It's hard to walk into someone else's family gathering when you've just left your family behind you, 6 hours away. No matter how high the flames or how strong the wine, there was a little voice in the back of my head saying, "you don't belong here." I know that the people there would never want me feeling that way, and it wasn't anything they were doing in particular to make me feel that way. It was that the holidays are upon us and I wasn't with my family. I was with a family I see frequently... far more frequently than my own.
It broke my heart. Walking up to the bonfire, tears welled up in my eyes. I stood there stiff, staring into the fire. I faked a smile and stayed for longer than I wanted. I wanted to shake all of them and say, "don't you realize I'm supposed to be with my family right now?!" Instead, I answered their "what's wrong"s with "I'm very tired." It wasn't all a lie, at least.
Being home for the short few days I was made me realize just how wrong of a fit I am in Connecticut. The people, the weather, the drivers... everything. It just doesn't match. I'm like a square peg in a round hole (or the other way 'round). I have a feeling I'm going to be very unhappy for another two years because I'm not seeing much of an out.
I left the show I was counting down the days for early because of seeing some bullshit on facebook that made me cry. I feel like I'm repeatedly being kicked while I'm down. It's hard after more than a month of beatings to come back with some sort of rally cry and not just fold and start feeling sorry for yourself. I honestly just feel like this is a really shit time for me and I'm going to have to suffer through it the best I can.
Somedays, I feel it so deeply in my heart that things would be easier if I just didn't wake up (not talking about suicide, folks). Not easier just for me (mostly for me), but for everyone. Everyone is so happy doing what they're doing. It seems like I'm the odd man out not feeling it these days. I'm tired of being the wet blanket, and it's obvious my friends are, too. I'm ready to just fade out. If I could have anything at all in the whole world right now, it would be a 3 month break from my life. I just want to go somewhere far away for 3 months, not have to worry about my bills or losing my job when I came back, and just resume 3 months from now. Hibernation of sorts. A mental health vacation...
It may become a forced vacation in the near future if things don't somehow turn around... Not sure how much longer I can do this. I'd consider picking up heroin so those around me would set up a sweet rehab intervention, but alas- there aren't enough people around me to notice some sort of dangerous drug habit. Oh, well. There's always the slim chance of getting hit by a bus and slipping into a sweet 3-6 month coma... *dreamy sighs*
xo,
Rachael
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No no no no! Bad Rachael! No wishing you'd get hit by a bus! You'd feel awful after the coma anyway :( Hm, looks like the half-full glass isn't working... I will have to try something else... Until then, chin up! Hang in there! Maybe stop yoga and pick up something more destructive... I know I want to. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou know, I feel a lot better since this post was written. A lot of it had to do with the holiday and Dan not being able to be around my fam for it (again). He ended up getting someone to cover his xmas shift, so he'll be joining me back home for that, so right now-- it's like bliss. The yoga has helped a lot, I think. I was so bummed I couldn't go Monday because of how sick I was, but I went last night and it was fabulous (though kickboxing is not out of the question).
ReplyDeleteIt's tough being in my situation having given up so much to be here, but still needing some kind of balance of time Dan and I get to spend with my family. It's hard b/c of his job, but I feel like it's really important that he tries finding ways to make it work... And he has for xmas! I couldn't be more excited (and I'm usually not very...) :)
I LOVE the glass. I need to make some fancy cocktails to drink out of it. :) It did help. A lot. It made me feel not so alone up here which means more than I could ever try to explain. You're the best. xoxoxo