Finding Closure in Opening Up

My whole body keeps urging me to write.  I feel the need to communicate and pour so much onto a "page", but when I sit down to write, nothing solid comes out.  Right now, there are just fragments of what's been swimming around in my noggin' for the past week...

Bday flowers  from my work that perfectly
match my new bag

Since my birthday, I've been dealing with that whole loss thing a bit more, I've been to Maryland to see old friends and family, and I had a really nice week at work last week.  I was recognized for my efforts and the changes that I've had a hand in making since I started here (freelancing) a year ago next month.  That's putting last week very quick and simply.

It wasn't quick or simple, of course, because that's not how my life, my brain or my heart works.

While the good seriously outweighed the bad in the past couple weeks, the bad is still apparent.  I think it fell out of my face on Friday night since I was home talking to my mom and actually could discuss everything with someone who has seen my life from start to finish.  If anyone can sympathize and/or see it from the outside, it would be my mom (she's almost too brutally honest sometimes and will tell me the real deal even when it hurts).  I was hoping for some sort of insight or some hidden nugget of explanation that I somehow overlooked or missed over the last 5 months of reflection, but even she couldn't seem to understand what has happened since I moved.

So--I have really started the wheels in motion to move forward.  Maybe it was the talk with my mom and solidifying that there isn't any explanation, and there is no going anywhere (positive) from here--maybe that was the "closure" I needed, but I have made a few plans to go forth.  I'm making changes and I think they will all eventually be for the better.

With that under my belt, I slept very soundly last night.  The trip home was much needed.  It reenforced how important family, good friends (and cats) can be to a gal's mood and outlook.

Pete and Abbey

Dan and I both got a bit caught up by being surrounded by my parent's cats all weekend, so I've been looking into the best kinds of cats for people who are allergic.  I know it sounds silly to get something you're allergic to, but what a difference they make in your mood!  I think it's worth it...

Friends venturing out to the woods to see me at my parent's house makes me smile.  Big.  It was a wonderful weekend and just what I needed.  Can't wait for my next trip home.

xo,
Rachael

Love, Loss and Birthday Cake.

Birthdays, for me, have always just been an excuse to get all of my favorite people in the same location at the same time.  It's selfishly to make myself happy on the one day a year I give myself credit to be a brat (well, almost one day...).  A lot of my friends were in different cliques and I knew them all from different places.  One group were the kids I grew up with and all hailed from Southern Maryland.  I spent time with them from high school throughout college and beyond.  There's another group from Southern Maryland that even pre-dates high school.  They were my middle through college and beyond crew (with even a few elementary and one pre-school friend included).  These two groups were the easiest to blend since they all at least knew OF each other, if not each other directly, so they all were fast friends, once jumbled together.

Amazing corn soup @ firebox

The other groups included people I met later in life, for instance, strictly through college (which means, they saw me at my very worst times and still continued to be my friends--i.e.:  they deserve a medal) and my work friends.  The work friends are split into another two groups:  Production crew friends and ad agency friends.  The two rarely get a chance to mix, but because I have had the (awesome) position of being full-time at an ad agency, yet in the production department, I get to be a part of each side of the coin when it comes to producing spots for TV, etc.  They are very different kinds of people, but both equally awesome and fun.

Delicious fluke @ firebox

Birthdays to me became the one day a year, I got to have them all get together and mingle.  I was really spoiled last year because I had my birthday outing which was a nice mash-up of friends, but then my going away party a month later which packed in all sorts of people who have come in an out of my life, including family members, bosses, co-workers, and friends from each phase of my life thus far.

I guess that's partly why this birthday was so difficult.  I've never had a birthday in my adult life that I didn't spend with friends.  If you ask friends out for a drink or dinner for no reason, they have every excuse in the book as to why they can't make it, and it's perfectly acceptable.  If it's missing your birthday, they'd better try their best to make it and show they give a shit.  It's the adult version of getting a present for your birthday.  You know you have a friend.

When your friends fail to show up, however, you are reminded that things have changed and you will more than likely start comparing your life's path now with how it was a year ago.  It's tough to swallow, sometimes, but necessary to accept.

Meeting Snoogs for the 1st time on my bday

I've been talking about loss a lot lately and comparing the loss of some friendships to dealing with death.  You go through the same exact grieving process.  I mean- to a tee.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance.  Here's the thing:  If you're anything like me, you're hyper-aware of what is happening either during it or directly after, and you work hard to make that whole "acceptance" stage come as quickly as possible, and/or at least last.  Some people, however, since they aren't actually DEAD (this sounds bad), keep rearing their ugly heads into your life.  They acknowledge their shitty friendship tendencies and swear, for the 11th time, that things will be different moving forward.  So, you, being the doormat that you are (and thirsty for friendship), say "Okay...  I really hope so..."  And you wait.  You send them presents or messages just because (because that's what friends at least USED to do), and you get no response...  slowly, the grieving process begins all over again, and it becomes a never-ending cycle.

I have to come to terms with the fact that not everyone (or anyone) is as aware of their actions as I am.  I'm hyper-sensitive to what vibes I'm putting out, how I'm treating people, how I react to situations and how everyone else reacts to me, etc.  Not everyone is as neurotic, so some people genuinely have no idea that they're affecting you.  That's when you learn that you have to be blunt, honest and open.  If you don't tell someone that their actions are hurting you, then they will forever say, "how was I supposed to know?"  Now there are no excuses.  People know what they're doing and what effect it has had on me.

Flowers from my wonderful cousin

It's been depressing because along with honesty comes the responsibility of having to deal with whatever response you're going to hear in return.  Unfortunately, I didn't really expect the "deal with it" response, so I've been having almost more trouble with that one than the repeat offenders.

My mom used to always say that when I was in middle school I would have hundreds of friends, high school, a good amount, college, I'd have 10-20 close friends, and in my adult life, I could count my good friends on one hand.  She was, of course, right.  I just didn't expect the friends I could count on one hand to be who they've turned out to be.  I am grateful each day for those friends and they all made me feel very special on my birthday, and continue to do so throughout the year... you know, like real friends do.

Bday bracelet from Dan

I must also include that I'm extra lucky for having a best friend that happens to be my other half.  He went above and beyond to make me feel special and loved this birthday (and every single day).  I got my entire extensive summer reading list, some purdy jewelry, a nice big new salad spinner (YES!!), some ice tea accessories (too hard to explain), an amazing dinner at Firebox in Hartford (a YUMMY restaurant I've been dying to try) and most importantly, a NEW MIX CD!

So cheers to you, real friends.  Cheers to keeping in touch, helping each other through the tough times and being there to celebrate the great times for yet another year.  :-D

xo,
Rachael

P.S.  All photos from this post were taken on my birthday.

Fireworks

My attempt at light painting "Love <3"

fireworks - plural of fire·work (Noun)
1. A device containing gunpowder and other combustible chemicals that causes a spectacular explosion when ignited, used typically for display or in celebrations.
2. A display of fireworks.

Let's see.  "Spectacular explosion" pretty much sums up a couple of moments I've had in the past month.  Not all of them were spectacular in the traditional sense, but all of them have had pretty spectacular endings.  I've been working through some tough times while trying my very best to keep a positive outlook.  It's the whole keeping things in and how toxic that can ultimately be.  I'm usually very good about being open and honest with how I'm feeling, and mostly am except for certain topics that I think, as women, we are trained and taught not to discuss.

Dan's "LOVE"

How many times have you heard "the best way to scare off a guy is to bring up the "M" word"?  Or "want a guy to run?  Mention having kids someday."  What's scary is that when we actually reach the point in our lives where kids and marriage become more realistic possibilities, we should not still be sitting and nodding quietly when the topics are brought up.  I got a much deserved slap on the wrist when these topics recently came up with the man I'm planning my future with.  I've always been silent when it comes to those things, no matter what I'm actually thinking or wanting, because I was always told it would it would be something no one would ever want to hear if they were lacking a vagina.  On top of that, I used to surround myself with women who pressured (to put it nicely) their (now) husbands to propose.  After spending a good amount of time with those ladies, I decided it was probably why the divorce rate is as high as it is, and that I wanted to be the complete opposite of them.  I guess instead of talking about it with each breath, I took the complete opposite stand and never let the ideas pass my lips.

As Dan put it, talking about the future is a nice thing like when children talk about their dream jobs or anyone talks about their dream home...  it's okay to dream a little and think about what the future holds (even if it's terrifying like marriage or children).

R+D in a heart...  sorta.  :)

Anyhoo, the lesson learned is that to diminish fireworks in the future, always be open and honest, and even when you slip up and let all those frustrations build up and you combust, at least appreciate when you have someone spectacular to help you put the pieces back together...  I certainly do...

There will be ups and downs, but at long as we are with people we can share both with, I think we'll all be okay.

xoxo,
Rachael

P.S.  As far as our fourth, it was low-key.  Lovely day full of bbq, swimming, a bonfire and fireworks.  I also took the opportunity to do some light paintings with our sparklers.  Cheers!

Positive(ly) Portugal

There are two huge beaming positives that came from my vacation to Portugal.  The first, I picked my camera back up after what I'd love to say was months, but more accurately is probably years.  For some people who don't know, I originally went to college to study Photography.  It was my major.  It is why I was accepted to The Maryland Institute College of Art (well, mainly).  I fell in love with photography in high school.  I had/have a passion for all things people, and snapping one moment in time of one person, one look, one tiny piece of someone drew me in and I found myself loving all forms of artwork I could use to explore people (always wanted to draw portraits, never landscapes-- same went for my photography for the most part).  When I found video, I realized I could use it to capture moments like photography, but also use it to tell people's stories, and I fell in love with that medium, as well.

For some reason, when I graduated and found myself strapped with more responsibilities, I found less time for exploration and artwork.  I think we all go through that phase where things we love to do find their way to the back burners for us while we spend most of our time and energy as young adults on creating a career path (that we hopefully enjoy) and finding a balance between work and relationships with friends and loves.  Sometimes it takes it's toll on our hobbies and passions, and it takes something big (like a very expensive European vacation) to remind us that there's more to us than work and relationships.  There's more to pad the happiness with, and sometimes I forget them (a small list:  books, poetry, documentaries, photography, painting, drawing, makeup, nail polish, funky fashion, design, cooking, people-watching, singing, etc.)  I've never had a successful vacation, so I didn't realize how important and useful they are in forcing you to rediscover these seemingly obvious joys.

Lagos, Portugal
(aka "Beach Don't Give a Fuck")

The second wonderful experience I walked away from Portugal with was the healing power of European self-image.  Know what I adore about Europeans?  They don't give a fuck about what their bodies look like.  Europeans are far more concerned with their mental health and with simply what makes them happy.  Because many of the things that Europeans find happiness in HAPPEN to be healthy (walking instead of driving everywhere, fresh local ingredients close by to cook with and consume, etc.) they don't have the obesity issues crammed down their throats constantly like we do in the states.  The most beautiful and freeing experience is to go to a European beach.

Dan and I feeling free at the beach.

I remember going to the beach in the Dominican Republic and seeing the visiting Europeans being so free with their bodies (sometimes topless, sometimes just in skimpier suits, sometimes just in regular suits with complete confidence) and thinking it was really shocking and a little gross.  I wasn't used to seeing cellulite, stretch marks or saggy breasts hanging out so freely-- signs of aging.  Signs of enjoying life and good foods and probably wine and beer, too!  These people on the beach weren't unhealthy.  They were simply real and honest.  They weren't photoshopped.  And the strangest part about all of this-- they were smiling.  Laughing, even!

Happy for hours on this beach.

It may be because of the state of mind I was in at that time in the DR, or the people I surrounded myself with, but being on the beach in Portugal was a completely different experience for me.  Not only was I being cheered on to lose my shorts by the company I was in, but the general population of people on the beach were REAL people.  They had physical signs of living life and not spending every day dieting and denying themselves good food or lazy days if they so choose.  It was completely natural and no one-- NOT ONE person looked at anyone else with judgement.  Find me a beach in the US where a gal with extra flab in a bikini isn't ridiculed and/or made fun of (even if it's behind her back).  I mean fuck just a bikini-- in a swimsuit at ALL being more than 120 lbs, you're going to get glances and you're going to feel uncomfortable in your own skin.  It's unfortunate...

Obligatory Vacation Shot.

And while it's with me now, and will probably fade with time, I have that European mentality about my body.  I felt just as good in my bikini on that beach as I ever have about my body.  It probably says a lot about the people I was with as much as it does the culture I was in the center of.  I didn't feel judged, and it was incredibly freeing.

I'm going to try and hold tight to these two positive aspects of this trip and remember them when I'm feeling too American.

xo,
Rachael

P.S.
For all of my trip's photography, you can visit here.

Portugal In Progress...

 Enjoy many more photos from my trip thus far.  Updated daily HERE.

xo,

Rachael

Putting It Out There

After an 11 hour shoot day, I drug myself home to pile on a new coat of under eye makeup, powder and a sweep of blush to try to hide some of the zombie green that was settling into my skin for the evening.  I grabbed the tray of veggies I cut up the previous evening, the tri-flavored hummus platter and two bags of pita chips I snagged from the grocery store Sunday and got right back into my car to head to a stranger's house.

I've gotten a little ballsy since I moved to CT.  I've had to be...  moving at all took some balls, but in order to meet new people at 27, find a new job with no real networking connections, and fill out the rest of my life that needs a little padding, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and do some things that scare you or that you're not incredibly comfortable with.

One thing that was a necessity was finding a new local doctor/specialist to help me deal with my next steps in dealing with my endometriosis.  While sitting in the waiting room, nervous, I scanned the room for pamphlets, magazines, posters of uteri and fliers--anything at all to take my mind off of a new set of doctors, nurses and fellows that would be acquainting themselves with my nether regions.  There was a flyer on the wall--one lone white 8x10 piece of paper with an email address and the words, "Endometriosis Support Group.  If interested, please contact ___".  I took a picture of the flyer and decided to email the address later in the week.  2 months passed and I never heard back.

I had really forgotten about the whole situation until May 27th when an email arrived from a gal named Julie introducing herself and explaining that she was the contact on those fliers and had been swamped with work, but had free time, now, and wanted to devote some of it to finally getting this group together. She explained her own diagnoses and a little about herself and offered to host the first meeting at her house and gave a list of dates and times to choose from.

After a few emails back and forth introducing ourselves to each other, the day was set, and we all brought (way too many) appetizers to share.  There were 4 of us total (a fifth that didn't reply), and we all spent a few hours getting to know one another, sharing tips, stories and concerns with one another.  It was almost scary how quickly we all were bonded by this disease, which, by the way, wasn't the only thing we talked about.

I'm sure that some of these girls will become friends that I hang out with outside of our little group.  It was really a wonderful evening filled with great conversation, food and wine, and I couldn't be happier that I stretched outside of my comfort zone.  I really got to meet some extraordinary women because of it.

Popina

Next stop:  Portugal!  I (unapologetically) ripped off Kelle Hampton's new bathing suit and I couldn't be more thrilled with it.  Super retro/pin-up (with a detachable halter strap).  It's yellow with white polka dots, but you can't tell from the shitty pic.  Also, got my first Victoria's Secret swimsuit top (helllooooo, tittays) and a swim skirt from Popina (same place as the one piece) because my least favorite part of my body is right where that swim skirt covers.  Hopefully this will be the most comfortable I've been in beachwear in a while...  I also spent a good amount of money on skirts and sundresses.  I'm looking forward to sun and culture...  Hoping for relaxation and a good amount of time with Dan.

Top: VS, Skirt: Popina

This week has been incredibly stressful work-wise, and I've gotten very little sleep.  Hopefully the next update will be from a far more relaxed gal.  :)

xo,
Rachael


P.S.  I'm totally obsessed with this song "Ambling Alp" by Yeasayer.  Give it a listen on my playlist (turn up your speakers!!).

In the Weeds

I spent all day Saturday at Elizabeth Park which happens to be very close to my house.  It's gorgeous.  I needed some time to myself and ended up spending hours there just laying by the pond, dividing my time between people-watching and reading, while allowing the occasional ant to make its way across my pages.

I'm not a very nature-ey gal, but for some reason this park speaks to me.  There's beautiful trees that create the perfect amount of shade, water that's home to many ducks and geese, and a rose garden that's beyond belief.  It's a nice place to relax and enjoy the outdoors.

I really have been feeling in the weeds lately.  I'm trying my best to pull myself out.  Even though I was surrounded by all of that beauty, I couldn't even crack one smile.

I'm lucky to have such a loving partner.  I'm lucky to have good friends, even if they're at a distance (geographically).  Neal, Linsey, Megan and Adina have shown me glimpses of where I used to be and have been solid reminders that I was once strong and can get there again.  My wonderful Dan shows me more and more each day that I'm here to be with him and he is a someone I would walk to the ends of the Earth for.  I want to be better for him in every way that I can.

Home was a nice reminder that I still have warmth and love all in one place, still, even if I don't call it my "home."  Family and old friends are always a nice way to feel back to normal.  Striking up a new-old relationship has also proved to be incredibly valuable.  My good friend, Megan and I have a lot in common.  It's been remarkable to catch back up with her and talk about life, love and everything in between.  I have friends that I talk to back and forth and swap advice with, but there's something different about talking to Megan.  She listens deeply when you talk to her.  She hears everything you say, whether it's about you and something you're dealing with, or if it's advice or an opinion you are giving her.  A week later, she'll come back after having let that conversation settle, and repeat things you said to her verbatim and come back with her insight.  It's incredible.  It's rare.  It's sad that it's so rare, but she's one of the rarest roses, as Em and I say.  I'm lucky to have her back in my life.


I'm hoping this low point quickly fades away, but with these few sweet reminders and a park to visit to clear my head, I'm hoping I'll be back to my old self sooner rather than later.  At the very least, this slump is making take notice of the things and people I have to be grateful for, and I have to try to keep an eye on that silver lining.

Here's to getting out of the weeds.

xo,
Rachael