Serenity...

"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is."
-Thomas Szasz 

I've been trying to settle on some sort of symbol for "serenity" for a new tattoo.  A friend asked if I'm getting it for something to aspire to, and I suppose all of my tattoos are always reminders of things to aspire to or remember/keep close, but the most important reason for this one would be that I for the first time maybe ever, I feel this lovely sense of calm and serenity that I always want to remember.  It's incredibly freeing and euphoric.  I think it will also serve as a good reminder that I was once here and can get back to this when things inevitably get harder as life progresses.  It's all about feeling like you are where you belong.  This comfort and coziness in all that is around you.  

My mom always said when things were right, they aren't so hard...  I guess this is what she meant.  It feels so nice and I think it's deserving of a permanent reminder.

So...  any ideas?  So far I've looked into different flowers, possibly a swan...  Maybe a sloth with sunglasses on?  ;-)  Who knows...

xo,
Rachael

Happier Times

Since I know I have at least one blog reader who keeps up with my posts, I guess I'll update.  ;-)

So much of what was ailing me during my last post has faded.  A big chunk of that being the chronic pain I last wrote about.  I went to a new specialist to get a second opinion on my endometriosis.  The pain had gotten to the point that I was ready to try the reversible menopause shot treatments (highly toxic) that I had always been against or to have the serious discussion about if it were time to start "trying" before removing my lady innards.

My new doctor checked me over and said nothing looked right and things weren't adding up.  To most people this would probably be bad news, but for me it was instant relief.  You've gotta understand that I spent 7 months in intense pain, going to appointment after appointment being told everything "looked fine."  I really started to feel crazy.

My new doc told me she could remove my IUD since it clearly wasn't doing what it was supposed to, or leave it in for the MRI she wanted me to have regardless to see if it was in fact in the "right place."  The "right place" isn't just anywhere inside my uterus, as my previous doctor kept reaffirming, but instead - in the middle of the uterus.  Not dug into the right wall of my uterus.  She told me they couldn't tell with an ultrasound, but the MRI would show exactly where it was, OR I would know if she were to take it out in a matter of days because the pain would go away.  I told her the only reason I had it was to make me stop having my cycle, but I had bled every day for 7 months since I had it put in, so she could feel free to take it out.

It was removed and with that, my right-sided pain that I was taking heavy medications for was lifted along with my hope and general outlook on life.

My new doctor has a plan for me and we have "backup" for when the endo comes back.  Things are looking up and she has renewed my faith in someday feeling mostly pain-free.

On top of that, I became engaged!  April 29th, Dan set up an incredibly massive surprise for me in our apartment.  I came home from a bridal shower to an empty driveway and a note on the door telling me he had to run out, but to enjoy my surprise inside.

I guess this is where it became blatantly obvious that I'm a very lucky gal, because I thought nothing of the sweet card on the door or hanging notes inside at first.  Dan does very sweet, romantic things for me often, and I honestly didn't know what was going on until the "lets be together forever" note and seeing the new mix CD hanging from the last string.  Pressing play, as instructed to do so by another note, prompted audio from Disney's version of Robin Hood to begin playing (we watched that together our first sleepover - he put it on without knowing it's one of my all-time faves from childhood).  That's when I really knew and I broke down and sobbed into my hands as I heard Little John telling Robin, "what are you waiting for?  Just marry the girl, already!"

While crying into my hands I realized there's no way Dan could have left me to go through this alone, so I turned around and there he was, down on one knee with a ring.  I couldn't see the ring because of all the crying, but after about a million, "is this for real?  Is this a joke?"s, I of course said yes.

The ring is just perfect for me.  Rose gold with rubies and a beautiful diamond.  Classic and unique.  I adore it.  Inside it reads, "Now and forever, Rabbit."

Planning the wedding has been mostly a pleasure thus far.  I have my dress and my bridesmaids and I'm ready to go.  :)

It was about time for a happy post, eh?

xo,
Rachael

Chronic Pain is Pretty Fucking Painful

My endometriosis pain has gotten to yet another new level.  It's made me start looking into a bit more on the subject of chronic pain vs. specific endometriosis pain.  If pain management is the way to go for now, I need to know more about it.

I came across this article I found pretty interesting.  While it's pretty obvious why people who are constantly in pain would find themselves dealing with depression, it's not as clear that they may be lacking a fear most people have that keep them from hurting themselves or worse:


"The natural and deep fear of pain, injury and death stops people from hurting themselves, and this includes people who have high desire for suicide. It might not be as hard for someone who has already had to contend with a lot of physical pain.”

Interesting, right?  I never thought about it because I haven't really thought about hurting myself seriously since high school (except for very rare occasions sprinkled throughout adulthood).  There's always something to be said about the tattooing and piercing experiences being therapeutic because it's so much easier feeling physical pain than emotional pain, but what if you're dealing with both all of the time?

No pain at all starts to sound a hell of a lot more tempting than constant physical pain and depression.

Adina said that for the person with chronic pain, suicide would stop their pain and that would be a huge relief.  But it would cause so many others a new/different pain.  It's hard to remember that at times, also.  That even though there's only a handful of people (my family included) that would notice if I were gone, it would be enough for me to continue to suffer through this because I couldn't bare the thought of hurting my family or Adina.

That's me.  Living for others.  I hope it's worth it to just one because currently it's not feeling so worth it for me.

xo,
Rachael

Ventilation

I feel like I'm drowning.  Each time I allow myself to start feeling optimistic about how things are going up here, something happens to chop that feeling right off.  It's pretty amazing how specifically I can pinpoint these events-- Me super hopeful and excited about things/the future and then something falling apart immediately after.  It's hard not to feel frustrated and hopeless.

I've been told that I shouldn't let myself get so upset over things that aren't in my control or that aren't my fault, and for some reason that's exactly where my head goes whenever something goes wrong.  I am quick to blame myself.  Even though my health issues are not my fault and this hospital bill out of the blue is not my fault and friends disappearing and reappearing when it's convenient for them is not my fault, but I always find a way to make it my fault.

I convince myself that I'm not good enough or smart enough or a caring enough friend to have my old friends want to make an effort toward staying in my life.  Same with marriage- Not good enough or pretty enough or thin enough.  My medical bills were not my fault, but I guess I should have tried finding out how much everything was going to end up costing before I had the surgery done.  It was my choice to move to CT from a good job with great health insurance, and buy a new car without knowing about CT Property tax.  These are things I can somehow put on myself instead of blaming my insurance company, doctors, friends, etc.

I can honestly say that I've reached a new point of stress in my life that I don't think I've ever felt before. I've worked so hard at keeping flawless credit and staying out of debt and feel like the bottom just broke out from underneath me.  I'm drowning.  One of these hardships has a domino effect on my mind and my thought process and my anxiety.  The hospital bill makes me think about the job I left and the surgery I had before that I didn't pay a dime for because of the great insurance I once had, which makes me think about not having my cushion I've independently built up for myself,  which reminds me of how hard I've been working to get to a point where I'm happy career-wise in CT, which reminds me of how much I've done and given up in general which makes me think about what I gave it all up FOR, which in return makes me think, once again, about not being where I had hoped we would be.  It's all quite depressing and nerve-wracking.  You get to a point where you can't breathe anymore.  I can't find anything to look forward to.  I can't find any positives to balance out the tremendous amount of negative.  I knew my year was planned out for me already with other people's weddings, bachelor parties, holidays with family (I now have to use my own vacation time for)...  nothing for myself, really.  Nothing for my relationship.  That was tough enough to swallow every day, and now all of this?

It's so hard.  It's such a rough area right now.  I keep thinking about how many times I've really been shaken since I've been in CT and it's been several.  I keep saying it feels like a joke and I'm waiting for someone to jump out and say, "JUST KIDDING!"  Or that it feels like a test-- someone's just pushing me to see how much it will take before I break.  I think I'm breaking.  I think this is it for real.  I can't stop crying.  My jaw is twitching on its own.  I'm constantly on edge.  I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.  It's too much to take.  The amount of times I've had to pick myself up off the ground and try to get back up and keeping going since I moved up here is ridiculous...  I don't know how many more times I'll be expected to do this.  On top of all of this, my physical pain has gotten really bad again...

A huge part of me wants to throw in the towel, curl up in a ball (preferably under a rock) and just take some time off work and lose it for a while...  It's bad.  Thoughts and feelings I haven't felt in so long.  I'm not going to be able to afford therapy or any other medical expensive, luxury expenses, etc. for a long, long time.  Guess it's a good thing I don't have a wedding to plan or any children on the way.

Amazing how much life can turn around in a day...

xo,
Rachael

To Vacay or Not to Vacay (and most importantly - WHERE?)

I realized tonight, a lot of times, my immediate reaction is "no."  Not like "no, I don't like that" or "no, I won't try that," but more "no- my situation won't allow it."  I've had to learn to let go of so much that I find it easier to set myself up for the disappointment ahead of time.

Dan asked me tonight if we could talk about going on a vacation.  While it sounds nice and mushy, there's a bit more to it than that.  It isn't a, "let's sit down and plan out a trip to a place we'd both love to go to."  It was a, "There's a Groupon travel deal that's pretty sweet."  "Where to?"  "Cancun.  All-inclusive."  While I would love to do one of those beachy resort vacations with Dan at some point, I've also kind of thought it'd be fun to do one of those with a big group and do a more romantic "check that destination off your bucket list" kind of vacation with Dan by ourselves.  Maybe that's why my thoughts immediately went to the "can't do it" zone...  Portugal was incredible, but was a family vacation and other people's engagement trip.

Here's the real deal-  I work at a very inflexible place with very little vacation time.  I live far away from my family and friends.  I get very little time to get to go see them and it's very rare that anyone ventures up this way (once a year maybe if I'm lucky).  So a lot of my vacation time needs to be set aside for things like holidays that I don't get normal time off for.  That makes REAL "vacation" time super precious.  I don't know if I want to spend my real vacation time in Cancun instead of Napa or Europe or planning our future instead.

That leads to the next brain blockade.  My future.  2012 is already planned.  There won't be any new exciting life changes in 2012 that I need to save my vacation time for, and that's a real bummer.  Cancun, all-inclusive resort with watered down drinks and mediocre food?  Sure...  Why not?  What else am I going to spend it on?  (That's the "fuck it" part of my brain talking...)

I know that sounds really bratty.  I would be happy to go anywhere with Dan.  I really would.  And if that's where we can go easily, and there's not going to be other places/vacations we're going to plan out, then I'll take it.  I guess maybe in my head, I'm just wanting that adventurous life to begin this year, and maybe taking a good travel deal is worth it.  I don't know...  I just don't know.

What I do know is that I need more relaxation and yoga and letting go of things I can't change.  What I need is a damn weekend with Emily.  She's like a wise guru, that one...  Throw her mom in the mix, and I may very well be cured.

*sighs*

Always,
Rachael

Your 2012 Resolution Will Not Trump My 2011 Resolution.

I've been toying around with this entry for about 2 weeks.  It started out incredibly negative and full of anger.  The second draft was less angry, more introspective.  This draft is one I'm contemplating not even publishing because I'm feeling kind of over it, but here it goes...

Basically, long story short(er), 2011 was a tough year for me filled with a lot of loss and grieving over losing old friends and acceptance, then I'd get a glimmer of hope, then the cycle began all over again. By the end of 2011, I had gotten myself in a pretty good spot as far as friendships were concerned. As cliche as it sounds, I knew who my true friends were and I was okay with it.  Hell, I was more than okay with it-  I'm more grateful than ever for the incredible few people who stuck by me through my move- those people who were there for me when I needed friends the absolute most.  THRILLED to have them in my life.

I don't really make New Year's resolutions. There are lifelong goals and things I'm constantly working on and I set them throughout the year, but they aren't so much "resolutions". There are challenges that crop up and I deal with and there are decisions I make to better things for myself and I work towards them. Last year, I had to work really hard on letting go of people that were very important to me. It took literally all year to make this happen...

This isn't the first time I have been used up and put in a position where I am forced to "clean house" and cut out people who are doing more harm to me than good.  I've had a couple other phases I can recall where I had to step back and say, "holy shit.  This person is really hurting me" and block them out.  It was really hard the first time because I used to be a total doormat and a sucker for those in need (emotionally wrecked people).  Those types of people will take and take and take until you tell them to go fuck themselves.  It became easier the second and third time because once I realize what's happening and that someone is using me, I'm out.  Usually.  It depends on the relationship I have with the people, I suppose.

In 2011, I was forced into a lot of new situations that were scary and tough because of my move.  One of those situations was to actually ask for help.  To reach out to friends, family and acquaintances for help because I was alone and scared and needed support.  That alone was hard for me to do.  I'm stubborn and independent and want to be able to take care of myself, but I couldn't last winter.  Or spring.  I needed help and asked for it for maybe the first time ever, and the people I counted on the most couldn't be there for me.  People I have been there for numerous times and have put myself through the ringer for couldn't be bothered.

It's been a very painful process to come to this realization, but a necessary one.  It was one of those (unfortunate) goals that popped up last year that I resolved to resolve.  It became my number one 2011 resolution.

That's why when one of those people decide that their 2012 resolution is going to be trying to repair their being absent and living in their own selfish world for the past few years, it becomes painful all over again.  "Too little too late" doesn't begin to explain how I feel on the situation, but it's nice, simple and to the point.  What once was a gaping open sore that had the scab picked at for an entire year finally healed over and became a scar.  A scar which reminds me when I happen to see it not to make the same mistakes.  I've gone to great lengths to not have to see that scar daily.  I've done all that I can without completely cutting ties so that I keep my sanity.  It's been great for me and really key in helping me move forward.  It's how I was able to get to the healthy place I am, now.

I intend on keeping my momentum moving forward.  This week has been so healing.  I overcame many incredible challenges at work, began a new yoga class, got some time with friends, and I've been inspired and feel rejuvenated.  I'm feeling confident and proud of myself for all of my hard work emotionally and professionally I've done in the past year.  I'm not going to let someone else's resolution get in the way of all of my hard work.  The sad part about it all is that because of the absence and complete lack of interest in my well-being over the past year, they have zero idea where my life is and how I've gotten here.  It's a real shame, but "how are you doing?" and "what's new?" have been too hard to ask in the past year, so why would it start now?

Hopefully my 2012 resolutions will end up being a bit more positive to report on next year.  I am feeling incredibly optimistic tonight after a great week.  I will continue to accomplish goals and surround myself with positive people who support me, and that will ensure things only go up from here.

xo,
Rachael

Cheers: 2012

I'm doomed...

2012 is already scheduled to be a year to watch everyone else live out their dreams...  It's sad that timing (yeah, I'll call it "timing") has fucked me once again...  The more I find out, the more angry I get.  Everything feels so out of my control.  It's times like those that I make snap decisions and irrational moves (which is kind of exhilarating).

I spent most of 2011 watching other people live.  I've explained this to many as me sitting in one place not progressing.  I'm staring into the mirror seeing my face age, and having nothing to show for it.  I haven't become anything new in the past year- not even a particularly better version of myself.  I'm just here.  Aging.  Spinning my wheels.  Contently, otherwise, I suppose...

I'm doing all that I can not to burst and let everything that's swimming around in my head take over, but it's tough.  You reevaluate at the end of each year and see how far you've come or mark the milestones and this year, I have none aside from financial victories and material items (new car, a few new disgustingly expensive handbags, etc).

It was 2010 that I moved for Dan, left my old job, found a new one, etc.  I lost a lot of friends in 2010-2011, and gained two close friends.  In 2011, I have become more confident and kicked complete ass in a job that rarely challenges me.  I'm not sure how proud one can be of that accomplishment?

When reading my new year's post from last year, a word that showed up a lot was "proud."  I guess if I had to choose anything to be proud of in 2011, it would be becoming aware that I can do most anything on my own.  I've been forced to figure quite a bit out, and I did each time (finances, health issues, depression, lack of friends, etc).  I know that if the snap decisions and irrational moves tapped me on the shoulder, I could keep up with them, if that makes any sense.  And that does give me some sort of pride/comfort.

I feel a hell of a lot more comfortable in this state than I did this time last year, and I feel more confident in my relationship.  That hasn't swayed.  It's just hard to see around all of the roadblocks that have been set in my path by others that I have no say in.  There comes a time where you have to make your own future plans and stop passively waiting and dreaming.  That's my hope for the new year-- I hope that I will grow a pair and make some moves.  Some incredibly irrational and impressive moves to shake this world of mine up.  After all-  we only have one life to live, right?

I often think of parenting and how I would raise a child/children of my own.  I think of how my parents raised my sisters and I and I'm constantly reminded of the values they instilled in me that I take a lot of pride in.  One shining example is simply manners.  Maybe it's because we were more Southern than the people I'm used to being around up here (though some of the kids I grew up with had zero manners and lived less than 10 miles away) or maybe because that's how my parents were raised and it's what they knew.  Whatever the case may be, my first reaction to ANYTHING that is said to me is wondering how my response will be taken by that person and how to respond without hurting anyone's feelings--even if it's work-related or opinion-based.  Unfortunately, a lot of times, that means me just keeping my mouth shut and never voicing my true opinions or watering them down to be palatable by the sensitive.  This is totally fine (and appropriate) in most cases.  However, I'm starting to find that the squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease and I'm tired of being fucked.  Maybe other people's feelings should be less of a concern than my own these days.  I want to find a balance.  I need to find a balance.


I'm not one for resolutions, but I reflect all year long.  The year wasn't bad.  It wasn't great.  There were wonderful moments and memories made this year, just no milestones to etch into a timeline.  I'm sure I'll have many more years just like that, but I won't be thrilled about it.  My goal is and always will be to find my raison d'etre.

Adina and I chatted over the weekend about life and where ours stand currently.  We both realized that we have no regrets and not many people I know can say that.  We live our lives regret-free, and I think that is heavily tied to always striving to experience new things and always be open to moving and evolving.  She and I have both always been this way, and I guess that's why I'm feeling so uncomfortable standing still.  Having to fake smiles and congrats is uncomfortable and feels like regret is lurking around the corner...  It's not my style.

So, to wrap up, cheers to an explosive 2012 - to LIVING and no longer standing still.

Highlights:
-SNL
-Buying my Mazda 3
-Louis CK
-SYTYCD w/ Adina & Mandy
-Portugal w/ Dan's fam
-Labor Day Party (Jess and John, Kevin, Eli)
-Hartford Apartment
-ETID/GWAR
-Twilight Zone Halloween
-Miss Kitty Portrait and Jenny w/ the Green Ribbon
-Visiting Em & J in Bmore
-Thanksgiving & Xmas w/ fam
-Parents visiting in CT
-Yoga

xo,
Rachael

Very Merry

What to say about xmas?  Aside from the fact that it was a bundle of amazing wrapped in a bow made of awesome, it was more than I could have hoped it would ever be.  My mom really went overboard this year on the presents (no, I am not complaining).  Dan was shocked at the gross amount of presents under (or way around) our tree.  To be fair, there were presents for 7 people under the tree...

Anyhoo, I got everything that I asked for and a few surprises, so I'm assuming Santa agreed that I was a very good girl this year.  Some of my favorite presents included my cashmere Marc Jacobs scarf, MJ mouse necklace and MJ (diaper) work bag that holds EVERYTHING and then some (so nice to not have to carry 4 separate bags to work, now).  I got a nice Steve Madden black leather jacket, and a new Obey blanket jacket/wrap (most comfy thing on earth - like an acceptable robe to wear in public).  Lots of make up and brushes from Sephora ended up in my stocking somehow and my sister showered me with fun little Alexander McQueen themed items (2012 calendar, armadillo shoe ornament, paper doll book).  Dan got me gorgeous little skull earrings with real diamonds for eyes plus Willy Wonka on DVD (can't believe I didn't already own that) and Lemmy's autobiography which I didn't even know existed.  I'm quite pleased with everything.

It was fun sharing a family tradition with someone new.  It's interesting to see how others do things different than your own family and what you've always know to be "normal."

We snuck out to Casey's for drinks with old friends both Saturday and Sunday night and got to visit with extended family on xmas day.  My grandmother had a blast.  It's been a while since I've seen her laugh so hard which made my day.  Aside from it being too short of a visit, I couldn't have asked for more.

The drive home was miserable.  Driving a manual is a blast EXCEPT when you're in traffic and I happened to be in traffic for about 2.5-3 hrs of the 8.5/9 hr commute home on Monday.  It was not fun.  I was exhausted by the end of it, but we headed to Dan's parents to exchange gifts with them.  That was a blast, and I quickly perked up.  Dan's dad shared this amazing Brooklyn Sorachi Ace and we toasted to a happy xmas.  I got the most beautiful hand carved turquoise bracelet from Brian and Rosalie.  It really was a wonderful xmas.

Hope everyone else had as lovely a time as my family and I did.  Feeling very lucky this year.

xo,
Rachael

A True Xmas Miracle!

Well, I must've been good this year.  I only really wanted one thing for xmas, and I got it.  Dan is coming home with me for the holidays!  I can't explain how exciting this is for me and how much it really means to me...

It's a big deal because xmas for my family has always been the same since we were kids (mostly) - we get up early xmas morning, wake my mom up, she gets ready and turns on the video camera (to all of our dismay) and then we enter the "wooden-floor-room" (it's the rarely-used living room.  Most people have that nice/uncomfortable room that rarely gets used, no?) where the xmas tree and all of our glorious presents (from each other and Santa) live.  My sisters and I open our presents at the same time, while shouting out "thank you"s and "Oh my god!"s.  After we are done we run into the family room to get our stockings and run back to the tree and dump them out.  After we finish that, my mom and dad take their turns opening gifts.  You may think that this sounds like the routine from when we were children, but this is exactly what happened last year.

The only thing that has changed in our routine EVER in all my 27 years of xmas was when my sister's husband joined the family.  I remember feeling really angry about it, at first.  It's so silly, because I was an adult when this happened, but it still was this weird feeling about how our family xmas was going to be different.  Honestly, it wasn't very different at ALL, since we all act completely like ourselves around Rod.  It was just the anxiety of the change, I suppose.

He is the only person who has ever joined the Shaw family for xmas morning.  That's a pretty big deal, if you ask me.  I have had past boyfriends come over for dessert on xmas evening, but none of the full-on Xmas morning shebang OR the visiting extended family on xmas.  That's a really really big deal to me.

I can't imagine my life without Dan in it, so imagining the holidays without him there is really strange, even though because of work, he hasn't been able to spend any of the main holidays with my family, so far.  Thinking about xmas without him (he was originally scheduled to be on call xmas day) put me into a pretty shitty slump.  It was a mix of my being sad that I'd be spending another important family gathering without my best friend who is always at my side otherwise, and feeling like it was unfair.  Self pity, if I'm being honest.  I felt like I had done so much and sacrificed so much to be up here to share my life with Dan and his family that I didn't think it was fair that on the rare occasions that I'm able to to spend time with my family, he can't be there to share it with me.  It was really putting a damper on everything.  I just kept letting that shitty down feeling seep into everything else around me.

As you can see from my last post, I was feeling like most everything was going wrong and you start really questioning why you have made the choices you've made.  Why nothing you want to happen is happening and, "why me?" lives in the front of your brain.  It's easy to start questioning things that are completely out of your control, but like a flip of a switch, as soon as Dan informed me he found a coworker (I love you, Christina!) to take his shift at work so he could come home with me, my outlook on everything changed.  I've turned into this "glass half-full" person in an instant.

It's what makes me sure that I made the right decision in being here to be with Dan.  He makes me a happier person- a better person.  My positivity goes beyond being happy about him coming home with me, but extends to others.  I'm joyful and grateful and want to share it.  I find myself (who a week ago was deeply involved in shit-talking sessions) lending a different/positive perspective for people feeling discouraged.  Maybe it's also the yoga, but it's definitely a different feeling and it feels so good.

One big shining example of how my mood/outlook has shifted since news of our holiday plans changed is that when we settled in on Saturday night to do our xmas cards, it was quickly apparent that our list is a lot shorter this year.  Same with my shopping list.  I have a lot fewer people to send holiday greetings to this year, which if you keep in touch with me at all, you know I've been struggling with since I moved.  I explained to my friend at work today, "I see it not so much as a shorter list, but as a stronger list.  A more solid, less bullshit list."  And that's TOTALLY okay with me right now.  I have Dan, and that's obviously more important than the people who fell off the list over the past year.

I wish I could explain the elation I feel about the upcoming holiday and how good knowing why I'm so excited for it makes me feel.  It's a comfortable feeling that I have possibly never felt, or at the very least, not since June...  My anxiety and depression stem from the unknown and second-guessing and wondering.  Right now, I don't feel like I have to wonder.  I don't need to question anything.  It's a nice cozy feeling and that feeling is where happiness- for me- blooms.

May all of your holidays be as warm as my heart feels right now.  If you're having any winter blues, I suggest a little chat with me.  Not only do I understand those blues 100% and sympathize with them, but I also have a lot of positivity to share right now.  It's a rarity, I'm well aware, and don't want to waste it!   Maybe Sophie's half-full glass really is working an xmas miracle.  <3

xo,
Rachael

I Wouldn't Care About All the Kicking if I Were in a Coma...

It's hard to walk into someone else's family gathering when you've just left your family behind you, 6 hours away.  No matter how high the flames or how strong the wine, there was a little voice in the back of my head saying, "you don't belong here."  I know that the people there would never want me feeling that way, and it wasn't anything they were doing in particular to make me feel that way.  It was that the holidays are upon us and I wasn't with my family.  I was with a family I see frequently...  far more frequently than my own.

It broke my heart.  Walking up to the bonfire, tears welled up in my eyes.  I stood there stiff, staring into the fire.  I faked a smile and stayed for longer than I wanted.  I wanted to shake all of them and say, "don't you realize I'm supposed to be with my family right now?!"  Instead, I answered their "what's wrong"s with "I'm very tired."  It wasn't all a lie, at least.

Being home for the short few days I was made me realize just how wrong of a fit I am in Connecticut.  The people, the weather, the drivers...  everything.  It just doesn't match.  I'm like a square peg in a round hole (or the other way 'round).  I have a feeling I'm going to be very unhappy for another two years because I'm not seeing much of an out.

I left the show I was counting down the days for early because of seeing some bullshit on facebook that made me cry.  I feel like I'm repeatedly being kicked while I'm down.  It's hard after more than a month of beatings to come back with some sort of rally cry and not just fold and start feeling sorry for yourself.  I honestly just feel like this is a really shit time for me and I'm going to have to suffer through it the best I can.

Somedays, I feel it so deeply in my heart that things would be easier if I just didn't wake up (not talking about suicide, folks).  Not easier just for me (mostly for me), but for everyone.  Everyone is so happy doing what they're doing.  It seems like I'm the odd man out not feeling it these days.  I'm tired of being the wet blanket, and it's obvious my friends are, too.  I'm ready to just fade out. If I could have anything at all in the whole world right now, it would be a 3 month break from my life.  I just want to go somewhere far away for 3 months, not have to worry about my bills or losing my job when I came back, and just resume 3 months from now.  Hibernation of sorts.  A mental health vacation...

It may become a forced vacation in the near future if things don't somehow turn around...  Not sure how much longer I can do this.  I'd consider picking up heroin so those around me would set up a sweet rehab intervention, but alas- there aren't enough people around me to notice some sort of dangerous drug habit. Oh, well.  There's always the slim chance of getting hit by a bus and slipping into a sweet 3-6 month coma...   *dreamy sighs*

xo,
Rachael

Get Busy Living Or...

In all my (more recent) years of therapy, something I really got out of it was my therapist telling me to set timelines and goals for myself.  I have trouble with giving people and situations the benefit of the doubt a lot-- to a fault.  I know what many of you (if there are any men reading this) are thinking.  No- I'm not talking about having babies and my clock-ticking.  I'm not talking about rules society set up for us and following that kind of a timeline.  I'm talking about setting boundaries for myself on things I have absolutely no control over.  Yes, I get anxious when I have no say in what is happening to me.  That might be a bad quality, but I can't really help it, I can only try to soothe it as much as possible.

One way of doing that is giving myself some control by setting limits to what I will allow to happen.  How much of my time I will allow someone to waste, how much of my energy or emotions I will allow someone to take, etc.  Those kinds of limits and timelines.  If I don't do this, I allow people to take and take and take until I wake up one day and go, "holy shit.  I just wasted so much time.  I could have been doing something that would make me happier."

I think most people find this to be true with jobs.  Most people I know settle into their jobs, relationships, area they live, etc.  And then they bitch.  I don't want to fall into that cycle.  I have made some bold moves in the last year and a half.  You don't know how something can turn out if you don't try, so I've been trying.  I've been really trying.  Pushing myself way out of every comfort zone I've ever come to know (and love).

I guess now comes the time that I have to start setting some timelines for myself.  I did set one when I moved.  I swore I would at least give Connecticut a year before I ran and that timeline came and went.  It was hard to stick to at times.  There were definitely days where I was ready to head out and maybe not run home (since very few of my friends from back home were there to help me keep my chin up at all - I guess Dan can thank some of them for me feeling too lonely to even go back to what used to be my "home" on those days), but run.  I have even the tiniest bit of knowledge of a place like San Diego and I know for a fact that I fit in better there, the people are nice and friendly and open and that there are actually jobs in my field there.  Some days I thought, "If I'm going to start over, why not do it in a place I know I can transition smoothly into?"

The answer is pretty obvious.  I moved for Dan.  I'm here for Dan.  Dan has to be here for the duration of his residency (which is two more years)...  So unless I'm ready to give up Dan (rest assured, I am not), then I'm not ready to flee.

Things I saw for myself happening aren't.  Things that were well on their way (at some point...  I think?) are not any longer.  Things are at a stand-still in all areas for me, currently.  And while it is incredibly cliche, there is a Steve Jobs quote that stands out in my head daily, now:

"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something...almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose." - Steve Jobs


It's inspiring.  So inspiring that today I lived so honestly and boldly, I think I'll actually sleep comfortably tonight knowing that I lived today how I would have if I were dying soon-ish.  I was very deliberate with my actions and words today and it felt amazing.  I lived for me today, not someone else.  I really wish it wasn't under the circumstances it was- I wish I wasn't defending myself - but I stood up for myself and for what is right.  I felt like I had nothing to lose because in my situation, I'd rather have "lost" than continued the way things were.  I know I'm being incredibly vague, but it's just one of those topics I can't really be loud about here.

So today, I inspired myself.  It's rare.  It shouldn't be.  I'm going to start taking more of an active role in my own life.  There will always be things I have no control over, but if I'm not happy, I can't sit and watch anymore.  It's not in me and it's not something I want for myself.  I'm not a person who has ever lived with regret and I don't plan on starting now.  I'm too old for that shit.  Too old and too good for it.  Sorry.  I'm not saying me exclusively.  It's meant to be an inclusive statement.  If you're 15 and being treated like crap or living for someone else and not doing what makes you happy, you're too old for that shit.  It's no way to live...

I guess that's where I'm trying to get back to.  "Living."  I feel like that's stopped for me since June.  I need to live so I won't regret anything when death comes a knockin'.  I'm not saying that to be morbid.  I'm saying that to be honest.  It's something I think about and something everyone should.  I think the world would be a different place if more people even considered it.  Forget just being upset over petty bullshit, but people would be REALLY living.  Not putting off their dreams for one reason or another.  That gets dangerous- procrastination.

The next step, I have no idea.  I don't have control over much, but I'll figure out what I do have control over and I'll make it mine.

xo,
Rachael

Halloween Memories

This was the first year that I actually got to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters.  It reminded me of being a kid and our Halloween traditions and rituals my parents lovingly built for us.  For a while, when all the neighborhood kids were youngin's and the neighbors actually all spoke to one another, we would take a hay ride from house to house where each neighbor would set up a fun halloween activity.  I remember being blindfolded and reaching in to feel the "eyeballs" (wet grapes), "brains" (cold spaghetti), and so on.  We would bob for apples at one stop and take in warm apple cider at the next.  The dads were involved by driving us all around in the wagons of hay secured to the backs of their tractors.  It seemed normal at the time, but looking back on it, it was probably pretty unique.

We lived in the middle of nowhere and on "our side of the fork", there was really only our one little street  (Sunnyside Drive.  No, seriously.) that was lined with houses.  Because there were only a handful of houses to get candy from, the parents made it extra special for us.  Some houses would go as far as playing halloween sound effect tapes when we approached to really set the mood.  Imagine that.

I vividly remember being so proud each year of our costumes.  My mom would hand-make all of them.  We would go to Jo-Ann Fabrics, pick out our costumes from massive catalogues of designs and buy the pack of patterns, the fabric, any extra glitter or hardware we needed, and then my mom would somehow find time to break out her sewing machine (while working full-time) and make us the most impressive costumes.  There are a couple of pictures of all us neighborhood kids in a group and amongst the store-bought plastic masks and cheapy transparent costumes overtop their regular jeans and sweaters, we three stood out.  The other parents must've secretly hated mine.  I would have if I were them.

I remember the first time I bought a costume for myself (as an adult), I felt like I was cheating.  I felt like I had copped out...  I always try to really go extreme on the make-up effects if I buy a costume, so I don't feel like I'm totally disappointing my mom's sweet traditions.

Anyway, after the kids in our neighborhood got a little older, we didn't have the biggest group any longer.  My mom would drive us over to the "other side of the fork" where there was a much bigger neighborhood.  Bryantown Hills.  It was tits.  It really was the perfect neighborhood for trick-or-treating. The houses were close to each other for the most part (not as close as in a city, of course, but you didn't need to be driven around in a tractor wagon) and there were tons of houses all handing out candy.  We would take pillowcases and come back with TONS of candy.  It was good candy, too.  Chocolate.  Not Dots, Necco Wafers and  dum dums (I call that "shit candy") which I saw this year they sell in a bag all together that is both the cheapest bag you can buy and also the one that will make kids feel like they wasted their time even bothering to show up at your house.

The reason I bring this up is because there was a specific house we went to that had a husband and wife who opened the door to give us candy.  The husband was a bloodied up dentist and the wife was his patient.  She had blood all over her mouth and shirt and teeth (real teeth or damn good fake ones) handing around her neck on strands of floss.  It was brutal and amazing.  They informed us that they were heading out to a party later on and it always stuck with me.  I knew I wanted to be those people.  It was so cool to see adults dressed up for Halloween.  It was a new concept for me.  I believe this was pre-slut-o-ween times, so while little girls still dressed up pretty like little princesses and little boys dressed like super heros, there was still a great amount emphasis put on scary.  I try to keep that alive today and it's greatly in part because of that couple in Bryantown Hills.

So, what I'm trying to say, is that this year, I finally got to be that couple.  Dan and I dressed up just to hand out candy.  A costume I've been wanting to do for years, I finally did.  No one understood what it was from (I was called "Dr. Piggy" a lot), but we dressed up as the Dr. and nurse characters from the "Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder" episode of Twilight Zone.  Of course we switched it up and Dan was the female nurse, which was fine with me.  Scrubs are like pajamas and I'd much rather be in PJs and sneakers than tights and a small dress (especially with the amount of snow that was outside).

Almost all of the costumes I saw were store bought.  There were also a few kids that were far too old to be trick-or-treating and had no costumes at all, but I'm too much of a wuss to tell them to fuck off...  We found out mid-way through the evening from our neighbor that they had actually cancelled trick-or-treating in our area because of all the down trees and power lines.  It made sense, but I'll be damned if I was going to be a part of ruining some kids Halloween.  We had our jack-o-lanterns out and lit before the sun went completely down and had our HAPPY HALLOWEEN sign (Dan made) prominently displayed on our door.  I'm glad some rebellious kids and parents stuck to their original plan and celebrated the greatest holiday of all.

Hopefully next year we'll see more kids and costumes (apparently they usually get around 150!), there won't be snow on the ground and we'll have more to dress up for than just handing out candy.  Hope everyone had a great (and eventful) Halloween.  Keep those traditions alive.  It may impact some kid more than you know.

xo,
Rachael

Snow on My Parade

In Connecticut today, it snowed.  It's October, and it legitimately snowed.  Not a flurry.  Not a light dusting.  Close to a foot (at least) out there, currently.  I had an appointment to have my oil changed and tires rotated, and as I drove to the dealership, the snow started falling.  By the time I left the dealership, all of the cars were covered in snow and I wasn't there for 45 minutes.  My original plan for the rest of the day was to pamper myself.  Go get my nails done.  Relax.  I've been going non-stop since before I left for St. Louis for work.  I've been dealing with a lot lately, and it was all catching up with me this past week.

I took the long way round to get home to just drive near the nail shop and told myself if it wasn't too bad, I'd go ahead and have them done...  Well, I got to the nail shop and it was that bad.  It was REALLY bad...  but I went anyway.  I can't describe how badly I needed today- a day of rest.  A day alone.

The drive home was scary.  Lots of trees down.  I parked in our driveway and not 10 minutes after I got home, I heard a large crash.  I ran to the back window to see what had fallen.  There was a tree branch that had my car pinned in.  Our driveway is surrounded by large trees.  There were more branches cracking and dangling over our cars...  We all moved quickly.  The neighbors and I dragged the massive branches as far as we could to get them out of the way and drove to the school that's a block away to park.  My wheels spun and my neighbor had to push my car to get it into the spot...  October...

Today was depressing for a lot of reasons.  The snow/freezing cold was certainly a big reason...  Anyone who knows me know how badly I hate winter, and to have it creep up months early is almost enough to make me want to off myself...  but on top of that, it is what usually is my favorite weekend of the year.  Halloween weekend.  Normally, I would find myself in some bar surrounded by friends, all in costume, drinking and laughing the night away.  Two years ago, I had the best Halloween I've ever had in Baltimore.  Everything about the night was wonderful.  Dan and I both dressed up, had friends who we don't see often come stay with me and we used my old place of work (I miss dearly) as a playground between bars.  It was fucking perfect.  Last year I was in a friend's wedding, so Halloween wasn't really celebrated as much as the marriage was, of course.  This year, I had my dream costumes (that I've wanted to do for years) all ready to go and realized I had nowhere to go...

Tonight I don't just find myself with nowhere to go (because CT doesn't really do Halloween like MD does AND because of the weather), but also alone.  Dan took a shift at the hospital tonight...  When he asked what I thought of it, I said "do whatever you have to do" because I don't want to dictate what he does, ever, but I guess it really kind of hurt more than I was expecting.  Partly because it's an important weekend for me, last year was a rough Halloween weekend for me, we went through the trouble of getting costumes, I have been a wreck lately...  for so many reasons, I felt like I needed this weekend and I thought he would, too...  

On the other hand, since I've been such a wreck lately, the solitude has been really nice.  Sometimes I need alone time.  I need time to process thoughts and feelings.  I've been really depressed and stressed out lately and there's a lot going on in my brain.  There's a circus happening in there.  So many questions and doubts and worries and very few answers or positive.  It's rough.  It's a rough patch.  I'm unsure of how to fix any of it.

I'm so exhausted.  Mentally, I'm just drained.  I've been really fucked with for the past month and I've reached my breaking point.  My head is saying "enough!" My heart is deflated.  My defense mechanism is up and in full effect.  Unfortunately, it doesn't know how to only to be on duty while at work...  

It's these times where I know therapy isn't going to help.  It's purely situational.  So I have to fix my situation.  As usual, the responsibility falls on me to fix things for myself (surprise, surprise).  I just don't know where to start this time...  I think I do, and then I quickly realize I don't have many choices or at least not the ones I would like.  It's easy to give up when you're constantly let down.  Not sure how I'll crawl out of this one...

And on that note, hope everyone else is enjoying their Halloween weekends.  Have a drink and a dance for me.

xo,

Rachael

My Parents Visit CT!

This is gonna be a quicky, unfortunately.

I had a fabulous weekend.  My parents came up to visit.  It's the first time my dad has been up to CT.  He (finally) used his xmas gift I got him last year and went to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.  I'm so glad he went and was able to enjoy it.  He's had a rough past year with his knee replacement surgery and lots of other health issues and work conflicts (conflicts is a nice way of saying "works with and/or for at least one cocksucker" - remember that for later).  Being a huge baseball fan and former baseball player (pitcher for University of MD - Number 7), I couldn't stand that he hadn't been, so I got him a one year membership and a plane ticket to ensure his ass would get there.  If I didn't put a time limit on it, he wouldn't have gone.  Point 1 for me.

Anyway, during the day, my mom updated me with several pictures of the neat exhibits at the Hall of Fame and pictures of my father looking like...  well, a child at Christmas.  It was brilliant and warmed my heart.  They made it down our way on Friday and were waiting for me at home when I got off work.

Born and raised to hat the Yanks.  Now you understand.

My mom surprised me with tickets to see Jersey Boys (the documentary-style musical that follows the Four Seasons through their conception to the end).  I guess my dad surprised me the most by attending the show.  He's not really a musical type dude, but this was filled with hits from his childhood and lots of cursing and Sopranos-type machismo filling it out.  It was a great time.

Saturday we went and picked out pumpkins and my parents finally got to meet Dan's parents.  My mom met his parents when she was up to help me with my surgery, but you know-- to have all four of them together was pretty big for me.  It was a great time.  Lots of laughs, drinks, etc.  Aside from some of the topics I would have liked to have avoided, it was a wonderful experience.

Dan and I took my parents to brunch on Sunday and then saw them off.  I spent the rest of the day missing them and dozing.  I've been exhausted from my work trip to St. Louis.  It's been a hell of a past few weeks.  Aside from work stresses, drama and workload, I had a friend from back home die, a good friend from back home get married (and I had to miss said wedding because of work), my pain has been awful and NOT getting better, and missed out on two shows Dan and I had planned to go to...  Work conflicts [elbow].

Me = a complete hungover mess pre-brunch Sunday.  Look at that HAIR.

I've been beyond depressed lately and really need to get myself out of the situation I've found myself in...  The only thing keeping me from one continuous panic attack is knowing that I don't plan on staying in my current situation for long.

And on that note, that's why this is going to be a quicky-entry.  I don't really have the attention span or feel happy enough tonight to get into detail about my weekend.  It wouldn't do it justice.  Instead, I'll be cutting my cuticles (and all skin surrounding my nails) until they bleed...  Gotta focus on something, right?

xo,
Rachael

A Few Reasons to Miss Maryland:

I have been spoiled rotten lately with all the friend-filled weekends I've been having.  This weekend was no exception.  The weekend was jam-packed wall-to-wall with friends AND it was a long weekend, so that made it extra exciting!  Friday night, I drove down to Baltimore with Dan as my co-pilot and DJ.  He made the road trip fun and hilarious, as always.  It was a smooth drive for the most part and we made no stops outside of CT.  Straight on through to Emily and Jeremy's in record time.

Jeremy greeted us in his PJs and we caught up quickly before settling into bed and having a laugh session that was so intense, I got to that point of silent laughing (because I can't breathe) and tears streaming down both sides of my face.  Something about putting my finger in Dan's ass and "Urethra Franklin?"  I blame it on being delirious from the insane work week, lack of sleep because of the insane work week, and the 5.5 hours of driving.

In the AM, we were promptly greeted by Vegeta (Em and J's friendly and vocal cat) and tons of squeezes from Emily.  It was fucking great.  I talk to Emily every day, so it pains me that we don't get to physically be together that often anymore for the great hugs, happy hours, fashion shows, or just the exchange of laughter between the two of us.  God damn do I miss it, and I really had no idea just how much until returning home and going through all of my pictures from the time spent there (I got a bit depressed, but I'll get to that later).  We had such a good time.  Sarah came over and brought her precious little Luke Marley who was so chill and sweet and I didn't want to let go of when he fell asleep on me right before heading home.  Come ON!

After grilling, we just hung out and chatted and got ready for the evening.  We headed to Hamilton Tavern for pre-dinner drinks.  It was as cute as I was expecting and we had dinner at Clementine (FINALLY).  Em and J started by ordering the charcuterie plate (of the day) that was to die for.  The sausage was insane.  Hands down the best I've ever had.  It was accompanied by a dijon cheese and a chicken liver pate that had brown sugar in it.  The mix of sweet, salty and savory was PERFECT.  I had the meatloaf, and it was so delicious, and of course, Em and I killed two bottles of red.  Since that wasn't enough, we headed back to Hamilton Tavern for a nightcap.  I had such a great time.  My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.  It was non-stop chatter and laughing.  I couldn't have asked for a better night.  We headed home full and happy and buzzed and I spent the next hour teaching Emily how to do a time step (a tap step *HOP-STEP-SHILLACK-BALL-CHANGE*).  We did this on her porch for at least 40 minutes, then took it inside.

Love My Carpet??

They were perfect hosts, and perfect friends and I miss them already.

Sunday, however, we had morning coffee and split an english muffin, recounted our evening, showered and headed out.  I must've hugged Emily 5 times before leaving.  Gah.

We headed to the mall.  I brought a dress that I adore, but is really big on me.  This is one of many in my closet that I can't really wear because they don't fit properly.  I need a tailor.  If the bottom of a dress fits me (and is fitted snug on my body), then chances are the top does not.  My body is not proportionate.  I don't have big jugs to go with my big ass, hips and thighs.  I've grown to appreciate my curves a bit more with the help of Christina Hendricks (Joan Holloway), but she has the top half to match the bottom half...  Anyhoo, I found a new dress that fit a bit better, we had lunch and headed to our hotel to check in.

We made our way to Patrick and Nikki's wedding which ended up being a total blast.  I saw people there I hadn't seen in months, like Mr. Don Boots (who, by the way, DRINKS now.  Yeah.  That was different), and people I hadn't seen in YEARS, like my old bosses from Mission Media.  They were thrilled to see me and we laughed and caught up like no time had passed.

Custom weddin' shoes.  Golden Girls approved.

Yeah, so THIS happens, now...

I traded my sky-high strappy wedges for my chucks right after the ceremony.  The wedding was beautiful and every detail was perfectly executed.  We danced a lot.

One of my favorite pics ever taken.

The weekend really made me miss Maryland for the first time in a long time.  A lot of what I considered "home" about Maryland has changed so much since I left, but clearly, after that weekend, I knew there was still a lot there that was very "me" and very "home".

Lighting our way out of the drive.

Dan and I made our way back to CT Monday, and aside from some incredibly uncomfortable cramping, the trip went smoothly.  Unfortunately, the moment I drove back into the state, I got a bit depressed.  Our apartment and anywhere I am with Dan is home for me.  That's easy and simply true, but there's so much about Connecticut that hasn't been easy...  and there's so much about Maryland that is/was so effortless.  I know it isn't fair to compare a place that I grew up in with a place I've only lived a little over a year, but it's more about the vibes, the people, the connections...  or lack thereof.

I know once Dan finishes his residency, we'll find a place that can be that effortless for both of us.  I still sometimes secretly hope that by the time his residency is over, I'll be in love with the state and have a ton of great friends and love my job and want to put roots down here...  but it's unfortunately not looking so great...  I guess deep down I know how much Dan loves it here since he wanted so badly to come back, so I hope I'll fall in love with it too.  I want him to be happy more than I give a shit about my happiness, but at the same time, there has to be some sort of a balance.  It can't be all great for one and all awful for the other.  There's got to be some positives in my life...  I just haven't found them here in CT, yet.

I'm struggling with not having something to look forward to...  although maybe I should make the end of Dan's residency my something to look forward to?  It's farther off than my usual little goals of happiness are, but I've got to start looking forward to something.  Looking ahead.  My happiness has seemed to be falling with the leaves, lately and getting through each day is as far as I can look ahead.  As we all know, when it rains, it pours, and it's been getting a bit damp around here, lately.

I'll leave it at that for now, as I could run on all day about the "what ifs" and "should'ves"...

For now, thank you, Maryland, for another wonderful weekend.

xo,
Rachael