Friday, May 27, 2011

Home is... Not My Home.

I'm taking the long weekend to head back to Southern Maryland to help assist my papa since he had his knee replaced this past Tuesday.  (Well, for that and just because I miss my family like crazy.  I have plans to do the movies with my sisters, a pedi with my mama and drinks with friends.  Sometimes it's nice to just see those familiar faces.)  My dad's a trooper, but he's active and stubborn as hell, so I can't imagine him having to be immobile.  I just don't see it happening.  I figure my main job will be to try and actually keep him off his feet the entire time I'm home.

I'm stoked to REALLY drive my new car for a long distance.  It should be a nice drive down and I've packed my phone (which I also use as my ipod) with new jams and podcasts from Adam Corolla and Ricky Gervais.  Two very wise, very funny men.

While thinking about going home, there's been a lot of thoughts flying through my head.  For one, it's become abundantly clear that "home" is not my home any longer.  Southern Maryland hasn't been my "home" for 10 years+ years, but Baltimore was always where I considered my "home" to be.  This will be my first trip back to Maryland that I haven't stopped off for at least one night of Baltimore.  This is for a few reasons.  One being that my Bmore BFF is out of town at ze beach (good for you, bitch) and just because it seems like most of the people I know there have no interest in keeping in touch, any longer.  I may do a pit-stop in Catonsville to say hi to old friends who have recently reached out to say hello again...  but we'll see what time I actually make it to Catonsville...

It's an odd feeling.  I have breakdowns about once a month about it all, if I'm being perfectly honest.  My hope is that those breakdowns will become fewer and fewer, as time does heal, and I will move on to the next phase of my life.  I'm taking this opportunity, however, to reassess my current mental health and happiness, so that the next phase of my life starts out nice and peacefully (which is how I'm oddly feeling today.  Peaceful).  Taking responsibility.  You know.  That thing I'm so big on.  :)

It's just a lot to swallow when all of a sudden you say and know it to be true, "Home is not my home anymore..."  I have a new home--  I'm not homeless.  This would be a completely different post if that's how I was feeling-- no.  I feel very at home and cozy in my new life.  In fact, all else is going swimmingly.  Dan is wonderful and I am going to miss him to pieces while being back in MD (he's on call this weekend, so cant come with).  He's really showing me these amazing sides to him each day that make me more and more...  sure.  He's just more than I could ever ask for in a partner, a best friend, a teacher.  He's far more amazing than I give him credit for.  I feel very confident in my career.  I've definitely worked hard to be where I am, and for that I am truly proud, and I've met some great people up here.  We go out more and more now that we have moved back to the city, so I expect that to only flourish further...
Necklace can be found here.

Like I've said before.  Things are falling into place.  It's just odd when you take the time to really look at the changes that are happening or have already happened around you and really breathe it in.  I talked with a dear old friend today about the choice to either be present in your life and take responsibility and be in the moment and know what is going on and own it (good, bad, ugly, amazing), or choose to live in denial and sweep everything under the rug and ignore it (which is not really living, in my opinion).  You can't stop some changes from happening, so you may as well roll right along with it...  I'm on my way.


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