The West Memphis Three and Me

A mixed bag of emotions.  A mixed bag of really strange and wonderful and not so wonderful things all at once.  Just when you think the roller coaster is pulling into the station for it's last go-around, someone takes a hammer to the loose spikes on the rickety old thing and new passengers hop in the cars for another ride.

Most importantly, on Friday, August 18, 2011, the West Memphis 3 were released after spending half their lives-- 18 years-- behind bars.  If you don't know about the case, I highly suggest reading up on it at the very least, but also watching the Paradise Lost documentaries.  Those docs certainly changed my life.

Long ago, I caught the HBO original Paradise Lost documentary on late at night (insomnia was at an all time high back then).  I was probably sitting there in all black, maybe a Marilyn Manson t-shirt, heavy eye makeup, etc.  I was a little goth teenager in a small Southern Maryland town.  Even my own uncle (or drunkle as I like to refer to him) accused me of being a "devil-worshipper" which was completely bonkers since I didn't even believe in a devil!  Regardless, their story touched me because I identified with the accused on many levels, but realizing the power of a documentary changed my life.

I ended up going to school originally for photography, but once I took a video class, I was sold and never looked back.  From the moment I picked up a video camera, I was making mini-documentaries.  All of this was truly because of Bruce Sinofsky and Joe Berlinger's unique and deeply committed style of filmmaking and storytelling.  I was lucky enough to meet Bruce in a film class I took in college and proceeded to overload him with questions about Paradise Lost, the case, the teens accused, and the crazy stepfather character in the films.  I asked how he could possibly be so professional and keep his cool while uncovering injustice right and left.  Other students in my class looked at me like I had lost it (or snorted an eight ball of cocaine before class because of the speed of my questions), but they clearly hadn't seen the films or else there wouldn't have been one side-eye-- all eyes would have been locked in on the celebrity/hero that was sitting at the head of our classroom.

This case has held a special place in my heart for a long, long time.  I have never been so interested or sickened by a case...  The fact that these boys (I call them boys because they were when they were arrested, but they are pushing 40, now) are finally walking free makes me cry.  It hurts my heart to think about all of their lost time.  What awful things they had to endure for the past 18 years...  and the fact that they are on the streets walking free right now--  if anyone had any doubt that these boys actually murdered 3 children, there's NO WAY they would be free.  Thank christ for Peter Jackson (yes-- Lord of the Rings Peter Jackson) and his film partner who funded the defense in new forensic and DNA testing for the past 7 years which brought up enough evidence to prove the boys could in no way be linked to the murders.

I would do just about anything to hug them.  All three of them.

I cried as I watched them speak.  I cried again watching them walk out of prison-- Damien feeling sunlight on his skin for the first time in 10 years--  And I'll probably continue to cry for them as more and more information is released proving just how wrong Arkansas was for locking up these three innocent men.

I cry for the families of the victims, too.  It's hard to watch old footage of them screaming for death penalties and talking about how they would love to rip their faces off and murder the wrongly accused teens, but what other outlet did they have?  None--  Now, just so everyone knows, almost every parent of the victims (except the one who's DNA was found at the crime scene) says the WM3 are innocent and has asked their forgiveness...  That's saying something.

Anyway, this overshadows anything else going on in my life currently.  I'm certainly at another point after hitting my one year anniversary in Connecticut of re-thinking some things and re-evaluating where I want my life to be/go, but that's for another post.  Right now, my heart is full of love and hope for the WM3.

xo,
Rachael

Menopause at 28...

Sounds awesome, right?

This week I've been doubled over, crying, not sleeping, constantly nauseous, exhausted, sweating profusely (from being attached to a heating pad constantly), and holding or pressing on my stomach.  My endometriosis has resurfaced with a vengeance this week.  I suppose it's slowly been creeping back, but the pains I've been feeling this week have been unbearable.  I don't remember the cramps being this bad except during my first periods following my surgeries.  All the spots that had been lasered and scraped at start bleeding and it's obviously painful.  That's what it's felt like this week, but the hard part is, there's no light at the end of this tunnel this time.  I don't have months/years of less pain to look forward to because I haven't just had surgery.

For years I have been avoiding the drug called Lupron.  It has been used to help treat the symptoms of endometriosis by putting women into a reversible menopausal state (it is also used to treat men with advanced prostate cancer).  Along with not getting your cycle, you get the hot flashes, joint aches, bone loss, mood swings, etc. etc. etc.  All the fun stuff you hear women talk about when going through "the change".   My doctor in Baltimore wasn't a big fan of this option, either.  He knew it sounded as horrible as cramping from endometriosis can get...

I always said I would rather just manage the pain with medication for as long as I possibly could.  I have had some success with the surgeries, so I would prefer that I could take that route again.  My new doctor doesn't seem to think that's a good option unless I was ready to try to get pregnant in the next year (which obviously I'm not close to) since the surgery helps increase fertility.

After not sleeping last night, I had to call and make an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday.  I've spent most of the day upset, anxious and dreading the thought of having to take this treatment path.  It's horrible, but there are really very few options for endometriosis.  I cry any time I actually let myself think about getting the shots and what it might do to me and the new stresses my body will have to deal with, and more scary to me-- my mind.  I am pretty open and honest about my bouts with depression.  I've had problems with birth control in the past that made me more sensitive and moody and I hated life that way...  I can't imagine willingly singing up for something that may make me depressed and miserable...  and to have to go through it up here alone...  It's really hard.  It's not an option I'm wanting to choose, but I don't feel like I have a choice.

I guess I'll see what he has to say Wednesday...

xo,
Rachael

An (almost) Perfect Circle

On Wednesday night, Dan and I went to the Oakdale theater in Wallingford, CT to see A Perfect Circle.  The acoustics of this theater were absolutely beautiful.  It's smallish and there's not a bad seat in the house.  I was worried about being on the balcony level, but in hindsight, I'm thrilled we were.  People on the ground level were all standing.  Dan asked before we left, "it's all seated, right?"  I told him yes to which he replied, "Thank god.  Man, I guess that makes me sound old."  And I told him it's because we are old.  It's so nice to be seated at a show, nowadays.  When my sister and I saw RAMMS+EIN at Madison Square Garden, I was thrilled to be able to be sitting to see the spectacle.  You get to watch and listen and not worry about getting an elbow to the face, or being covered in hundreds of other people's sweat.  Of course, this depends on the band, the performance, the style of music and the venue, but for either bigger theatrics (like RAMMS+EIN) or slower, beautiful music (like A Perfect Circle), seats are fantastic.  (Note:  I would never be seated for, say, Every Time I Die, because something comes over me and I feel the need to bum-rush the stage and throw people around during the heaviness and energy that is ETID.)

The venue was perfect for displaying Maynard's angelic voice.  I was excited even during the insanely unlistenable opening act (all-girl japanese punk band called Red Bacteria Vacuum) because you could tell just how big the sound was going to be.  The SOUND did not disappoint.

Now, I've only seen A Perfect Circle one other time in DC when I was probably about 17.  The only album they had out at the time was their first album, Mer de Noms.  I was thrilled with that show because that's what they played.  It was exciting to hear Maynard live and to see him in person, playing the songs that I had grown to love and form many memories out of.  I know Maynard's reputation precedes him from his years with TOOL, and should know that he doesn't really care about making audiences happy, but I went in expecting to hear at least 3 songs for sure -  (a beautiful cover of John Lennon's) "Imagine" from their most recent album of mostly covers, "Weak and Powerless" from their second album, Thirteenth Step and finally, "3 Libras" from their first album.  That is PROBABLY my favorite of their songs, if I had to choose one.  Well, I was right about the first two, and I guess they did play "3 Libras"...  sort of.  They mashed it up into a remix that sounded like a totally different song, just using some of the same lyrics repeated over and over in an odd melody.  It was a big let-down.  I was really looking forward to hearing that song live and Maynard's voice would have been unbelievable singing that song in that venue, but alas, he could give a shit less about pleasing little old me...  And I respect that to an extent.  I mean, you CANNOT walk away upset because you were just in the presence of that voice. That music.  That magic.

They crushed "The Outsider"and "Pet," and pleasantly surprised me by playing, "The Noose" perfectly.  I guess in a dream world, my expensive APC tickets would have afforded me the luxury (and honor) of hearing "The Nurse Who Loved Me" and "Sleeping Beauty."  I wasn't a huge fan of the covers on their last album, so if they had replaced some of them in the line-up with either of those tunes, I would have been an extremely happy camper.

Regardless, the show was a pleasure.  I'm truly glad we went.  If you ever get the chance, I'd highly recommend seeing that man sing at least ONCE live in your lifetime.  It's quite amazing.  While arrogance is my number one biggest turn off, this guy's ego is pretty much warranted...  What can I say? When you're good, you're good...  He just happens to be brilliant.

xo,
Rachael

**Sidenote:  I never realized how many APC fans were massive nerds.  Not like gothy nerdy kids, but full-blown, WoW playing, never had sex with a real-life vagina before, NERDS.  Dan mentioned that a good percentage of them were overweight, as well.  It was an interesting collection of fans...  Definitely not what I'm used to, but then again, we're mostly at hardcore and punk shows with the skinny little snotty-nosed punk brats.  Ugh.  We're becoming the old people at shows, aren't we?  :-/

Tat-Two.

This weekend was stellar.  I felt so different this Sunday night vs. how I usually feel.  I, like most people, feel some sort of sadness/depression/anxiety that a new work week is about to start and that the next weekend is as far away as it can possibly be, yet this particular Sunday, I was so fulfilled by the weekend, that I was welcoming the upcoming week with open arms.  Excited for another day to come.

Friday night, Dan and I stayed in and relaxed.  Dan switched schedules with someone for the weekend, so he had to work a 24 hour shift Saturday (which frees him up for a wedding we're attending in Oct!).  When I found this out, I decided to contact my tattoo shop and see if they had any openings.  Both artists happened to have time for me, so I spent most of last week giddy like a child during the week prior to Christmas.

Me on the left, Chelsea on the right displaying her PERFECT TEETH.

Jenny and her green ribbon.

Saturday, I got up early and headed down to Seppuku Tattoo in Bloomingdale, NJ.  It's only around 2 hours away from me.  It's completely worth the drive to have these brilliant artists work on me AND to get to hang out with my wonderful gal, Chelsea.  God, had I missed her and her perfect smile.  Johnny Thief did a piece of Jenny from "The Green Ribbon" - a short story in the children's book In a Dark, Dark Room.  Long story short, Jenny grows up always wearing a green ribbon around her neck.  She'll never answer why.  Grows up, gets married, still keeps it a secret.  When she's on her deathbed, she finally asks her husband to remove the green ribbon and her head falls off.  WELL, my mom loves telling the story about how one day, when I was little, she came into the bathroom where my sister and I were happily playing in the tub with a green ribbon tied around her neck.  She says my eyes got as big as saucers.  She then kneeled down by the tub and removed the ribbon and flopped over behind the tub, so it looked, to me, that her head had fallen off.  I cried for quiet a while.  Since my mom finds this so funny (I do, too, truth be told), this was her payback.  :)  Johnny had no problem helping me get my mom back from the trauma that must've caused.

Miss Kitty.  RIP.

Once Jenny was all finished up, I headed over to Matt Lukesh's side of the studio and we geared up for my first portrait tattoo.  It's of my beautiful cat, Miss Kitty.  Matt is insanely amazing at portraits.  I had really only seen his portraits of people (which are incredible), but trusted that he would do a beautiful job capturing MK.  We bonded over a mutual love for Silence of the Lambs, and then after almost falling asleep during the outline, I kept trying to peek at the tattoo.  He mentioned a lot of people who get memorial tattoos wait until the very end so that it's a big reveal.  I decided to go with that idea, and boy...  I was blown away.  I cried looking in the mirror seeing the face of my baby, who seriously saved my life on more than one occasion, staring back at me.  I've missed her terribly, and it's so comforting to get to see her every day, now and to know that she's right there with me.  I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out.  I also couldn't be more impressed with Matt as a person.  Sweet, kind, smart, funny and insanely talented.  I highly recommend the shop.  It's totally worth the drive if you're on the East Coast.

These tattoos were both family monuments.  My entire family loved each of them and got a real kick out of Jenny.  Miss Kitty was like a family member to all of us, so we all enjoyed reminiscing after the portrait was done.  It was a warm fuzzy night for all of us filled with great memories.

I heard from a good friend over the weekend, also.  Just got a nice reminder that there's still people out there who "get it".  Who understand what supporting a friend is and how to do it without even being prompted!  There are some (few) people who are just going to be there for you your whole life and you never have to second guess it.  Even if you go months without speaking, you know, that if you need anything-- they are there.  I'm so much more appreciative of this quality than ever before.  I don't think I've ever taken that attribute in my friends for granted, but now it is, above all else, more important of a quality in a true friendship, I think.  With the distance geographically between me and my friends back home, it's important to know you still have a shoulder to lean on, even if they are 6 hours away.  So that definitely sprinkled even more happy onto my weekend.

Finally, Sunday came and I woke up to a very tired Dan getting home from work and a very sore me inching my way out of bed.  I took a shower, cleaned up the tattoos, cleaned the house and started cookin'.  We had Jordan, Johnny and little baby Eleanore over for steaks.  Jordan made the most delicious peach pie w/ pecan crumble on top (holy hell).  I informed her that I wanted to marry the pie, as if I needed her permission to have it's hand in marriage.  We were married in a quiet ceremony late last night...  Nothing has ever been sweeter than the perfect marriage between woman and pie (and vanilla frozen yogurt on top).  Mmmmmm...

Aside from the lingering headache I have from the whole 3 beers I consumed yesterday, I'm a happy gal.  I always feel like a reinvented person (always for the better) after a new tattoo.  The high of two new ones has me on cloud nine...  I think I'll stay a while.

xo,
Rachael

Finding Closure in Opening Up

My whole body keeps urging me to write.  I feel the need to communicate and pour so much onto a "page", but when I sit down to write, nothing solid comes out.  Right now, there are just fragments of what's been swimming around in my noggin' for the past week...

Bday flowers  from my work that perfectly
match my new bag

Since my birthday, I've been dealing with that whole loss thing a bit more, I've been to Maryland to see old friends and family, and I had a really nice week at work last week.  I was recognized for my efforts and the changes that I've had a hand in making since I started here (freelancing) a year ago next month.  That's putting last week very quick and simply.

It wasn't quick or simple, of course, because that's not how my life, my brain or my heart works.

While the good seriously outweighed the bad in the past couple weeks, the bad is still apparent.  I think it fell out of my face on Friday night since I was home talking to my mom and actually could discuss everything with someone who has seen my life from start to finish.  If anyone can sympathize and/or see it from the outside, it would be my mom (she's almost too brutally honest sometimes and will tell me the real deal even when it hurts).  I was hoping for some sort of insight or some hidden nugget of explanation that I somehow overlooked or missed over the last 5 months of reflection, but even she couldn't seem to understand what has happened since I moved.

So--I have really started the wheels in motion to move forward.  Maybe it was the talk with my mom and solidifying that there isn't any explanation, and there is no going anywhere (positive) from here--maybe that was the "closure" I needed, but I have made a few plans to go forth.  I'm making changes and I think they will all eventually be for the better.

With that under my belt, I slept very soundly last night.  The trip home was much needed.  It reenforced how important family, good friends (and cats) can be to a gal's mood and outlook.

Pete and Abbey

Dan and I both got a bit caught up by being surrounded by my parent's cats all weekend, so I've been looking into the best kinds of cats for people who are allergic.  I know it sounds silly to get something you're allergic to, but what a difference they make in your mood!  I think it's worth it...

Friends venturing out to the woods to see me at my parent's house makes me smile.  Big.  It was a wonderful weekend and just what I needed.  Can't wait for my next trip home.

xo,
Rachael

Love, Loss and Birthday Cake.

Birthdays, for me, have always just been an excuse to get all of my favorite people in the same location at the same time.  It's selfishly to make myself happy on the one day a year I give myself credit to be a brat (well, almost one day...).  A lot of my friends were in different cliques and I knew them all from different places.  One group were the kids I grew up with and all hailed from Southern Maryland.  I spent time with them from high school throughout college and beyond.  There's another group from Southern Maryland that even pre-dates high school.  They were my middle through college and beyond crew (with even a few elementary and one pre-school friend included).  These two groups were the easiest to blend since they all at least knew OF each other, if not each other directly, so they all were fast friends, once jumbled together.

Amazing corn soup @ firebox

The other groups included people I met later in life, for instance, strictly through college (which means, they saw me at my very worst times and still continued to be my friends--i.e.:  they deserve a medal) and my work friends.  The work friends are split into another two groups:  Production crew friends and ad agency friends.  The two rarely get a chance to mix, but because I have had the (awesome) position of being full-time at an ad agency, yet in the production department, I get to be a part of each side of the coin when it comes to producing spots for TV, etc.  They are very different kinds of people, but both equally awesome and fun.

Delicious fluke @ firebox

Birthdays to me became the one day a year, I got to have them all get together and mingle.  I was really spoiled last year because I had my birthday outing which was a nice mash-up of friends, but then my going away party a month later which packed in all sorts of people who have come in an out of my life, including family members, bosses, co-workers, and friends from each phase of my life thus far.

I guess that's partly why this birthday was so difficult.  I've never had a birthday in my adult life that I didn't spend with friends.  If you ask friends out for a drink or dinner for no reason, they have every excuse in the book as to why they can't make it, and it's perfectly acceptable.  If it's missing your birthday, they'd better try their best to make it and show they give a shit.  It's the adult version of getting a present for your birthday.  You know you have a friend.

When your friends fail to show up, however, you are reminded that things have changed and you will more than likely start comparing your life's path now with how it was a year ago.  It's tough to swallow, sometimes, but necessary to accept.

Meeting Snoogs for the 1st time on my bday

I've been talking about loss a lot lately and comparing the loss of some friendships to dealing with death.  You go through the same exact grieving process.  I mean- to a tee.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance.  Here's the thing:  If you're anything like me, you're hyper-aware of what is happening either during it or directly after, and you work hard to make that whole "acceptance" stage come as quickly as possible, and/or at least last.  Some people, however, since they aren't actually DEAD (this sounds bad), keep rearing their ugly heads into your life.  They acknowledge their shitty friendship tendencies and swear, for the 11th time, that things will be different moving forward.  So, you, being the doormat that you are (and thirsty for friendship), say "Okay...  I really hope so..."  And you wait.  You send them presents or messages just because (because that's what friends at least USED to do), and you get no response...  slowly, the grieving process begins all over again, and it becomes a never-ending cycle.

I have to come to terms with the fact that not everyone (or anyone) is as aware of their actions as I am.  I'm hyper-sensitive to what vibes I'm putting out, how I'm treating people, how I react to situations and how everyone else reacts to me, etc.  Not everyone is as neurotic, so some people genuinely have no idea that they're affecting you.  That's when you learn that you have to be blunt, honest and open.  If you don't tell someone that their actions are hurting you, then they will forever say, "how was I supposed to know?"  Now there are no excuses.  People know what they're doing and what effect it has had on me.

Flowers from my wonderful cousin

It's been depressing because along with honesty comes the responsibility of having to deal with whatever response you're going to hear in return.  Unfortunately, I didn't really expect the "deal with it" response, so I've been having almost more trouble with that one than the repeat offenders.

My mom used to always say that when I was in middle school I would have hundreds of friends, high school, a good amount, college, I'd have 10-20 close friends, and in my adult life, I could count my good friends on one hand.  She was, of course, right.  I just didn't expect the friends I could count on one hand to be who they've turned out to be.  I am grateful each day for those friends and they all made me feel very special on my birthday, and continue to do so throughout the year... you know, like real friends do.

Bday bracelet from Dan

I must also include that I'm extra lucky for having a best friend that happens to be my other half.  He went above and beyond to make me feel special and loved this birthday (and every single day).  I got my entire extensive summer reading list, some purdy jewelry, a nice big new salad spinner (YES!!), some ice tea accessories (too hard to explain), an amazing dinner at Firebox in Hartford (a YUMMY restaurant I've been dying to try) and most importantly, a NEW MIX CD!

So cheers to you, real friends.  Cheers to keeping in touch, helping each other through the tough times and being there to celebrate the great times for yet another year.  :-D

xo,
Rachael

P.S.  All photos from this post were taken on my birthday.

Fireworks

My attempt at light painting "Love <3"

fireworks - plural of fire·work (Noun)
1. A device containing gunpowder and other combustible chemicals that causes a spectacular explosion when ignited, used typically for display or in celebrations.
2. A display of fireworks.

Let's see.  "Spectacular explosion" pretty much sums up a couple of moments I've had in the past month.  Not all of them were spectacular in the traditional sense, but all of them have had pretty spectacular endings.  I've been working through some tough times while trying my very best to keep a positive outlook.  It's the whole keeping things in and how toxic that can ultimately be.  I'm usually very good about being open and honest with how I'm feeling, and mostly am except for certain topics that I think, as women, we are trained and taught not to discuss.

Dan's "LOVE"

How many times have you heard "the best way to scare off a guy is to bring up the "M" word"?  Or "want a guy to run?  Mention having kids someday."  What's scary is that when we actually reach the point in our lives where kids and marriage become more realistic possibilities, we should not still be sitting and nodding quietly when the topics are brought up.  I got a much deserved slap on the wrist when these topics recently came up with the man I'm planning my future with.  I've always been silent when it comes to those things, no matter what I'm actually thinking or wanting, because I was always told it would it would be something no one would ever want to hear if they were lacking a vagina.  On top of that, I used to surround myself with women who pressured (to put it nicely) their (now) husbands to propose.  After spending a good amount of time with those ladies, I decided it was probably why the divorce rate is as high as it is, and that I wanted to be the complete opposite of them.  I guess instead of talking about it with each breath, I took the complete opposite stand and never let the ideas pass my lips.

As Dan put it, talking about the future is a nice thing like when children talk about their dream jobs or anyone talks about their dream home...  it's okay to dream a little and think about what the future holds (even if it's terrifying like marriage or children).

R+D in a heart...  sorta.  :)

Anyhoo, the lesson learned is that to diminish fireworks in the future, always be open and honest, and even when you slip up and let all those frustrations build up and you combust, at least appreciate when you have someone spectacular to help you put the pieces back together...  I certainly do...

There will be ups and downs, but at long as we are with people we can share both with, I think we'll all be okay.

xoxo,
Rachael

P.S.  As far as our fourth, it was low-key.  Lovely day full of bbq, swimming, a bonfire and fireworks.  I also took the opportunity to do some light paintings with our sparklers.  Cheers!