Chronic Pain

I've never considered my endometriosis "chronic pain" until now.  It's hard to be happy at all when you're in pain all the time.  It's even harder when you have a history with depression, you've left your family and lost your friends and are quite alone in a state you're still unfamiliar with after a year of residing in it.

I started this blog to try to keep myself positive while embarking on this new journey.  To try to find the silver lining in the lonely days, but there are some days where that silver lining is just buried too deep...

I went through hell this past year.  I realized who my true friends were (lets just say it wasn't the hundred who showed up for my going away party...  or even 5 of them), I suffered through a long, depressing, snowy and icy winter nearly alone, aside from Dan who was just starting some rough rotations and have still been trying to fit in at work.  Last week was my one year anniversary up here in Connecticut and to date, I still haven't had one Maryland friend come and visit me.  I've, in fact, only had 4 visitors.  My sister and her husband, Boots from Ohio and my beloved Adina from Pennsylvania.  Dan has had plenty of visitors.  He has good friends who care about him and care about staying in touch.  It's nice to be a part of that, at least.  My parent's haven't even been up to see where I've been living...

The year in review is tough for me to swallow.  I see life's happiness as somewhat of a pie chart.  The happiness is nearly equal parts friends, family, relationship, career and future goals and plans to look forward to.  Something to work towards.  I feel like at the end of this year in CT, I only have one of those things here.  That's the relationship.  I'm missing friends, family, career fulfillment and things to look forward to.

What do you do when you're in a situation like that?  Do you stick it out longer and hope for the best?  Keep waiting and just try your damndest to stay optimistic?  I've been in a similar situation before.  I feel that it's become a pattern.  I'm always forced into a situation where I have to choose either waiting longer for what I want to happen (that may or may not ever come/happen) OR leaving and starting over again elsewhere.  Last time I left and started over.

I'm boggled as to why I always get sucked into these situations...  It truly makes you reevaluate yourself.  It makes you take a long look in the mirror.  I've never loved what I've seen, so that's no big surprise.

Maybe that's just it.  Maybe it really is just that simple.  People see what I see, and they just don't want it...

I'm so burnt out on trying to keep my chin up.  I'm so tired of people telling me to try art classes or dance classes to "keep busy".  I don't want to keep busy while I sit and watch everyone else living.  I want to fucking live...  I really hoped I'd be at that point after a year, but alas...  here I am.  Puffy eyes and all.

Maybe surgery will go horribly wrong.  Now there's that silver lining.

xo,
Rachael

Menopause at 28...

Sounds awesome, right?

This week I've been doubled over, crying, not sleeping, constantly nauseous, exhausted, sweating profusely (from being attached to a heating pad constantly), and holding or pressing on my stomach.  My endometriosis has resurfaced with a vengeance this week.  I suppose it's slowly been creeping back, but the pains I've been feeling this week have been unbearable.  I don't remember the cramps being this bad except during my first periods following my surgeries.  All the spots that had been lasered and scraped at start bleeding and it's obviously painful.  That's what it's felt like this week, but the hard part is, there's no light at the end of this tunnel this time.  I don't have months/years of less pain to look forward to because I haven't just had surgery.

For years I have been avoiding the drug called Lupron.  It has been used to help treat the symptoms of endometriosis by putting women into a reversible menopausal state (it is also used to treat men with advanced prostate cancer).  Along with not getting your cycle, you get the hot flashes, joint aches, bone loss, mood swings, etc. etc. etc.  All the fun stuff you hear women talk about when going through "the change".   My doctor in Baltimore wasn't a big fan of this option, either.  He knew it sounded as horrible as cramping from endometriosis can get...

I always said I would rather just manage the pain with medication for as long as I possibly could.  I have had some success with the surgeries, so I would prefer that I could take that route again.  My new doctor doesn't seem to think that's a good option unless I was ready to try to get pregnant in the next year (which obviously I'm not close to) since the surgery helps increase fertility.

After not sleeping last night, I had to call and make an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday.  I've spent most of the day upset, anxious and dreading the thought of having to take this treatment path.  It's horrible, but there are really very few options for endometriosis.  I cry any time I actually let myself think about getting the shots and what it might do to me and the new stresses my body will have to deal with, and more scary to me-- my mind.  I am pretty open and honest about my bouts with depression.  I've had problems with birth control in the past that made me more sensitive and moody and I hated life that way...  I can't imagine willingly singing up for something that may make me depressed and miserable...  and to have to go through it up here alone...  It's really hard.  It's not an option I'm wanting to choose, but I don't feel like I have a choice.

I guess I'll see what he has to say Wednesday...

xo,
Rachael