Home is... Not My Home.

I'm taking the long weekend to head back to Southern Maryland to help assist my papa since he had his knee replaced this past Tuesday.  (Well, for that and just because I miss my family like crazy.  I have plans to do the movies with my sisters, a pedi with my mama and drinks with friends.  Sometimes it's nice to just see those familiar faces.)  My dad's a trooper, but he's active and stubborn as hell, so I can't imagine him having to be immobile.  I just don't see it happening.  I figure my main job will be to try and actually keep him off his feet the entire time I'm home.

I'm stoked to REALLY drive my new car for a long distance.  It should be a nice drive down and I've packed my phone (which I also use as my ipod) with new jams and podcasts from Adam Corolla and Ricky Gervais.  Two very wise, very funny men.

While thinking about going home, there's been a lot of thoughts flying through my head.  For one, it's become abundantly clear that "home" is not my home any longer.  Southern Maryland hasn't been my "home" for 10 years+ years, but Baltimore was always where I considered my "home" to be.  This will be my first trip back to Maryland that I haven't stopped off for at least one night of Baltimore.  This is for a few reasons.  One being that my Bmore BFF is out of town at ze beach (good for you, bitch) and just because it seems like most of the people I know there have no interest in keeping in touch, any longer.  I may do a pit-stop in Catonsville to say hi to old friends who have recently reached out to say hello again...  but we'll see what time I actually make it to Catonsville...

It's an odd feeling.  I have breakdowns about once a month about it all, if I'm being perfectly honest.  My hope is that those breakdowns will become fewer and fewer, as time does heal, and I will move on to the next phase of my life.  I'm taking this opportunity, however, to reassess my current mental health and happiness, so that the next phase of my life starts out nice and peacefully (which is how I'm oddly feeling today.  Peaceful).  Taking responsibility.  You know.  That thing I'm so big on.  :)

It's just a lot to swallow when all of a sudden you say and know it to be true, "Home is not my home anymore..."  I have a new home--  I'm not homeless.  This would be a completely different post if that's how I was feeling-- no.  I feel very at home and cozy in my new life.  In fact, all else is going swimmingly.  Dan is wonderful and I am going to miss him to pieces while being back in MD (he's on call this weekend, so cant come with).  He's really showing me these amazing sides to him each day that make me more and more...  sure.  He's just more than I could ever ask for in a partner, a best friend, a teacher.  He's far more amazing than I give him credit for.  I feel very confident in my career.  I've definitely worked hard to be where I am, and for that I am truly proud, and I've met some great people up here.  We go out more and more now that we have moved back to the city, so I expect that to only flourish further...

Necklace can be found here.

Like I've said before.  Things are falling into place.  It's just odd when you take the time to really look at the changes that are happening or have already happened around you and really breathe it in.  I talked with a dear old friend today about the choice to either be present in your life and take responsibility and be in the moment and know what is going on and own it (good, bad, ugly, amazing), or choose to live in denial and sweep everything under the rug and ignore it (which is not really living, in my opinion).  You can't stop some changes from happening, so you may as well roll right along with it...  I'm on my way.

xo,
Rachael

And Then There Were Two (years).

I've gotta say...  I didn't see this coming 2 years ago.  I remember being on a balcony in DC on a beautiful starry Spring night telling Dan, "You're gonna graduate in a year and then you'll probably move somewhere far away for your residency, and I don't want to get involved, then be all caught up in feelings when you decide to leave..."

He held my hands and looked into my eyes and said, "If you heard today that your office might close in a year, would you quit your job today?"  Knowing that I loved my job and company very much, he knew I would never leave it knowing it was going down.  I'd stay til the end because I knew I loved it and was lucky to have a career that I actually enjoyed.  So I told him no.  That I wouldn't leave my job.  And then we kissed.  For a long time.  I guess that was my way of saying, "and I won't leave you either...  I guess."

I was cautious in the beginning because I did know he was graduating and had mentioned missing New England, so I had an idea early on that he would end up trying to do his residency closer to where he grew up.

When the time came for him to decide, I was ready to go wherever he chose.  Not just because of how in love with him I was/am, but because I had been out of college and working for several years at this point and his career was just beginning.  It was an organic situation and decision-- just like my mom always said it would be when it was "right".

Things have started to fall into place for both of us up here in our new little life in Hartford.  I watched Love & Other Drugs tonight and it really got me thinking about what my life would be like without Dan in it.  It's nearly impossible to imagine, but the thought of it made me cry...  He's my best friend and we have far too much fun together.  I know how extremely lucky I am to have such an amazing man in my life.  His thoughtfulness doesn't go unnoticed...  Like for instance, last night he went to bed early and I stayed up (this is a rare occurrence because I usually crawl into bed early with him and just read or watch some netflix until I get sleepy/take my sleep meds) and he left my nightstand light on for me.  He slept with the damn light on so I could come to bed, read and relax.  These tiny little things mean a lot to me...

Anyhoo, as you may have realized, Dan and I's 2 year anniversary is this week.  We don't have an official date, but I know it was this week.  I couldn't have guessed we'd be living together, he'd be by my side while I bought my first new car, that we'd be buying furniture together.  Never on that balcony would I have dreamt that we would be living in Connecticut together.  I never ever would have thought that I would be more in love with him in the second year than I was in the first...

Enough gushing.  For now.  Just know, I'm happy.  Maybe the happiest I've ever been (and a lot of that is due to Dan).  And for that, I am very grateful.

xo,
Rachael

Mean Girls: Alive and Well (...unfortunately)

I've been reading Tina Fey's book, Bossypants, and that combined with things going on recently have made me reflect on the women currently in my life and ones from the past who were in my life because of outside circumstance (i.e. ones I didn't ask to be around).

It was pretty early on that I learned what I call "The Polite Rules of Rejection."  I remember being 14 and having my first (kiss) boyfriend telling me over the phone after his first day at high school (a different one than I was attending) about all the big-breasted girls around and how excited he was about it.  It was only a few days later that he dumped me.  I had not developed in the least at this point.  I was still dancing a few hours a night almost 5 days a week.  I finally broke 100 lbs later that year...  But anyway, it was a harsh reality to swallow, that I had not only been dumped by my first kiss, but because of how I looked physically.

After this happened, I'd occasionally run into him since we did grow up in a small town and kept mutual friends.  If he happened to have a (big-tittied) girl around, I treated her with politeness and respect, even if I wanted to rip her tits off and beat her over the head with them.  After all-- if I were going to be upset with someone, it would have to be him for being the prick in the situation.  The girl did nothing wrong by developing early (and voluptuously) and chances are, she never even knew I existed and that he had (cheated on) gotten rid of me for her.

This whole "taking the high road" thing is not something that is easy, but something that is necessary to maintain status as a respectable human being, keep on karma's good side and to not look like a complete Jerry Springer Show guest.

What's more important is that most people do NOT take this road.  In fact, I have been on both sides of the situation and in each situation, I was treated like a piece of garbage by "the other woman".

While this is probably not a situation most people find themselves in, I have found myself in it 4 times since the "first kiss boy" kicked me to the curb.  The second time, I was the dumped and was faced with my ex and his new girlfriend (he cheated on me with) at my junior prom that I attended (originally) with him.  He left with her.  I left with compassionate friends who went very far out of their way to get me home safe and sound.  I spent the remainder of the night in ripped jeans and a tiara drinking booze at my neighbor's house while listening to Alkaline Trio's newest release and drawing, while I wasn't crying, of course.

The other three times I was in a similar situation, I was on the flip side.  What boggles my mind about these last few times, is that it wasn't high school.  One was during college and two were POST college and I was treated like I've never been treated in my life.  Mean girls are alive and well.  Not only do they still exist, but are thriving, I assure you.

I was taken to a college formal by my now ex.  He put me into a situation where I was sat with and spent most of the night in close quarters with a girl he had been "seeing" (and assured me he hadn't been) along with all of her closest girlfriends.  I was wondering why this mean girl-- the ring leader of the crew-- was treating me like I had killed her pet kitten all evening.  I mean, it was worse than that.  It wasn't pure violence or a clear "fuck you"-- it was a twisted melting pot of embarrassing me, not letting me in on things/jokes/stories, making fun of me when I spoke, and general disrespect (which is the worst of all).  I've never shown so much restraint as I did that night.  It only came out a few days later that they had in fact been "seeing each other" (isn't that a nice phrase?) and she was pissed that he had decided to get back together with me instead of continuing to "see her"*.  I totally deserved being shit on all night for that one.  How dare I?  On top of the sheer embarrassment I felt all night (because of her treatment), the humiliation I felt after finding out that I was at a table all night with a group of people who knew my boyfriend had been "seeing someone else," and I was the only one out of the loop...  It's not a great feeling.  In fact, it's the worst.

(*She ended up marrying his roommate.  We buried the hatchet years later and she apologized for being such a cunt to me that night.  This doesn't make it ok, but I think it shows that maybe she just matured at the rate of a snail while I was more at the pace of a cheetah.  An unfair race, really.)

The second post-high school experience was with my current boyfriend's ex.  We saw her out on the town one night, and instead of fleeing the scene and pretending I didn't know who she was (because I had met her previously), I walked right up and extended my hand and told her hello.  I re-introduced myself and told her it was nice to see her again.  Awkward isn't really the word to describe the response I got in return.  It was more of a look like she had smelled a rotten corpse and rolled her eyes, only to have them land comfortably on my boyfriend.  She spent the remainder of the night blocking me from him and talking/laughing/flirting with him.  I just decided to take my business elsewhere in the bar.  It wasn't fun, and he is as much to blame for my feelings of embarrassment and disrespect that evening, but I assure you, he knows this.  I showed this girl respect.  I wasn't trying to rub our relationship in her face.  We are adults.  It's a shame I couldn't get the same amount of respect in return.

The final mean girl situation was with a girl that will remain nameless and position-less (as far as who she is and how she squirmed her way into my life), but I will give you this hint:  It's not an ex (that I know of) and she clearly was interested in the man I was with at that time.  This person, I came out of the gate with salutations and trying to be as sweet as a peach.  It was a work-related situation where I'd be that way regardless, to show respect and try to build a good relationship since careers are involved.  Red flags when up right and left as soon as she sat down (across from me and my then boy) at dinner.  I felt like I was in the college situation all over again (but was much much older).  What the fuck was going on?  The only thing this was missing from the college formal night was the expensive gown, bad food and gaggle of co-cunts to back her up.

This girl went out of her way to ignore me when I spoke, talk only to the others at the table, and flirt mercilessly with my boyfriend in front of me and the rest of their co-workers.  It was embarrassing, to say the least.

Again--  being adults and being respectful goes a long way.  It takes a ton of restraint when emotions are involved (and believe me-- sitting there and being shat on for no apparent reason in front of people I respect--was a situation where restraint was DEFINITELY needed on my part).  I excused myself to use the bathroom just to pace around it and breathe at one point.  I'm not quite sure why this happens.

My mom never sat me down and explained this exact situation, guiding me on how to hold myself during such an event.  I just know that you don't go out of your way to make people look like assholes-- ESPECIALLY at events that involve work, charity or PUBLIC in general.  "The Polite Rules of Rejection" is to deal with the fact that whatever person you were after didn't feel the same way about you, clearly, or else he'd be there at dinner with you.  It's owning that and moving on, not taking it out of whatever girl he is currently dating.

Disrespect is hard to swallow.  I have to believe in karma.  It's the only way I can sit there biting my tongue.  I'm pretty sure this is the type of shit that guys settle with fist fights, not pure disrespect and embarrassment.  Why do women use these tactics against each other?  What do these women get out of it?  If I ever took the route any of these "ladies" took, I'd be ashamed of myself...

Just something I'm often puzzled by and figured I'd vomit out into type...

xo,
Rachael

Zoom Zoom, Bitches.

***DISCLAIMER:  Before I go into the details of my new fancy car, I feel like this post needs a disclaimer about what it took to get to this point.  For one, I've been driving the same 1997 Toyota Corolla since my senior year of high school (I'm almost 28 years old).  I've avoided having a car payment for over 10 years and instead of throwing that money around, I saved it.  I've been working my FACE off since (even before) graduating college and climbed the ranks steadily in my industry since beginning.  It took a lot of painful hours of hard work and tons of discipline to be able to get where I am today financially, but the day has come for me to finally see the payoff.  I'm not spoiled in the least.  No one gave me a red cent towards this car.  This is purely a reward as a result of patience and hard work.  


Sorry.  You see, I have this brat complex because I like nice things and people give me shit for having them (i.e. my Marc Jacobs bag.  People assume some sugar daddy or my parents or someone bought it for me because I'm some spoiled bitch, when in fact it was a present to myself for quitting smoking (used the money I saved from not buying cigarettes).  I've always been very good with my money, so when I splurge and get judged, it really bothers me.***

Anyhoo, onto the important part of the post!!

My sexy new Mazda3 s Grand Touring.  I mean, talk about the difference between night and day...  My Corolla was as basic as basic could be.  Power windows and locks were its fanciest feature.  I've never had a keyless entry remote.  I've never been able to unlock my car unless I was touching it.  So, let's put it this way--  While pulling out of the dealership yesterday, my sunroof was open, heated leather seats were on, Bose surround sound system was cranking my Pandora station from my iphone wirelessly... up until I decided to call my mom...  THROUGH THE CAR.  Hands-free, indeed.  The bluetooth technology is insane.  My car talks to me.  It's beautiful.  Just beautiful.


And as far as driving it goes--  it's so smooth and quiet and handles beautifully and if I need to speed up to pass someone for any reason, I actually CAN.  It has 167-hp which comes in handy and some sexy "feets" - 17" aluminum alloy wheels.

My little Corolla did it's job.  It was a great car for me and I am so grateful to my parents for planting that foundation for me when I was young.  Not only the car itself, but teaching me how to (and how important it was to) manage my funds and to set perfect examples of extraordinary work ethic and how to earn my keep.  I'm lucky to have had such wonderful parents.

As my mom pointed out, that Corolla took me through high school, college and my first "real jobs".  I'm excited to see the new adventures that lie ahead for me and my new baby...  who has already been deemed, "Black Betty" (hence the tune).

Sitting in Hartford 4/27/11

RAM-A-LAM!

xo,
Rachael

The Bird's Nest: Round 2 - Bath

Adriana shower curtain by Badgley Mischka

Before our first visitor to the new apartment (ELI!!!) came in from California, I wanted two things to be done.  I wanted a new couch (check) and a shower curtain.  Luckily, the curtain came in a few days before Eli arrived, so I won!  (Here's the curtain(s) we went with, Sophie.)

Our tub is basically like a free-standing tub that's against the wall, if that makes any sense-- so we had to get two curtains to cover it all.  It's got a victorian type pattern, so the accent I went with was a deep red for the mats.  I FINALLY ordered a bunch of Killhouettes that I plan on hanging in there.  We already bought the frames for them, now just waiting on delivery.  :)

We went to Target and Bed Bath and Beyond for toothbrush holders, but found nothing we liked, so while going through our glasses to find a pint glass to use temporarily, I saw my brass knuckle coffee mug that the lovely Emily (Clinton) Martin sent me in CT.  :-D  It's PERFECT and this way, I get to see it every day.

I'm really enjoying being here in this apartment.  It's just fun to slowly piece it together.  Dan came home with cool gray picture frames today from Target that I'll be adding to the gray/yellow living room decor.  He also bought a ton of frames for all those awesome prints he got from Print Mafia.  I can't wait til we get all the artwork on the walls.  It's odd having bare walls, now.

Brass knuckle coffee mug/toothbrush holder

Aside from the decor updates, the only other updates I have are that I finally caved and tried on of those UV gel manicures...  So far it's staying on pretty damn well.  I've had it since Friday evening and I do have 3 chips, but they're tiny.  Nothing like the normal paint, and to be fair, I did do some scrubbing and cleaning and moving boxes Friday night preparing for Eli's visit...  I'll keep you updated on how long it lasts and if it was worth the (doubled!) price tag.

Aaaaand that I plan on doing a little car shopping very soon.  (Probably do some test-driving this weekend).  Very exciting and very scary, but it needs to be done, dammit.

I wish Eli didn't have to go back to California.  I miss him so fucking much...  He's such a good friend.  I'm so glad I ever got to meet him.  He's one of those rare gems.  He will always be a bestie.

Anyhoo, gearing up for another work-crazed week.  Hoping it goes semi-smoothly...  Stress hasn't been setting well with me lately... Hope everyone else is stress-free and calm.

xo,
Rachael

P.S.
I'm thanking Pandora once again for the song I've added for this post, "If Ever There's A Reason" by Derby.  I'm into catchy folky shit right now.  I don't know why.  It just makes me happy.  So there.

The Bird's Nest: Round 1

I know I've been posting non-stop about my new apartment and it's not going to end anytime soon...  I really adore it and I love it more and more every time I get one more piece for it or find one new detail in the 1930's architecture of it like the coffered ceiling or the sweet bathroom mirror/medicine cabinet.

Our new couch arrived on Saturday.  We finally bit the bullet and went with a beautiful sectional from Raymour & Flanigan.  If you're ever in the market for some sweet furniture that will last you a good 10 years, and you happen to be in CT, I highly suggest visiting Darrin at R&F.  He's honestly a huge part of the reason we went with them and this couch.  Not only is the couch amazing and sexy and comfy, but the salesman was the nicest guy ever and really hooked us up.  The couch was double what we set out to pay, but after the multiple rounds at several different furniture shops and the insane characters we encountered, we wanted to give our money to Darrin.  I kid you not-- one saleswoman looked like a sad 60+ year old muppet who had smoked and tanned every day of her entire life and had her wrinkled, saggy, tits almost entirely hanging out of her way-too-low-cut shirt with a cleavage that looked like a crater had landed there...  She proceeded to tell us about her fiancee and her fashion and interior design preferences without smiling once...  The longer the muppet ran on, and the more I looked at the couch we originally liked when we saw it upon entering that store, the more the couch turned into a shitty, cheap, crushed velvet lounge sofa (not in the good way) that would be living in a trailer in Nowhere, West Virginia.

Knowing I'm doing the living room in gray and yellow, my parents sent us a massive and beautiful arrangement of tulips, bells of ireland and fantailed pussy willows intertwined.  It really makes me want to keep fresh flowers around all the time...  I'm not naive enough to believe I'll ever keep that up...

And our sunroom is just awesome.  I have no idea what I'll end up doing with it, yet, but for now we have some chairs in there that make it a nice little escape from TV.

I also finally hung my birdcage curtains in our kitchen.  I love them.  Everything about the apartment so far has just been awesome.  Ikea was good to us (as always) and I see many more trips in my future.  :)

Things are looking up at the LampShaw Homestead (That's it's foursquare name...  "square" is right...)  Decor is in full effect.

Aside from all the money I've been spending making our apartment beautiful, I have been doing some other retail therapy which will probably be what my next post is about...  Presents for myself, and presents for others.  Sometimes, ya just gotta buy shit that's pretty, dammit.

xo,
Rachael

P.S.
Sorry...  I realized that every so often, it makes me REALLY happy to sing as LOUD as possible to Dashboard Confessional while driving...  I did this recently, so that's why the song made the playlist for the post.  It just makes me damn happy...

WANTED: Friend (possibly of the furry persuasion..)

I think I’m well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady.  Am I allergic to cats?  Why, yes.  I am.  But you know what?  I never have had a cat turn their back on me.  Miss Kitty was my greatest companion.  She got me through some of the darkest times in my life.  She actually was around for every single relationship I’ve ever had.  She was always there if I was upset and wouldn’t leave my side until I was better and my tears had dried.  She was insanely sensitive and compassionate, which I know to a lot of people sounds stupid or insane, but it was true.  Ask any of my family members.  I miss her to pieces.  It’s really hard for me to talk about her because of how much she really meant to me.  I know finding another cat like her will be hard and probably near impossible, but I’d like to try. 

Miss Kitty - The most amazing cat who ever was.

I get lonely.  I completely understand the need for companionship now that I’ve moved and my only best friends are 5 hours away.  I talk to my two best friends daily via the internets, but I don’t get to go hang out with them regularly or grab dinner or drinks or go get my nails done with them or hang in with a bottle of wine and watch a movie.  I do these things with Dan daily (not the bottle of wine), but friendship and companionship other than your relationship is necessary (as I’m definitely feeling tonight).

Scottish Fold kitty

Part of me is incredibly depressed about recent happenings (and by recent, I mean months of building and a few days of imploding).  I’m really sad that friends I thought I had been there for have seemingly disappeared or neglected to keep in touch or worry about my wellbeing or be there for me in my times of need (which I’ve had lots of since moving).  And part of me is glad to finally be aware that there are people I simply can’t rely on so I don’t continue to get my feelings hurt or hopes up.  And by the same token, I’m happy to know that I do have a couple of friends who have become even closer and more supportive of me since I’ve made the move out to Connecticut.  It’s an odd place to be in.  It’s an odd mix of emotions.  It’s me being down and wounded and incredibly hurt, but then that “force the glass to be half-full” part of me kicks in and thinks about the silver lining…  Look at the friends you do have that are incredible and send you letters in the mail just because or drove from Ohio or Pennsylvania to come see you because they simply missed you, or who make it a point to ask me daily or weekly how the fuck I’m doing up here…  Those people are important and those seemingly simple instances are beyond important to me.  They are the only things that keep me going sometimes.

Another Scottish Fold

My mother has always said that a relationship should be icing on the cake—not the whole cake, and she’s right.  My relationship is amazing and I’m incredibly thankful for Dan and he is easily my best friend.  But a life should be well rounded and balanced.  I’m still struggling to find that balance up here, I guess. 

Back to the cat thing…  Wednesday, I finally bought a new couch…  My first REAL grown up purchase (I’m still driving the car I drove in high school).  I don’t think I could have a cat de-clawed…  and that couch was not cheap… 

Any other pet ideas?  Dogs are too needy and rats don’t care all that much when I’m down and out…  Hmmm…

xoxo,

Rachael

P.S.  I'm obsessed with Scottish Fold kitties.  They look like little owls.  Don't you think adding them to this slightly depressing post brightens everything right up??  I may do this more often in the future.  ;-)