Am I A Grown Up?

If someone told me two years ago that I'd be packing up, leaving Baltimore and my beloved job because I'm truly in love and in an incredibly healthy relationship, I'd tell them to lay off the crack.

But if someone had told me this, they'd be right because that is what is happening.

Yesterday, I reached over to turn the volume down on the mixing board while I was explaining to my new intern how all the hardware works and watched as my left hand pulled the knobs down... I don't know if it was because I was wearing a black cardigan, the L.A.M.B. watch, the accidental pale pink translucent nail polish I chose at the nail salon last week, or that my hands really belong to an adult, but boy did it look grown up. I wouldn't have recognized my hand in a line-up.

And for once, it didn't make me want to throw up.

Whether this is because I'm happy, and mentally the most healthy I've probably ever been, or because I'm old enough to know that the pressures I used to read and take such close notice to in the past (ie: girl magazines, mens magazines, my friends and their dreams being shoved down my throat) are bullshit, I'm not sure.

My mother used to always say that in a healthy relationship, things would progress naturally. That the two people, as a couple, would make goals together and complete them together. She said the two people would support each other and be there for each other and you wouldn't have to nag or ask, and that's how you would know you were in the right place...

I always understood this logic, but I had never lived it. I had always nagged and I always had to beg for any attention at all. If I brought up goals, it brought up arguments, and they were my goals alone. Hindsight is 20/20, but I wish people would learn from my mistakes. I wish people would remember where I was, and see where I am now and be happy for me. I also wish people wouldn't so easily forget what I came from and how long I suffered being the doormat who tried to make a person love her for so long. It's a pathetic way to live, and that behavior is nothing less than unattractive (to men or women).

Now that what my mother was saying has clicked and makes perfect sense, I feel foolish for wasting so much time, but really "blessed" (not in the spiritual sense, but more than lucky) that everything happened as it did. If I would have attempted this relationship any earlier, it would have failed, I truly believe. I believe that everything for both of us outside of "us" needed to run it's course so that we could be completely alone in "us". It's been amazing, and back when I used to daydream of the perfect situation and my perfect life and exactly all that I wanted, I could have never guessed that one day I would really have it.

It's hard for me to not shout from the rooftops that I am ridiculously in love and the luckiest girl in the world, but when I even begin to mention my happiness, I can see the looks on my "friends" faces turn. It's funny how people would rather hear you complain about your life than ever hear about your happiness, unless they themselves are in your exact same situation. I guess I've been guilty of the same in the past (negative drama is always far more amusing than lovey stories), but I'm pretty positive I was a far better actress.

So for now, I'll keep to telling my boyfriend that I'm the luckiest girl for having him in my life, and telling this blog and my twitter which I keep mostly just for writing down my own thoughts for myself. Each day, something happens to reaffirm he is right when he says, "who cares? You won't have to worry and be upset about any of this when we move".

Passive aggressiveness is not something I ever warmed up to.

Looking forward to change and hope the change doesn't lead to losing friends in the process... I don't want to be seen as doing something wrong by being happy.

xoxo,
Rachael

That's A Wrap!

2009 is coming to an end. The end of the past 8 years have been pretty predictable and consistent for me. I spent the holidays with my family and with the ex's family (always making time for them like they were my own), I find myself slightly unhappy, wondering what the new year will bring, and always hoping it will get better if this new year insists on coming...

This year has broken the streak of predictability. One person has broken the streak of predictability... and also my streak of being unhappy and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I want the next year to be a continuation of this year. If it can be half as good as the last 7 months of my life have been, I would be completely content, but this being elated thing is truly amazing.

I remember in college when this new "habit" started... this new defense mechanism. It was like a big light bulb went off in my head and it was the first time I started thinking logically--with my head instead of just with my heart. It started when he and I started hanging out. There was an instant, intense and undeniable chemistry. We could laugh for hours and never wanted to take our hands off of each other... the timing was all wrong, but it was fun. Our little lust started turning for me, and as tough as I was trying to be and wanted to be, I could feel that I was starting to care. I was having fun when we weren't drunk or in a group or being intimate. I knew I needed to let him know so that we could end it before I got my feelings hurt, or figure out how to make something of it. He was extremely respectful when I told him how I was feeling, but as I said, the timing was wrong, and for the first time in my life, and possibly (and sadly) the only time, a guy was completely honest with me. He told me the timing wasn't right and that he had to figure some stuff out with someone else. Maybe it was b/c he was completely honest and up front with me, or maybe I was just finally old enough or experienced enough, but I took that "rejection" and turned off the feelings and moved on. Because of this instance, I learned/understood that if someone didn't want me, there was nothing I could do to change it, and I had to move along.

This defense mechanism worked in other instances with other guys, as well, and unfortunately continued working when he decided he wanted to give things a try with me. For years I held off because all I could remember was the rejection and I had turned off the feelings and even seemed to get rid of the memories of why I had those feelings to begin with. Selective memory became another staple in my life without my trying... He made himself a constant reminder in my life for the next few years, and I kept asking myself and my best friend, "What am I doing?" In those years that I wasn't with him. There were times where he would scare me with childish outbursts, and knowing that I'm emotional, as well, I was terrified of what a real relationship would mean with him.

I've finally gotten to find out, and apparently we even each other out. I am a completely different person with him-- a happy, mushy, thoughtful person who takes nothing (especially him) for granted, and takes the time to realize and appreciate where my life is.

Now the past 8 years of memories are blocked out... funny how that selective memory still kicks in. All I can remember are the holidays. I will surely miss spending some time with the ex's family. They were great people, and I plan on staying in touch with them... but I have a new second family to visit, and after meeting them, I felt almost more at home than I did in my own home (especially at that time-- 2009 had it's rough moments). After a long rough 8 years, everything has all of a sudden clicked in to place. I am so incredibly lucky, and I still find myself questioning if this is all real... I was so used to being disappointed...

Nowadays, the girls I talk to about their relationship problems or their recovering from some kind of damage left from an old relationship are confused. I no longer agree and add fuel to the fire of their negativity. I'm no longer advising them to expect the worst so they aren't too let down or surprised when they are lied to or cheated on. Instead, I tell them that it is completely possible to find the love of their lives-- and even more probable now that we're older-- and that amazing men actually do exist because I've found one.

At first, I was frightened at how dead on everything he said was. I was convinced he had my phone tapped and listened to every fight I had with my ex. He acted exactly how I'd imagined the man who actually cared about me and loved me would act... I'm just starting to get comfortable with the fact that this is real and this is actually my life. I truly couldn't be happier with the way everything in my life is going... I'm so in love and so incredibly happy... I can't wait for 2010... For the first time in my life, I'm actually so excited for the new year. I want them to keep coming.

xo,

Me