...  I always try to really go extreme on the make-up effects if I buy a costume, so I don't feel like I'm totally disappointing my mom's sweet traditions.

Anyway, after the kids in our neighborhood got a little older, we didn't have the biggest group any longer.  My mom would drive us over to the "other side of the fork" where there was a much bigger neighborhood.  Bryantown Hills.  It was tits.  It really was the perfect neighborhood for trick-or-treating. The houses were close to each other for the most part (not as close as in a city, of course, but you didn't need to be driven around in a tractor wagon) and there were tons of houses all handing out candy.  We would take pillowcases and come back with TONS of candy.  It was good candy, too.  Chocolate.  Not Dots, Necco Wafers and  dum dums (I call that "shit candy") which I saw this year they sell in a bag all together that is both the cheapest bag you can buy and also the one that will make kids feel like they wasted their time even bothering to show up at your house.

The reason I bring this up is because there was a specific house we went to that had a husband and wife who opened the door to give us candy.  The husband was a bloodied up dentist and the wife was his patient.  She had blood all over her mouth and shirt and teeth (real teeth or damn good fake ones) handing around her neck on strands of floss.  It was brutal and amazing.  They informed us that they were heading out to a party later on and it always stuck with me.  I knew I wanted to be those people.  It was so cool to see adults dressed up for Halloween.  It was a new concept for me.  I believe this was pre-slut-o-ween times, so while little girls still dressed up pretty like little princesses and little boys dressed like super heros, there was still a great amount emphasis put on scary.  I try to keep that alive today and it's greatly in part because of that couple in Bryantown Hills.

So, what I'm trying to say, is that this year, I finally got to be that couple.  Dan and I dressed up just to hand out candy.  A costume I've been wanting to do for years, I finally did.  No one understood what it was from (I was called "Dr. Piggy" a lot), but we dressed up as the Dr. and nurse characters from the "Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder" episode of Twilight Zone.  Of course we switched it up and Dan was the female nurse, which was fine with me.  Scrubs are like pajamas and I'd much rather be in PJs and sneakers than tights and a small dress (especially with the amount of snow that was outside).

Almost all of the costumes I saw were store bought.  There were also a few kids that were far too old to be trick-or-treating and had no costumes at all, but I'm too much of a wuss to tell them to fuck off...  We found out mid-way through the evening from our neighbor that they had actually cancelled trick-or-treating in our area because of all the down trees and power lines.  It made sense, but I'll be damned if I was going to be a part of ruining some kids Halloween.  We had our jack-o-lanterns out and lit before the sun went completely down and had our HAPPY HALLOWEEN sign (Dan made) prominently displayed on our door.  I'm glad some rebellious kids and parents stuck to their original plan and celebrated the greatest holiday of all.

Hopefully next year we'll see more kids and costumes (apparently they usually get around 150!), there won't be snow on the ground and we'll have more to dress up for than just handing out candy.  Hope everyone had a great (and eventful) Halloween.  Keep those traditions alive.  It may impact some kid more than you know.

xo,
Rachael

Snow on My Parade

In Connecticut today, it snowed.  It's October, and it legitimately snowed.  Not a flurry.  Not a light dusting.  Close to a foot (at least) out there, currently.  I had an appointment to have my oil changed and tires rotated, and as I drove to the dealership, the snow started falling.  By the time I left the dealership, all of the cars were covered in snow and I wasn't there for 45 minutes.  My original plan for the rest of the day was to pamper myself.  Go get my nails done.  Relax.  I've been going non-stop since before I left for St. Louis for work.  I've been dealing with a lot lately, and it was all catching up with me this past week.

I took the long way round to get home to just drive near the nail shop and told myself if it wasn't too bad, I'd go ahead and have them done...  Well, I got to the nail shop and it was that bad.  It was REALLY bad...  but I went anyway.  I can't describe how badly I needed today- a day of rest.  A day alone.

The drive home was scary.  Lots of trees down.  I parked in our driveway and not 10 minutes after I got home, I heard a large crash.  I ran to the back window to see what had fallen.  There was a tree branch that had my car pinned in.  Our driveway is surrounded by large trees.  There were more branches cracking and dangling over our cars...  We all moved quickly.  The neighbors and I dragged the massive branches as far as we could to get them out of the way and drove to the school that's a block away to park.  My wheels spun and my neighbor had to push my car to get it into the spot...  October...

Today was depressing for a lot of reasons.  The snow/freezing cold was certainly a big reason...  Anyone who knows me know how badly I hate winter, and to have it creep up months early is almost enough to make me want to off myself...  but on top of that, it is what usually is my favorite weekend of the year.  Halloween weekend.  Normally, I would find myself in some bar surrounded by friends, all in costume, drinking and laughing the night away.  Two years ago, I had the best Halloween I've ever had in Baltimore.  Everything about the night was wonderful.  Dan and I both dressed up, had friends who we don't see often come stay with me and we used my old place of work (I miss dearly) as a playground between bars.  It was fucking perfect.  Last year I was in a friend's wedding, so Halloween wasn't really celebrated as much as the marriage was, of course.  This year, I had my dream costumes (that I've wanted to do for years) all ready to go and realized I had nowhere to go...

Tonight I don't just find myself with nowhere to go (because CT doesn't really do Halloween like MD does AND because of the weather), but also alone.  Dan took a shift at the hospital tonight...  When he asked what I thought of it, I said "do whatever you have to do" because I don't want to dictate what he does, ever, but I guess it really kind of hurt more than I was expecting.  Partly because it's an important weekend for me, last year was a rough Halloween weekend for me, we went through the trouble of getting costumes, I have been a wreck lately...  for so many reasons, I felt like I needed this weekend and I thought he would, too...  

On the other hand, since I've been such a wreck lately, the solitude has been really nice.  Sometimes I need alone time.  I need time to process thoughts and feelings.  I've been really depressed and stressed out lately and there's a lot going on in my brain.  There's a circus happening in there.  So many questions and doubts and worries and very few answers or positive.  It's rough.  It's a rough patch.  I'm unsure of how to fix any of it.

I'm so exhausted.  Mentally, I'm just drained.  I've been really fucked with for the past month and I've reached my breaking point.  My head is saying "enough!" My heart is deflated.  My defense mechanism is up and in full effect.  Unfortunately, it doesn't know how to only to be on duty while at work...  

It's these times where I know therapy isn't going to help.  It's purely situational.  So I have to fix my situation.  As usual, the responsibility falls on me to fix things for myself (surprise, surprise).  I just don't know where to start this time...  I think I do, and then I quickly realize I don't have many choices or at least not the ones I would like.  It's easy to give up when you're constantly let down.  Not sure how I'll crawl out of this one...

And on that note, hope everyone else is enjoying their Halloween weekends.  Have a drink and a dance for me.

xo,

Rachael

My Parents Visit CT!

This is gonna be a quicky, unfortunately.

I had a fabulous weekend.  My parents came up to visit.  It's the first time my dad has been up to CT.  He (finally) used his xmas gift I got him last year and went to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.  I'm so glad he went and was able to enjoy it.  He's had a rough past year with his knee replacement surgery and lots of other health issues and work conflicts (conflicts is a nice way of saying "works with and/or for at least one cocksucker" - remember that for later).  Being a huge baseball fan and former baseball player (pitcher for University of MD - Number 7), I couldn't stand that he hadn't been, so I got him a one year membership and a plane ticket to ensure his ass would get there.  If I didn't put a time limit on it, he wouldn't have gone.  Point 1 for me.

Anyway, during the day, my mom updated me with several pictures of the neat exhibits at the Hall of Fame and pictures of my father looking like...  well, a child at Christmas.  It was brilliant and warmed my heart.  They made it down our way on Friday and were waiting for me at home when I got off work.

Born and raised to hat the Yanks.  Now you understand.

My mom surprised me with tickets to see Jersey Boys (the documentary-style musical that follows the Four Seasons through their conception to the end).  I guess my dad surprised me the most by attending the show.  He's not really a musical type dude, but this was filled with hits from his childhood and lots of cursing and Sopranos-type machismo filling it out.  It was a great time.

Saturday we went and picked out pumpkins and my parents finally got to meet Dan's parents.  My mom met his parents when she was up to help me with my surgery, but you know-- to have all four of them together was pretty big for me.  It was a great time.  Lots of laughs, drinks, etc.  Aside from some of the topics I would have liked to have avoided, it was a wonderful experience.

Dan and I took my parents to brunch on Sunday and then saw them off.  I spent the rest of the day missing them and dozing.  I've been exhausted from my work trip to St. Louis.  It's been a hell of a past few weeks.  Aside from work stresses, drama and workload, I had a friend from back home die, a good friend from back home get married (and I had to miss said wedding because of work), my pain has been awful and NOT getting better, and missed out on two shows Dan and I had planned to go to...  Work conflicts [elbow].

Me = a complete hungover mess pre-brunch Sunday.  Look at that HAIR.

I've been beyond depressed lately and really need to get myself out of the situation I've found myself in...  The only thing keeping me from one continuous panic attack is knowing that I don't plan on staying in my current situation for long.

And on that note, that's why this is going to be a quicky-entry.  I don't really have the attention span or feel happy enough tonight to get into detail about my weekend.  It wouldn't do it justice.  Instead, I'll be cutting my cuticles (and all skin surrounding my nails) until they bleed...  Gotta focus on something, right?

xo,
Rachael