I've been toying around with this entry for about 2 weeks. It started out incredibly negative and full of anger. The second draft was less angry, more introspective. This draft is one I'm contemplating not even publishing because I'm feeling kind of over it, but here it goes...
Basically, long story short(er), 2011 was a tough year for me filled with a lot of loss and grieving over losing old friends and acceptance, then I'd get a glimmer of hope, then the cycle began all over again. By the end of 2011, I had gotten myself in a pretty good spot as far as friendships were concerned. As cliche as it sounds, I knew who my true friends were and I was okay with it. Hell, I was more than okay with it- I'm more grateful than ever for the incredible few people who stuck by me through my move- those people who were there for me when I needed friends the absolute most. THRILLED to have them in my life.
I don't really make New Year's resolutions. There are lifelong goals and things I'm constantly working on and I set them throughout the year, but they aren't so much "resolutions". There are challenges that crop up and I deal with and there are decisions I make to better things for myself and I work towards them. Last year, I had to work really hard on letting go of people that were very important to me. It took literally all year to make this happen...
This isn't the first time I have been used up and put in a position where I am forced to "clean house" and cut out people who are doing more harm to me than good. I've had a couple other phases I can recall where I had to step back and say, "holy shit. This person is really hurting me" and block them out. It was really hard the first time because I used to be a total doormat and a sucker for those in need (emotionally wrecked people). Those types of people will take and take and take until you tell them to go fuck themselves. It became easier the second and third time because once I realize what's happening and that someone is using me, I'm out. Usually. It depends on the relationship I have with the people, I suppose.
In 2011, I was forced into a lot of new situations that were scary and tough because of my move. One of those situations was to actually ask for help. To reach out to friends, family and acquaintances for help because I was alone and scared and needed support. That alone was hard for me to do. I'm stubborn and independent and want to be able to take care of myself, but I couldn't last winter. Or spring. I needed help and asked for it for maybe the first time ever, and the people I counted on the most couldn't be there for me. People I have been there for numerous times and have put myself through the ringer for couldn't be bothered.
It's been a very painful process to come to this realization, but a necessary one. It was one of those (unfortunate) goals that popped up last year that I resolved to resolve. It became my number one 2011 resolution.
That's why when one of those people decide that their 2012 resolution is going to be trying to repair their being absent and living in their own selfish world for the past few years, it becomes painful all over again. "Too little too late" doesn't begin to explain how I feel on the situation, but it's nice, simple and to the point. What once was a gaping open sore that had the scab picked at for an entire year finally healed over and became a scar. A scar which reminds me when I happen to see it not to make the same mistakes. I've gone to great lengths to not have to see that scar daily. I've done all that I can without completely cutting ties so that I keep my sanity. It's been great for me and really key in helping me move forward. It's how I was able to get to the healthy place I am, now.
I intend on keeping my momentum moving forward. This week has been so healing. I overcame many incredible challenges at work, began a new yoga class, got some time with friends, and I've been inspired and feel rejuvenated. I'm feeling confident and proud of myself for all of my hard work emotionally and professionally I've done in the past year. I'm not going to let someone else's resolution get in the way of all of my hard work. The sad part about it all is that because of the absence and complete lack of interest in my well-being over the past year, they have zero idea where my life is and how I've gotten here. It's a real shame, but "how are you doing?" and "what's new?" have been too hard to ask in the past year, so why would it start now?
Hopefully my 2012 resolutions will end up being a bit more positive to report on next year. I am feeling incredibly optimistic tonight after a great week. I will continue to accomplish goals and surround myself with positive people who support me, and that will ensure things only go up from here.
xo,
Rachael
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Friday, January 20, 2012
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
A Few Reasons to Miss Maryland:
I have been spoiled rotten lately with all the friend-filled weekends I've been having. This weekend was no exception. The weekend was jam-packed wall-to-wall with friends AND it was a long weekend, so that made it extra exciting! Friday night, I drove down to Baltimore with Dan as my co-pilot and DJ. He made the road trip fun and hilarious, as always. It was a smooth drive for the most part and we made no stops outside of CT. Straight on through to Emily and Jeremy's in record time.
Jeremy greeted us in his PJs and we caught up quickly before settling into bed and having a laugh session that was so intense, I got to that point of silent laughing (because I can't breathe) and tears streaming down both sides of my face. Something about putting my finger in Dan's ass and "Urethra Franklin?" I blame it on being delirious from the insane work week, lack of sleep because of the insane work week, and the 5.5 hours of driving.
In the AM, we were promptly greeted by Vegeta (Em and J's friendly and vocal cat) and tons of squeezes from Emily. It was fucking great. I talk to Emily every day, so it pains me that we don't get to physically be together that often anymore for the great hugs, happy hours, fashion shows, or just the exchange of laughter between the two of us. God damn do I miss it, and I really had no idea just how much until returning home and going through all of my pictures from the time spent there (I got a bit depressed, but I'll get to that later). We had such a good time. Sarah came over and brought her precious little Luke Marley who was so chill and sweet and I didn't want to let go of when he fell asleep on me right before heading home. Come ON!
After grilling, we just hung out and chatted and got ready for the evening. We headed to Hamilton Tavern for pre-dinner drinks. It was as cute as I was expecting and we had dinner at Clementine (FINALLY). Em and J started by ordering the charcuterie plate (of the day) that was to die for. The sausage was insane. Hands down the best I've ever had. It was accompanied by a dijon cheese and a chicken liver pate that had brown sugar in it. The mix of sweet, salty and savory was PERFECT. I had the meatloaf, and it was so delicious, and of course, Em and I killed two bottles of red. Since that wasn't enough, we headed back to Hamilton Tavern for a nightcap. I had such a great time. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. It was non-stop chatter and laughing. I couldn't have asked for a better night. We headed home full and happy and buzzed and I spent the next hour teaching Emily how to do a time step (a tap step *HOP-STEP-SHILLACK-BALL-CHANGE*). We did this on her porch for at least 40 minutes, then took it inside.
They were perfect hosts, and perfect friends and I miss them already.
Sunday, however, we had morning coffee and split an english muffin, recounted our evening, showered and headed out. I must've hugged Emily 5 times before leaving. Gah.
We headed to the mall. I brought a dress that I adore, but is really big on me. This is one of many in my closet that I can't really wear because they don't fit properly. I need a tailor. If the bottom of a dress fits me (and is fitted snug on my body), then chances are the top does not. My body is not proportionate. I don't have big jugs to go with my big ass, hips and thighs. I've grown to appreciate my curves a bit more with the help of Christina Hendricks (Joan Holloway), but she has the top half to match the bottom half... Anyhoo, I found a new dress that fit a bit better, we had lunch and headed to our hotel to check in.
We made our way to Patrick and Nikki's wedding which ended up being a total blast. I saw people there I hadn't seen in months, like Mr. Don Boots (who, by the way, DRINKS now. Yeah. That was different), and people I hadn't seen in YEARS, like my old bosses from Mission Media. They were thrilled to see me and we laughed and caught up like no time had passed.
I traded my sky-high strappy wedges for my chucks right after the ceremony. The wedding was beautiful and every detail was perfectly executed. We danced a lot.
The weekend really made me miss Maryland for the first time in a long time. A lot of what I considered "home" about Maryland has changed so much since I left, but clearly, after that weekend, I knew there was still a lot there that was very "me" and very "home".
Dan and I made our way back to CT Monday, and aside from some incredibly uncomfortable cramping, the trip went smoothly. Unfortunately, the moment I drove back into the state, I got a bit depressed. Our apartment and anywhere I am with Dan is home for me. That's easy and simply true, but there's so much about Connecticut that hasn't been easy... and there's so much about Maryland that is/was so effortless. I know it isn't fair to compare a place that I grew up in with a place I've only lived a little over a year, but it's more about the vibes, the people, the connections... or lack thereof.
I know once Dan finishes his residency, we'll find a place that can be that effortless for both of us. I still sometimes secretly hope that by the time his residency is over, I'll be in love with the state and have a ton of great friends and love my job and want to put roots down here... but it's unfortunately not looking so great... I guess deep down I know how much Dan loves it here since he wanted so badly to come back, so I hope I'll fall in love with it too. I want him to be happy more than I give a shit about my happiness, but at the same time, there has to be some sort of a balance. It can't be all great for one and all awful for the other. There's got to be some positives in my life... I just haven't found them here in CT, yet.
I'm struggling with not having something to look forward to... although maybe I should make the end of Dan's residency my something to look forward to? It's farther off than my usual little goals of happiness are, but I've got to start looking forward to something. Looking ahead. My happiness has seemed to be falling with the leaves, lately and getting through each day is as far as I can look ahead. As we all know, when it rains, it pours, and it's been getting a bit damp around here, lately.
I'll leave it at that for now, as I could run on all day about the "what ifs" and "should'ves"...
For now, thank you, Maryland, for another wonderful weekend.
xo,
Rachael
Jeremy greeted us in his PJs and we caught up quickly before settling into bed and having a laugh session that was so intense, I got to that point of silent laughing (because I can't breathe) and tears streaming down both sides of my face. Something about putting my finger in Dan's ass and "Urethra Franklin?" I blame it on being delirious from the insane work week, lack of sleep because of the insane work week, and the 5.5 hours of driving.
In the AM, we were promptly greeted by Vegeta (Em and J's friendly and vocal cat) and tons of squeezes from Emily. It was fucking great. I talk to Emily every day, so it pains me that we don't get to physically be together that often anymore for the great hugs, happy hours, fashion shows, or just the exchange of laughter between the two of us. God damn do I miss it, and I really had no idea just how much until returning home and going through all of my pictures from the time spent there (I got a bit depressed, but I'll get to that later). We had such a good time. Sarah came over and brought her precious little Luke Marley who was so chill and sweet and I didn't want to let go of when he fell asleep on me right before heading home. Come ON!
After grilling, we just hung out and chatted and got ready for the evening. We headed to Hamilton Tavern for pre-dinner drinks. It was as cute as I was expecting and we had dinner at Clementine (FINALLY). Em and J started by ordering the charcuterie plate (of the day) that was to die for. The sausage was insane. Hands down the best I've ever had. It was accompanied by a dijon cheese and a chicken liver pate that had brown sugar in it. The mix of sweet, salty and savory was PERFECT. I had the meatloaf, and it was so delicious, and of course, Em and I killed two bottles of red. Since that wasn't enough, we headed back to Hamilton Tavern for a nightcap. I had such a great time. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. It was non-stop chatter and laughing. I couldn't have asked for a better night. We headed home full and happy and buzzed and I spent the next hour teaching Emily how to do a time step (a tap step *HOP-STEP-SHILLACK-BALL-CHANGE*). We did this on her porch for at least 40 minutes, then took it inside.
 |
| Love My Carpet?? |
They were perfect hosts, and perfect friends and I miss them already.
Sunday, however, we had morning coffee and split an english muffin, recounted our evening, showered and headed out. I must've hugged Emily 5 times before leaving. Gah.
We headed to the mall. I brought a dress that I adore, but is really big on me. This is one of many in my closet that I can't really wear because they don't fit properly. I need a tailor. If the bottom of a dress fits me (and is fitted snug on my body), then chances are the top does not. My body is not proportionate. I don't have big jugs to go with my big ass, hips and thighs. I've grown to appreciate my curves a bit more with the help of Christina Hendricks (Joan Holloway), but she has the top half to match the bottom half... Anyhoo, I found a new dress that fit a bit better, we had lunch and headed to our hotel to check in.
We made our way to Patrick and Nikki's wedding which ended up being a total blast. I saw people there I hadn't seen in months, like Mr. Don Boots (who, by the way, DRINKS now. Yeah. That was different), and people I hadn't seen in YEARS, like my old bosses from Mission Media. They were thrilled to see me and we laughed and caught up like no time had passed.
 |
| Custom weddin' shoes. Golden Girls approved. |
 |
| Yeah, so THIS happens, now... |
 |
| One of my favorite pics ever taken. |
 |
| Lighting our way out of the drive. |
I know once Dan finishes his residency, we'll find a place that can be that effortless for both of us. I still sometimes secretly hope that by the time his residency is over, I'll be in love with the state and have a ton of great friends and love my job and want to put roots down here... but it's unfortunately not looking so great... I guess deep down I know how much Dan loves it here since he wanted so badly to come back, so I hope I'll fall in love with it too. I want him to be happy more than I give a shit about my happiness, but at the same time, there has to be some sort of a balance. It can't be all great for one and all awful for the other. There's got to be some positives in my life... I just haven't found them here in CT, yet.
I'm struggling with not having something to look forward to... although maybe I should make the end of Dan's residency my something to look forward to? It's farther off than my usual little goals of happiness are, but I've got to start looking forward to something. Looking ahead. My happiness has seemed to be falling with the leaves, lately and getting through each day is as far as I can look ahead. As we all know, when it rains, it pours, and it's been getting a bit damp around here, lately.
I'll leave it at that for now, as I could run on all day about the "what ifs" and "should'ves"...
For now, thank you, Maryland, for another wonderful weekend.
xo,
Rachael
Monday, September 26, 2011
Last Week in Review
Time for an update, I suppose. I'm not feeling particularly poetic or insightful, but I feel like it's been too long since my last post, so here's what's new:
- I'm slowly recovering from surgery. I went to my post-op and the doc had a feeling I might have had a little infection, or something, that had caused the healing process to take it's time. He gave me an anti-biotic and I think it's finally starting to help.
- Last weekend, Steve and Jess came to visit. We only really got to hang out Saturday, but boy, did we squeeze every minute out of it. Jess and I were up til 7am Sunday morning chatting it up. We had an amazing dinner at Barcelona and it was so nice to have familiar faces in our home.
- This week, Dan and I were like honeymooners. I don't know what got into us, but it was all romance, cutesy giggling back and forth, tickling each other, sappy notes showing up in our cars or little presents waiting for each other when we got home. Just stupid crazy lovey dovey-ness. It's been amazing, not that it isn't always, but it's just been a notch further in the gross sappiness.
Our weekend was no exception. We ended up going to a great show on Saturday. We saw a great little band called Heavy Breath and a fun band called Hostage Calm (Their song "Ballots/Stones was on my bday mix cd Dan made me and you can listen to here.) in a sweet little spot called "The Space" in Hamden. The energy of the show was intense. It was pretty nuts and fun to watch. I didn't realize how much you use your abs to block people from flying into you while standing on the inside ring of the pit... Not smart being 2 weeks out from surgery and having incisions still pretty fresh...
It was also a blinding reminder that I'm too old for that shit. Unfortunately, a lot of these up and coming hardcore bands Dan finds only play these shitty "all-ages" venues. No bars/clubs... It's kind of a pain in the ass. There are rarely seats, sometimes no AC, tons of children (17 and younger... Like pre-pubescent younger) and very rarely alcohol. This venue was better in the way that it had a bar across the parking lot that was affiliated. They too had live music and ended up being a pretty chill spot that I would visit again. The actual show, however, was filled with these teeny boppers wearing ballerina flats and thrift store outfits being loud and obnoxious. It's hard to be around when you're 28. It's easy for me to remember how irritating I was at their age. A few years ago, I found a VHS of me from high school and was left cringing after viewing. I couldn't stand being around the teenaged me, now, and it's no different with these kids.
It's great that they have a place to go and get to absorb so much live music, but it's hard to go from seeing shows at badass venues and Baltimore and DC to these holes in the wall (though Bmore had some of these venues popping up, as well, that ended up getting annoying pretty quickly). It's just this movement and this generation. It's different. I was telling Dan how I remember growing up, the band members were always way older than me. Now, they're all way younger. Our generation were lazy or something. There was never a time where the band members were my age. Wtf?
- The most important thing that's happened since my last post was that a good friend of mine found out his 4 year old daughter has leukemia. It's terrifying and tragic. I hate that I can't be there with him and his daughter, but a flight out to Tennessee isn't cheap on such short notice, and I could only do a weekend since I have zero time left to take from work. It's been weighing on me heavily because I feel so helpless. I can't imagine what he must be feeling. We talk every day, but I know there's a lot he's holding in to be strong for her (and himself). He's basically doing this alone and it's heartbreaking. I set up a site for him at The Caring Bridge which is a great free organization that makes blogging/progress reporting/photo uploading and guestbook signing super easy for anyone going through any tough illness. It's a nice way to keep in touch and keep loved ones informed without having to put forth much energy. it's also nice to be able to write her notes directly just to brighten her day and let her know people are thinking of her. The whole thing is so painful. I wish there was more I could do.
On that note, I'm going to dive into this crazy busy week. Hopefully I'll somehow end up being productive.
xo,
Rachael
- I'm slowly recovering from surgery. I went to my post-op and the doc had a feeling I might have had a little infection, or something, that had caused the healing process to take it's time. He gave me an anti-biotic and I think it's finally starting to help.
- Last weekend, Steve and Jess came to visit. We only really got to hang out Saturday, but boy, did we squeeze every minute out of it. Jess and I were up til 7am Sunday morning chatting it up. We had an amazing dinner at Barcelona and it was so nice to have familiar faces in our home.
- This week, Dan and I were like honeymooners. I don't know what got into us, but it was all romance, cutesy giggling back and forth, tickling each other, sappy notes showing up in our cars or little presents waiting for each other when we got home. Just stupid crazy lovey dovey-ness. It's been amazing, not that it isn't always, but it's just been a notch further in the gross sappiness.
It was also a blinding reminder that I'm too old for that shit. Unfortunately, a lot of these up and coming hardcore bands Dan finds only play these shitty "all-ages" venues. No bars/clubs... It's kind of a pain in the ass. There are rarely seats, sometimes no AC, tons of children (17 and younger... Like pre-pubescent younger) and very rarely alcohol. This venue was better in the way that it had a bar across the parking lot that was affiliated. They too had live music and ended up being a pretty chill spot that I would visit again. The actual show, however, was filled with these teeny boppers wearing ballerina flats and thrift store outfits being loud and obnoxious. It's hard to be around when you're 28. It's easy for me to remember how irritating I was at their age. A few years ago, I found a VHS of me from high school and was left cringing after viewing. I couldn't stand being around the teenaged me, now, and it's no different with these kids.
It's great that they have a place to go and get to absorb so much live music, but it's hard to go from seeing shows at badass venues and Baltimore and DC to these holes in the wall (though Bmore had some of these venues popping up, as well, that ended up getting annoying pretty quickly). It's just this movement and this generation. It's different. I was telling Dan how I remember growing up, the band members were always way older than me. Now, they're all way younger. Our generation were lazy or something. There was never a time where the band members were my age. Wtf?
- The most important thing that's happened since my last post was that a good friend of mine found out his 4 year old daughter has leukemia. It's terrifying and tragic. I hate that I can't be there with him and his daughter, but a flight out to Tennessee isn't cheap on such short notice, and I could only do a weekend since I have zero time left to take from work. It's been weighing on me heavily because I feel so helpless. I can't imagine what he must be feeling. We talk every day, but I know there's a lot he's holding in to be strong for her (and himself). He's basically doing this alone and it's heartbreaking. I set up a site for him at The Caring Bridge which is a great free organization that makes blogging/progress reporting/photo uploading and guestbook signing super easy for anyone going through any tough illness. It's a nice way to keep in touch and keep loved ones informed without having to put forth much energy. it's also nice to be able to write her notes directly just to brighten her day and let her know people are thinking of her. The whole thing is so painful. I wish there was more I could do.
On that note, I'm going to dive into this crazy busy week. Hopefully I'll somehow end up being productive.
xo,
Rachael
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
New Favorite Holiday
The most important and noticeable difference in all of us is our level of happiness. The last time I saw Kevin was before I moved from Bmore, and John and Jess I've seen since then, but only quickly and out at loud clamoring bars. Eli came to visit us right after we had moved to Hartford, but we were still quite frazzled and definitely not as happy/comfortable as we are now in our lives. The same can be said for everyone else in their situations the last time we were together. No one was unhappy, per say, but we were all still working on getting there. Our priorities have definitely changed and we have all focused on that. John and Jess have since moved in together in Annapolis, Eli is dating and engaged to a lovely gal (from what I have heard) and Kevin is loving his work. Everyone had these borderline-goofy smiles all weekend like we were drunk off how content we all are. It was a nice positive vibe going around that we all shared. It's a welcomed rarity.
The only thing that could have made the weekend better was if Adina, Emily and Neal were also up, along with my family. It's always nice to see Dan's huge supportive family and family friends, but it definitely makes me miss mine. The Labor Day party (25 years strong) will hopefully become a tradition not only for our newest guests, but someday maybe my family, as well. I've been a part of 3 Labor Day parties so far and each time has been such a great time. It reminds me of how Oktoberfest at the Maryland fairgrounds used to be for me. It was always a given that the day would be amazing no matter who was in attendance or what the weather forecast was looking like. It hasn't failed, yet, and neither has Labor Day. (All Labor Day pics can be found here.)
In other news, I'm gearing up for my surgery. No Lupron/reversible menopause!! The docs decided surgery and an IUD was the best prescription this go-around, so we'll see how that works out. I've had a really rough pain day today and was supposed to have our second Endo-Connect meeting with the gals tonight. I was completely ready to go all day, but the longer the day went on, the more I questioned if I would be able to make it. The drive home from work is where I really started questioning attending, and by the time I had made it to CVS to deal with the beastly pharmacist who was clearly having a worse day than mine (but with far worse coping skills than me), I was unable to motivate myself to do anything more than lay in bed, sandwiched between my two heating pads, crying in a dark room. I called Julie to apologize for having to miss our date and to pass along my apologies to the other gals, but that if anyone could understand not being able to make an engagement because of pain, it would probably be those gals. They all followed up to make sure I was okay and to tell me they were sorry I wasn't feeling well. They also offered to help nurse me back to health after surgery if I needed help, but my mama will actually be coming up to take care of me.
The next time I blog, I'll probably have a frankentummy. Til then...
xo,
Rachael
Monday, August 29, 2011
False Optimism No Longer a Positive
Again, I'm having this urge to write, but nothing solid to put down. I'll start here--
Emily and I got these Q&A A Day books where there is a question each day for a year, and the page has 5 slots to answer per question. The book lasts for 5 years so you can go back and compare how your life has changed with each question answered each year.
August 24th's question is:
"Write your recipe for creativity."
My answer:
"Depression/worry/motivation for change seem to fuel creativity for me. Music, writing and collaboration of ideas can also inspire creativity."
My urge to create/write/draw, etc. usually comes on strongest when I'm feeling low. There is a fine line, however, between feeling low and motivated/artistic and feeling low and only wanting to be laying in a dark room doing nothing... Lately I've been finding myself in the latter category besides occasionally writing.
Because of the "theme" of the blog, I usually try to keep my negative blogs to myself, but I'm pretty much done with the fake optimism. Like I said two posts ago, I'm kind of tired of keeping my chin up. I've had to be so strong for so long (a year) on my own, and I'm exhausted. That's the best way I can put it. I'm emotionally exhausted.
I feel like I've half been lying to myself by saying that I'm so happy and everything is working itself out up here when it really isn't. Everything between Dan and I is great. Better than ever, really (aside from our future being put on hold, currently), but everything else is not okay.
I'm not okay with no one coming to visit me or see where the fuck I live, now. I'm not okay with my family not visiting me or my "friends" not even attempting to make plans with me. It's been a fucking year. It's as if they don't realize that I can see facebook and watch their lives play out in photos and status updates talking about all of the other trips they somehow found time to take and all of the other plans and friends they put effort towards. First it's money, then it's a car being out of order or a house problem or lord knows what else... Why do I keep trying?
It shocks me on many levels to think that all of these people have zero interest in how I'm doing up here, especially after what I've gone through for/with some of them. It's like a joke.
And maybe the reason I haven't been able to find new friends up here isn't because they have nothing in common with me. Maybe it's because I took on this new outlook on life-- this lie to yourself and pretend you're positive and happy as much as you possibly can, until someday, hopefully, you start to believe it. I never tried that way of thinking before and I seemed to get on with life fine. I wasn't always happy, but I'm not now either. Maybe that way of thinking is what I needed to get me through the first hump of moving-- before I really knew I had lost so much back home.
Now, I need to see clearly and I need to be honest. It isn't pessimism, it's honesty. I can't lie to myself any longer. People upset me. I've had to take Xanax for actual anxiety attacks, not just insomnia, more and more frequently. It's all really due to not dealing an denying and pretending.
I can't change others. I can't change the fact that I had shitty friends to begin with before I left Baltimore, and that I couldn't see they were shitty until I did leave. Come to think of it, they were shitty then, too. People are users. They will use you up until you're dry if you let them. Or, you find out the hard way like when it's your time to be in need, and you see that there's no one there. Especially not the ones who seemed to need you the most.
But I can change me, and I need to get back to being myself. I need to get back to being honest above all else. I do have positives in my life, but they are real and not fabricated. I have Dan and I have friends that aren't too far away. I need to focus on them and let go of the rest. It's hard, and I will more than likely need to seek out therapy to work my way through it all. I don't know what the future holds, but I know it's not going to be fulfilling if I'm faking my way through it...
I'm not forcing the glass to be anything, anymore... This is just where I am, currently. Forcing myself to be honest. Forcing myself to live in the moment. Forcing reality.
Here goes nothin'...
xo,
Rachael
Emily and I got these Q&A A Day books where there is a question each day for a year, and the page has 5 slots to answer per question. The book lasts for 5 years so you can go back and compare how your life has changed with each question answered each year.
August 24th's question is:
"Write your recipe for creativity."
My answer:
"Depression/worry/motivation for change seem to fuel creativity for me. Music, writing and collaboration of ideas can also inspire creativity."
My urge to create/write/draw, etc. usually comes on strongest when I'm feeling low. There is a fine line, however, between feeling low and motivated/artistic and feeling low and only wanting to be laying in a dark room doing nothing... Lately I've been finding myself in the latter category besides occasionally writing.
Because of the "theme" of the blog, I usually try to keep my negative blogs to myself, but I'm pretty much done with the fake optimism. Like I said two posts ago, I'm kind of tired of keeping my chin up. I've had to be so strong for so long (a year) on my own, and I'm exhausted. That's the best way I can put it. I'm emotionally exhausted.
I feel like I've half been lying to myself by saying that I'm so happy and everything is working itself out up here when it really isn't. Everything between Dan and I is great. Better than ever, really (aside from our future being put on hold, currently), but everything else is not okay.
I'm not okay with no one coming to visit me or see where the fuck I live, now. I'm not okay with my family not visiting me or my "friends" not even attempting to make plans with me. It's been a fucking year. It's as if they don't realize that I can see facebook and watch their lives play out in photos and status updates talking about all of the other trips they somehow found time to take and all of the other plans and friends they put effort towards. First it's money, then it's a car being out of order or a house problem or lord knows what else... Why do I keep trying?
It shocks me on many levels to think that all of these people have zero interest in how I'm doing up here, especially after what I've gone through for/with some of them. It's like a joke.
And maybe the reason I haven't been able to find new friends up here isn't because they have nothing in common with me. Maybe it's because I took on this new outlook on life-- this lie to yourself and pretend you're positive and happy as much as you possibly can, until someday, hopefully, you start to believe it. I never tried that way of thinking before and I seemed to get on with life fine. I wasn't always happy, but I'm not now either. Maybe that way of thinking is what I needed to get me through the first hump of moving-- before I really knew I had lost so much back home.
Now, I need to see clearly and I need to be honest. It isn't pessimism, it's honesty. I can't lie to myself any longer. People upset me. I've had to take Xanax for actual anxiety attacks, not just insomnia, more and more frequently. It's all really due to not dealing an denying and pretending.
I can't change others. I can't change the fact that I had shitty friends to begin with before I left Baltimore, and that I couldn't see they were shitty until I did leave. Come to think of it, they were shitty then, too. People are users. They will use you up until you're dry if you let them. Or, you find out the hard way like when it's your time to be in need, and you see that there's no one there. Especially not the ones who seemed to need you the most.
But I can change me, and I need to get back to being myself. I need to get back to being honest above all else. I do have positives in my life, but they are real and not fabricated. I have Dan and I have friends that aren't too far away. I need to focus on them and let go of the rest. It's hard, and I will more than likely need to seek out therapy to work my way through it all. I don't know what the future holds, but I know it's not going to be fulfilling if I'm faking my way through it...
I'm not forcing the glass to be anything, anymore... This is just where I am, currently. Forcing myself to be honest. Forcing myself to live in the moment. Forcing reality.
Here goes nothin'...
xo,
Rachael
Monday, August 1, 2011
Tat-Two.
This weekend was stellar. I felt so different this Sunday night vs. how I usually feel. I, like most people, feel some sort of sadness/depression/anxiety that a new work week is about to start and that the next weekend is as far away as it can possibly be, yet this particular Sunday, I was so fulfilled by the weekend, that I was welcoming the upcoming week with open arms. Excited for another day to come.
Friday night, Dan and I stayed in and relaxed. Dan switched schedules with someone for the weekend, so he had to work a 24 hour shift Saturday (which frees him up for a wedding we're attending in Oct!). When I found this out, I decided to contact my tattoo shop and see if they had any openings. Both artists happened to have time for me, so I spent most of last week giddy like a child during the week prior to Christmas.
Saturday, I got up early and headed down to Seppuku Tattoo in Bloomingdale, NJ. It's only around 2 hours away from me. It's completely worth the drive to have these brilliant artists work on me AND to get to hang out with my wonderful gal, Chelsea. God, had I missed her and her perfect smile. Johnny Thief did a piece of Jenny from "The Green Ribbon" - a short story in the children's book In a Dark, Dark Room. Long story short, Jenny grows up always wearing a green ribbon around her neck. She'll never answer why. Grows up, gets married, still keeps it a secret. When she's on her deathbed, she finally asks her husband to remove the green ribbon and her head falls off. WELL, my mom loves telling the story about how one day, when I was little, she came into the bathroom where my sister and I were happily playing in the tub with a green ribbon tied around her neck. She says my eyes got as big as saucers. She then kneeled down by the tub and removed the ribbon and flopped over behind the tub, so it looked, to me, that her head had fallen off. I cried for quiet a while. Since my mom finds this so funny (I do, too, truth be told), this was her payback. :) Johnny had no problem helping me get my mom back from the trauma that must've caused.
Once Jenny was all finished up, I headed over to Matt Lukesh's side of the studio and we geared up for my first portrait tattoo. It's of my beautiful cat, Miss Kitty. Matt is insanely amazing at portraits. I had really only seen his portraits of people (which are incredible), but trusted that he would do a beautiful job capturing MK. We bonded over a mutual love for Silence of the Lambs, and then after almost falling asleep during the outline, I kept trying to peek at the tattoo. He mentioned a lot of people who get memorial tattoos wait until the very end so that it's a big reveal. I decided to go with that idea, and boy... I was blown away. I cried looking in the mirror seeing the face of my baby, who seriously saved my life on more than one occasion, staring back at me. I've missed her terribly, and it's so comforting to get to see her every day, now and to know that she's right there with me. I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out. I also couldn't be more impressed with Matt as a person. Sweet, kind, smart, funny and insanely talented. I highly recommend the shop. It's totally worth the drive if you're on the East Coast.
These tattoos were both family monuments. My entire family loved each of them and got a real kick out of Jenny. Miss Kitty was like a family member to all of us, so we all enjoyed reminiscing after the portrait was done. It was a warm fuzzy night for all of us filled with great memories.
I heard from a good friend over the weekend, also. Just got a nice reminder that there's still people out there who "get it". Who understand what supporting a friend is and how to do it without even being prompted! There are some (few) people who are just going to be there for you your whole life and you never have to second guess it. Even if you go months without speaking, you know, that if you need anything-- they are there. I'm so much more appreciative of this quality than ever before. I don't think I've ever taken that attribute in my friends for granted, but now it is, above all else, more important of a quality in a true friendship, I think. With the distance geographically between me and my friends back home, it's important to know you still have a shoulder to lean on, even if they are 6 hours away. So that definitely sprinkled even more happy onto my weekend.
Finally, Sunday came and I woke up to a very tired Dan getting home from work and a very sore me inching my way out of bed. I took a shower, cleaned up the tattoos, cleaned the house and started cookin'. We had Jordan, Johnny and little baby Eleanore over for steaks. Jordan made the most delicious peach pie w/ pecan crumble on top (holy hell). I informed her that I wanted to marry the pie, as if I needed her permission to have it's hand in marriage. We were married in a quiet ceremony late last night... Nothing has ever been sweeter than the perfect marriage between woman and pie (and vanilla frozen yogurt on top). Mmmmmm...
Aside from the lingering headache I have from the whole 3 beers I consumed yesterday, I'm a happy gal. I always feel like a reinvented person (always for the better) after a new tattoo. The high of two new ones has me on cloud nine... I think I'll stay a while.
xo,
Rachael
Friday night, Dan and I stayed in and relaxed. Dan switched schedules with someone for the weekend, so he had to work a 24 hour shift Saturday (which frees him up for a wedding we're attending in Oct!). When I found this out, I decided to contact my tattoo shop and see if they had any openings. Both artists happened to have time for me, so I spent most of last week giddy like a child during the week prior to Christmas.
 |
| Me on the left, Chelsea on the right displaying her PERFECT TEETH. |
 |
| Jenny and her green ribbon. |
 |
| Miss Kitty. RIP. |
These tattoos were both family monuments. My entire family loved each of them and got a real kick out of Jenny. Miss Kitty was like a family member to all of us, so we all enjoyed reminiscing after the portrait was done. It was a warm fuzzy night for all of us filled with great memories.
I heard from a good friend over the weekend, also. Just got a nice reminder that there's still people out there who "get it". Who understand what supporting a friend is and how to do it without even being prompted! There are some (few) people who are just going to be there for you your whole life and you never have to second guess it. Even if you go months without speaking, you know, that if you need anything-- they are there. I'm so much more appreciative of this quality than ever before. I don't think I've ever taken that attribute in my friends for granted, but now it is, above all else, more important of a quality in a true friendship, I think. With the distance geographically between me and my friends back home, it's important to know you still have a shoulder to lean on, even if they are 6 hours away. So that definitely sprinkled even more happy onto my weekend.
Finally, Sunday came and I woke up to a very tired Dan getting home from work and a very sore me inching my way out of bed. I took a shower, cleaned up the tattoos, cleaned the house and started cookin'. We had Jordan, Johnny and little baby Eleanore over for steaks. Jordan made the most delicious peach pie w/ pecan crumble on top (holy hell). I informed her that I wanted to marry the pie, as if I needed her permission to have it's hand in marriage. We were married in a quiet ceremony late last night... Nothing has ever been sweeter than the perfect marriage between woman and pie (and vanilla frozen yogurt on top). Mmmmmm...
Aside from the lingering headache I have from the whole 3 beers I consumed yesterday, I'm a happy gal. I always feel like a reinvented person (always for the better) after a new tattoo. The high of two new ones has me on cloud nine... I think I'll stay a while.
xo,
Rachael
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Finding Closure in Opening Up
My whole body keeps urging me to write. I feel the need to communicate and pour so much onto a "page", but when I sit down to write, nothing solid comes out. Right now, there are just fragments of what's been swimming around in my noggin' for the past week...
Since my birthday, I've been dealing with that whole loss thing a bit more, I've been to Maryland to see old friends and family, and I had a really nice week at work last week. I was recognized for my efforts and the changes that I've had a hand in making since I started here (freelancing) a year ago next month. That's putting last week very quick and simply.
It wasn't quick or simple, of course, because that's not how my life, my brain or my heart works.
While the good seriously outweighed the bad in the past couple weeks, the bad is still apparent. I think it fell out of my face on Friday night since I was home talking to my mom and actually could discuss everything with someone who has seen my life from start to finish. If anyone can sympathize and/or see it from the outside, it would be my mom (she's almost too brutally honest sometimes and will tell me the real deal even when it hurts). I was hoping for some sort of insight or some hidden nugget of explanation that I somehow overlooked or missed over the last 5 months of reflection, but even she couldn't seem to understand what has happened since I moved.
So--I have really started the wheels in motion to move forward. Maybe it was the talk with my mom and solidifying that there isn't any explanation, and there is no going anywhere (positive) from here--maybe that was the "closure" I needed, but I have made a few plans to go forth. I'm making changes and I think they will all eventually be for the better.
With that under my belt, I slept very soundly last night. The trip home was much needed. It reenforced how important family, good friends (and cats) can be to a gal's mood and outlook.
Dan and I both got a bit caught up by being surrounded by my parent's cats all weekend, so I've been looking into the best kinds of cats for people who are allergic. I know it sounds silly to get something you're allergic to, but what a difference they make in your mood! I think it's worth it...
Friends venturing out to the woods to see me at my parent's house makes me smile. Big. It was a wonderful weekend and just what I needed. Can't wait for my next trip home.
xo,
Rachael
 |
| Bday flowers from my work that perfectly match my new bag |
It wasn't quick or simple, of course, because that's not how my life, my brain or my heart works.
While the good seriously outweighed the bad in the past couple weeks, the bad is still apparent. I think it fell out of my face on Friday night since I was home talking to my mom and actually could discuss everything with someone who has seen my life from start to finish. If anyone can sympathize and/or see it from the outside, it would be my mom (she's almost too brutally honest sometimes and will tell me the real deal even when it hurts). I was hoping for some sort of insight or some hidden nugget of explanation that I somehow overlooked or missed over the last 5 months of reflection, but even she couldn't seem to understand what has happened since I moved.
So--I have really started the wheels in motion to move forward. Maybe it was the talk with my mom and solidifying that there isn't any explanation, and there is no going anywhere (positive) from here--maybe that was the "closure" I needed, but I have made a few plans to go forth. I'm making changes and I think they will all eventually be for the better.
With that under my belt, I slept very soundly last night. The trip home was much needed. It reenforced how important family, good friends (and cats) can be to a gal's mood and outlook.
 |
| Pete and Abbey |
Friends venturing out to the woods to see me at my parent's house makes me smile. Big. It was a wonderful weekend and just what I needed. Can't wait for my next trip home.
xo,
Rachael
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)